Roller Coasters

I am not a fan of roller-coasters. I had my first ride when I was in primary school at the Wonderland Amusement Park in Kallang.

Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.

As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.

Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.

The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.

It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.

I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.