Facing Fear

After a meeting yesterday, I decided to take a walk along Orchard Road. There was quite a crowd walking from Ngee Ann City to Wheelock Place with a frequency of 2 to 3 people passing me every two steps I took.

It was a leisurely walk and nice weather- not too humid. Then, I felt the chills. I still feel them whenever I face an oncoming crowd. But its much better now.

When I was at the height (or doldrums) of my condition, I will immediately 'crack' and have a 'panic attack' the moment I see an oncoming crowd. I feel suffocated and will begin hyperventilating. In the worst moments, I do not need a crowd. The moment I set foot outside my house, I will get 'wacked'! (get the full complements of the panic attack)

It was fun actually... one foot out and my system goes haywire, put the foot back in and it begins to stabilise... one foot out- wacked!... put the foot back in- 'safe'... Try this and you will realise how personal conception of space affects your state of mind and body.

Anyway, while my MC says "stay at home", I had to break the rules. I attempt to leave the house and face 'fear'. Before I proceed, time for the screen shot ala-Rambo- I take my dose of Xanax, put on layers of clothings (the thicker the 'safer' I felt- like body armour), psyche myself and there I go...one foot out, then the next and off to the battlefield.

What I did to overcome my fear of crowds is this...

First, I identified areas which will have different levels of crowdedness- not only in terms of numbers but movement as well. In my 'experiments' then, I realised that I am more affected by a moving oncoming crowd than a static one.

Next, I begin the battle. I begin with places with less crowd and not so much movement. I timed how long I can last and progress from there. When I am comfortable with the first level, I moved on to the next and so on. I do this until I can be 'stable' in a crowd, static or mobile.

WARNING!: It's not safe to attempt these 'battles' alone. At least, inform someone or have someone on standby. Have your handphone ready! Have your Xanax and water ready!

I did it most times without my wife's knowledge and it was horrific (for her as well!) when I get a full-fledged panic attack outside, in some mall or crowded place. I don't think you want to be caught is such a state, unless you want attention from others who might think you are either 'drunk' or suffering a heart-attack. Either way, I tend to get stares rather than a helping hand. So, don't do it alone!

Over time, I managed not so much to overcome the fear, but how to manage fear.

Even today, I still get the chills and begin to yawn when I face an oncoming crowd. It's not that I'm sleepy but gasping for air! So my iPod shuffle with comforting songs+Quranic recitations downloaded become my virtual bubble in buffering against fear.

Everyone needs a personal space. Its part of human territoriality. Its dignity, sovereignty and personality. However, it's up to us how we define it- how big or small-, and whether we want to share it. And if sharing is 'safe' to us. The more you share your 'safe' space the more space you have to move in without fear.