AWARD... A_WARD...
One exemplifies an achievement, the other implies an ailment.
I received an award last Friday night for my "outstanding accomplishments". If only I could get a job with that.
While it is yet to be proven that my chances becomes slimmer when I'm honest about my medical history, I have had several coincidences, all too familiar with discrimination.
I may have won an award last night, but having spent time in a ward for my condition may have make all that "outstanding accomplishments" seem like an anomaly...
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Stiff Neck III
Life is just like a "box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get."
Chocolates are unpredictable. Sometimes it needs refrigeration, sometimes it does not.
Some melts in your mouth, others melts in your hands, and there are those that just melts.
Some like their chocolates bitter, others milky and sweet. Some have fruits dipped in them, while others dip in them.
Just like chocolates, our daily experiences can be unpredictable and for me uncertainty is the way of life. I will never know what I'm gonna get. Today is just another day...
So, I went to see a doctor at a clinic. I decided against consulting my usual GP, just to know the nature of my stiff neck...
The session went as usual something like this (may deviate from original conversation, but main idea is there + some theatrics for effect)...
{I was anxious, so I flipped and let the cat out of the bag!}
I took the prescription and swallowed two tablets as prescribed at 14:48. At 15:15, no effects felt yet. Now: no effects. Oops... I forgot to mention that I've taken most kinds of painkillers (including Vioxx) and it doesn't work! {The painkillers I took were for my feet and ankle problem...that's another story...}
I get to feel RAW pain! It makes me feel ALIVE!
Surprisingly, the jamu worked fine. I don't have spasms, cramps or contractions today, but pain prevail...
Chocolates are unpredictable. Sometimes it needs refrigeration, sometimes it does not.
Some melts in your mouth, others melts in your hands, and there are those that just melts.
Some like their chocolates bitter, others milky and sweet. Some have fruits dipped in them, while others dip in them.
Just like chocolates, our daily experiences can be unpredictable and for me uncertainty is the way of life. I will never know what I'm gonna get. Today is just another day...
So, I went to see a doctor at a clinic. I decided against consulting my usual GP, just to know the nature of my stiff neck...
The session went as usual something like this (may deviate from original conversation, but main idea is there + some theatrics for effect)...
What's wrong? Stiff neck... Have you had this condition
before? Yes... But, this time there are muscle cramps, contractions and it
hurts... Did you injure your neck? No, I had stiff neck before, but
this time its different... the cramps are like those I experienced in my thigh,
and back muscles...... Mmmm...
{I was anxious, so I flipped and let the cat out of the bag!}
I have a history of panic disorder... Mmmm... Are you feeling anxious
now? Maybe that's the cause, so tense muscles. I'll prescribe you
some relaxant... I have Xanax, but do you think it is ok to take
them. They were prescribed in 2003... They should be ok. Check the expiry
date. In that case, I'll give you a painkiller and see you again next week... Could it be psychosomatic? Like what my GP says about my leg?... Mmmm...
I took the prescription and swallowed two tablets as prescribed at 14:48. At 15:15, no effects felt yet. Now: no effects. Oops... I forgot to mention that I've taken most kinds of painkillers (including Vioxx) and it doesn't work! {The painkillers I took were for my feet and ankle problem...that's another story...}
I get to feel RAW pain! It makes me feel ALIVE!
Surprisingly, the jamu worked fine. I don't have spasms, cramps or contractions today, but pain prevail...
Doctor consultation + medicine: $15
Jamu: Rp 5,000 ($1)
PAIN: Priceless...
Stiff Neck II
Everything went well yesterday...
If there is a report card for me everyday, yesterday's will look like that.
It's tough managing my condition, but life has to go on.
I'm now concerned that my stiff neck is psychosomatic. It seems so, as the panic attacks seem to manifest itself in its standard form once I am aware that the stiff neck is anxiety/panic related.
I did my own experiment... I went to have a massage for the stiff neck. If its muscles that is painful, the massage should help... it didn't. Then I went for a jamu concoction- "pegal linu"- which has the effect of relaxation, the jamu helps. I would have reached for my Xanax, the medication prescribed to me for anytime I feel that my anxiety or panic attacks are beyond my control, but I can't afford to see a psychiatrist for now...
The last time I met one was in 2004. That was a year after I left my last profession and went on to pursue my Masters by Research. I've been on medication until my prescription ran out. I keep some stock but I have to consider the validity dates... Hence, I resort to jamu- something I've been familiar with since young.
Familiarity provides a sense of calm, certainty and therefore less anxiety.
Congregation prayers at mosque celebrating Eid and month of fasting ...
PASS
Having breakfast with in-laws and family ... PASS
Lasting beyond 4 hours in festive mood... Conditional PASS
A day without pain... FAIL
A day without any muscle cramps, contraction, spasm... FAIL
A day without anxiety/panic attacks... Conditional FAIL
If there is a report card for me everyday, yesterday's will look like that.
It's tough managing my condition, but life has to go on.
I'm now concerned that my stiff neck is psychosomatic. It seems so, as the panic attacks seem to manifest itself in its standard form once I am aware that the stiff neck is anxiety/panic related.
I did my own experiment... I went to have a massage for the stiff neck. If its muscles that is painful, the massage should help... it didn't. Then I went for a jamu concoction- "pegal linu"- which has the effect of relaxation, the jamu helps. I would have reached for my Xanax, the medication prescribed to me for anytime I feel that my anxiety or panic attacks are beyond my control, but I can't afford to see a psychiatrist for now...
