Walls Have Ears and Much More....

I was thinking about building bridges. Then my thoughts get walled up... he he I started to think about walls.

What's with walls? We build them to either keep people out or in. We build them to keep us safe or keep us form harm. Psychologically, walls give us a sense of security.

In a city I visited, the wealthier the residents, the higher the walls of a housing complex. Here, condominiums have walls while our public housings do not.

Some places express their "open culture" by not having walls.

We have broken down walls as much as building one to separate.

What can walls really do? They have not helped the victims of the last major tsunami... they give false sense of security as we can never be assured that our walls are thick enough, strong enough, or tall enough.

Whenever we face a wall, we can either stop, climb over it or break through the wall. Sitting on it will not do much as we may be at the higher ground but which ground can we make a difference in? The wall itself reflect the existence of two sides that are separated. Sitting on the wall reinforces the position of that wall.

Of all the walls, the walls of ignorance and bigoted truism may be the hardest to break and it exist in most of us...

Getting All Drained

I have been trying to figure out the reasons underlying my tiredness and headaches...

I reached one possible reason - my system is working on overdrive to sustain and maintain an acceptable composure to ensure that my anxieties are channeled appropriately and that my thoughts do not get into a spiral.

I realised that I have been able to have greater focus in my work, but couldn't figure out what is draining me out?

I do not have much space and time to allow lag time for my anxieties to be expended. No more time to warm-up or prep against a cold-start. Now, its up and go!

I feel the need to paint... it has become an urge... better get to it before it becomes an obsession...

I can see what's at work here... transference...

HOME

From Katharine McPhee:

Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
Home
You found home

From Daughtry:

I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

From Michael Buble:

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Who am I?

I thought that I had passed the crossroads. Then, I realised that I was still wallowing at the corner of the junction, stuck in a day dream or probably deluded by the rush of academic euphoria.

Suddenly, something hit my head. I looked up and saw that one of the signs had dropped. I wondered how that sign will fit to the post. Was it pointing to this way or that? I can't remember.

It was only yesterday that the signs were clear. I knew that it pointed to one possible path that I could take. Now that the sign has dropped, I could not figure out where the sign was pointing to. I am lost again! I can either guess where the direction is or take the lead from the rest that hangs on the post. Although I have not considered these destinations previously, they are more reassuring.

At least the direction is clear and I know where each path will lead me to. If only I took some time to remember the direction clearly, I would be stuck at the crossroads.

I've wallowed for too long. While I would want to curse and swear at the sign that dropped on my head or stomp on it, how could I? It was a good knock in the head.

I guess I am back to "Never good enough!" But this time, I'm too tired to prove them wrong! I'm tired of being moulded. I'm tired of meeting expectations. I'm tired... it's time to go HOME......

3 Strikes and You Are OUT!!????... huh???

I have had three major blows recently.

The first questioned my capacity to be part of an elite service.

The second questioned my years of service to the community.

The third questioned my insights, analysis and research capacities relevant to the academic field.

If this was a game, I have had three strikes and I should be OUT. Thankfully, that's not the case.

I have wrote in my previous entries about my need to re-assess my benchmarks. I will be doing so.

Frankly, I'm glad that I have these setbacks. The fact that I have not cracked despite these setbacks showed that I'm on track- I'm not OUT.

It's heartening to hear further encouragements from friends. Their stances may differ but I guess their objectives are clear. I hope to re-assure these good friends of mine that I am not disturbed by these setbacks. It only spurns me to be much better than anything else.

Then, I began thinking about my darling wife's reminder to me- "You can't be good in everything." I see lots of sense in those words.

I will be taking a back-seat for a while and build on things that I truly believe in and see value in its growth. I've learnt that accolades (including academic certification) need not be a motivation for inspiration, innovation and compassion. I will simply rely on my intuition, resolve and tenacity...