When we were young, we hear stories about monsters.
Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.
Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.
The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.
I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.
I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.
I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.
I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Timely Return
It has been quite some time since my last post.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
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