What's in a Name? Plenty!

Today I attended an extended family gathering.

In my memory this gathering is supposedly the second. There were 160 members present today, compared to about 230 in 2002.

I was not there in 2002. I was just discharged from hospital or perhaps still warded. I can't remember. Either way it was a Sunday, and I was in a 'cocoon'.

'cocoon'- the stage where I cover myself from head to toe in a blanket to keep the world away from me.

I have names for most things about my experience. Naming things help me make sense of my experiences.

So there's 'cracking up', 'the chills', 'cocoon', 'warming up', 'cold start', 'convergence'. The list will grow with every new experience, and thankfully I do not need to give a name to a new experience. It's also a code I use to indicate to those who are familiar with me that I need to get away from whatever situation.

'cracking up'- when I begin to sense that I am not able to control my anxiety or that I am losing control of my senses.

'the chills'- the tingling I feel, usually in my hands, which tells me that my system is not comfortable with the environment and that I may need to evacuate or risk 'cracking up'.

'warming up' (related to 'cold start')- it's usually the psychologically warm up that I need to do to prepare me for the day. This usually happens during the time I am 'cracking up'. Usually, when I succeed in maintaining a normal routine (at the cost of being late for a few days) I'll overcome a possible relapse.

'cold start'- waking up to a high state of anxiety. Not managed properly, I could go into 'cocoon' stage.

'convergence'- when three or more 'factors' that are likely to contribute to a high anxiety state converges. It helps to take notes and understand yourself so that you know your triggers.

Idenifying and isolating triggers are one way in which I move from being so fearful of leaving my bed to giving a speech to about 200 strangers.