The last time I met one was in 2004. That was a year after I left my last profession and went on to pursue my Masters by Research. I've been on medication until my prescription ran out. I keep some stock but I have to consider the validity dates... Hence, I resort to jamu- something I've been familiar with since young.
Familiarity provides a sense of calm, certainty and therefore less anxiety.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Stiff Neck...
I'm having a stiff neck now. It's been like this since last Saturday.
Usually, I'll be very busy preparing for the coming festivity. Cleaning the house, decorating, putting up clean curtains, sprucing up the rooms, etc...
But not this time round. My neck is not only stiff, but the muscles at the back of my neck will contract and spasm whenever I have a sudden movement. it's as though my head will be popping out soon!
The contraction of muscles seem to be very and scarily familiar. It's the same kind of painful contractions that I've felt with my lower back and thigh muscles and the gut area some time back.
These contractions, I learnt, are psychosomatic... it is a physical manifestation of my panic attacks. I seem to have been able to deal with panic attacks, but when it comes to psychosomatic forms, it's hard to deal with. On top of anxiety and panic, there's PAIN!!!...
What it means is that it's all in the head! I wonder how it can be just in the head, when I'm feeling so much pain and have difficulty moving my head around!!
I wonder how I will be able to attend congregational prayers in the coming morning...
I'm feeling slight discomfort thinking about meeting too many people! At some extreme, its either social phobia or agoraphobia. I've had both...
Usually, I'll be very busy preparing for the coming festivity. Cleaning the house, decorating, putting up clean curtains, sprucing up the rooms, etc...
But not this time round. My neck is not only stiff, but the muscles at the back of my neck will contract and spasm whenever I have a sudden movement. it's as though my head will be popping out soon!
The contraction of muscles seem to be very and scarily familiar. It's the same kind of painful contractions that I've felt with my lower back and thigh muscles and the gut area some time back.
These contractions, I learnt, are psychosomatic... it is a physical manifestation of my panic attacks. I seem to have been able to deal with panic attacks, but when it comes to psychosomatic forms, it's hard to deal with. On top of anxiety and panic, there's PAIN!!!...
psy·cho·so·mat·ic
Pronunciation:
"sI-kO-sO-'mat-ik"
Function: adjective
1 : of, relating to, concerned with, or involving both mind and body
2 a : of, relating to, involving, or concerned with bodily symptoms caused by mental or emotional disturbance
2b : exhibiting psychosomatic symptoms —psy·cho·so·mat·i·cal·ly
/-i-k(&-)lE/ adverb
What it means is that it's all in the head! I wonder how it can be just in the head, when I'm feeling so much pain and have difficulty moving my head around!!
I wonder how I will be able to attend congregational prayers in the coming morning...
I'm feeling slight discomfort thinking about meeting too many people! At some extreme, its either social phobia or agoraphobia. I've had both...
Monday, October 23, 2006
My first step...
This is not my usual space for expressing my thoughts...
Someone felt that sharing my daily challenges will inspire others to take that step forward.
Another glorious month has just passed and I celebrate the success of a month of selflessness. What better way to do so than being selfless and putting my thoughts in this blog for all to read...
Everyone who restrained themselves for the past month look forward to celenbrating Eid.
For me its a constant struggle to manage the impending anxiety that I have to face.
I used to look forward to festivities. I'm a social animal. I like to socialise and enjoy entertaining friends and relatives. Even my C-VAT profile shows that I have a high value for socialibility.
But all that changed several years ago... Since then, it has been a challenge.
What you see is not what you get. On the outside, I may seem calm, but I'm shattering inside. Its like the duck floating on a serene pond. You don't see how hard its kicking underneath.
I recall the Eid celebrations I had several years back... the year I spent some of my time in isolation... in a hospital ward (more about that later.)
I was not comfortable meeting people, not even my siblings and relatives. Without much notice, most of them decided to visit me the first night. It was terrifying!!
I put on a show... and stayed calm as long as I could. The moment the last of them left.. I shattered, I broke down and had to cocoon myself. It was one of numerous terrifying moments for me.
What happened? How did I end up that way? And what are the challenges that I face daily?
Keep in touch with my blog, and I'll share them with you...
Someone felt that sharing my daily challenges will inspire others to take that step forward.
Another glorious month has just passed and I celebrate the success of a month of selflessness. What better way to do so than being selfless and putting my thoughts in this blog for all to read...
Everyone who restrained themselves for the past month look forward to celenbrating Eid.
For me its a constant struggle to manage the impending anxiety that I have to face.
I used to look forward to festivities. I'm a social animal. I like to socialise and enjoy entertaining friends and relatives. Even my C-VAT profile shows that I have a high value for socialibility.
But all that changed several years ago... Since then, it has been a challenge.
What you see is not what you get. On the outside, I may seem calm, but I'm shattering inside. Its like the duck floating on a serene pond. You don't see how hard its kicking underneath.
I recall the Eid celebrations I had several years back... the year I spent some of my time in isolation... in a hospital ward (more about that later.)
I was not comfortable meeting people, not even my siblings and relatives. Without much notice, most of them decided to visit me the first night. It was terrifying!!
I put on a show... and stayed calm as long as I could. The moment the last of them left.. I shattered, I broke down and had to cocoon myself. It was one of numerous terrifying moments for me.
What happened? How did I end up that way? And what are the challenges that I face daily?
Keep in touch with my blog, and I'll share them with you...
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