Cracking Up II

Picture from www.tylergore.com/words/epiphany.html

Almost could not make it.

Getting out of breadth. Feeling uncomfortable in my own living room. Feeling afraid to get out of the house. Feeling numb and not able to do much. Keeping still, afraid that any movement might cause a psychosomatic strain on my leg, back, neck, stomach...

I started to feel tingling in my thighs, cramp in my left feet, numbness in the last three fingers of my left hand, slight contractions in my neck, choking on my own saliva...

My wife brought me out.

We went to VivoCity... What a crowd... When I reached there and could not find her, I had my back to the wall, kept my eyes on the floor so that I don't see the crowd. She got lost. I had to find her. Natural instinct took over...

I had to 'save' my wife.

I was prepared. I had three layers of clothings. Of course, I had my 'safety' jacket on. I grab on to something in my hands. Clenched fist, ready to defend myself. I had to create the physical posture of being able to defend myself.

I was in a bubble. I seem to float as I make my way to where my wife said she was waiting. I found her, but she just too far. I have to make it to her. She saw me and I made my way down knowing that she would follow me. I need to be directed. She did. We went for dinner.

I had a comforting time. We talked, joked and I laughed. All the while looking around me. Scanning the crowd. Paranoia... I dont know. I felt slightly comforted.

We walked awhile. She suggested the bookstore. What a move... my comfort zone... books...

At the end of the evening, I felt much better. Confronted the crowd, but felt so tired... like always... the fight wears me out... a battle I fight everyday and I thought I had left the army!

Join the Army and you're made for life... I guess that's why I battled on... but I'm getting tired of fighting... too many open wounds...

And my wife's the medic for today! like always... she's my nightingale.