Cracking Up II

Picture from www.tylergore.com/words/epiphany.html

Almost could not make it.

Getting out of breadth. Feeling uncomfortable in my own living room. Feeling afraid to get out of the house. Feeling numb and not able to do much. Keeping still, afraid that any movement might cause a psychosomatic strain on my leg, back, neck, stomach...

I started to feel tingling in my thighs, cramp in my left feet, numbness in the last three fingers of my left hand, slight contractions in my neck, choking on my own saliva...

My wife brought me out.

We went to VivoCity... What a crowd... When I reached there and could not find her, I had my back to the wall, kept my eyes on the floor so that I don't see the crowd. She got lost. I had to find her. Natural instinct took over...

I had to 'save' my wife.

I was prepared. I had three layers of clothings. Of course, I had my 'safety' jacket on. I grab on to something in my hands. Clenched fist, ready to defend myself. I had to create the physical posture of being able to defend myself.

I was in a bubble. I seem to float as I make my way to where my wife said she was waiting. I found her, but she just too far. I have to make it to her. She saw me and I made my way down knowing that she would follow me. I need to be directed. She did. We went for dinner.

I had a comforting time. We talked, joked and I laughed. All the while looking around me. Scanning the crowd. Paranoia... I dont know. I felt slightly comforted.

We walked awhile. She suggested the bookstore. What a move... my comfort zone... books...

At the end of the evening, I felt much better. Confronted the crowd, but felt so tired... like always... the fight wears me out... a battle I fight everyday and I thought I had left the army!

Join the Army and you're made for life... I guess that's why I battled on... but I'm getting tired of fighting... too many open wounds...

And my wife's the medic for today! like always... she's my nightingale.

Cracking Up

I am afraid... a sense of fear is engulfing me.

First it starts with a discomfort.
Among crowds. Under the microscope. Being looked at.
Then, comes the lost of breadth in these situations.

I've been yawning very hard again these few days.
Going out is making me tired. It's taking too much energy. It's wearing me out.

Keeping still at home makes me feel safe, but I've work to do. I've got to break this chain.
I'm 'cracking up'. What do I do? Deep breathing. Perhaps, go for a swim later.

It's been a while since I went swimming. Swimming keeps me maintain some form of stability. It's the combination of exercise and deep breathing that will be helpful. I should go for a swim today, but first I need to 'warm-up', so that I don't feel so afraid leaving home.

Stiff Neck... Again!

What a setback!

Just when I was progressing well with my thesis and some work.... I got the stiff neck again!

This time, I became proactive and took precautions. I cancelled or postponed all my meetings... inform those concerned of my condition and took some medication to relax my muscles. It worked. No contractions, just muscle tiredness.

I guess I did not eat well enough when I took the jamu. I developed heartburn and hiccups... not to worry... I can handle that.

I became worried when I started to be uncomfortable in a crowd area. It's coming back to me again. In such a situation, my action would be- look down, don't look into the crowd; look at a familiar face- my wife. My hands are not tingling- i.e. no 'chills', so I'm safe. It's just minor 'cracks'. After a while, I'm back to 'normal'. To be safe, better get out of the place... so I told my wife about my discomfort and off we went--home!

It was actually a little bit too much today. Based on my assessment, I could not be out of the house to more than one place. I could only afford a place. But I can't let the condition control my life. So, I attempted to push it. Almost paid the price for it. Alhamdullillah, I managed not to 'crack'.

Learning As We Go Along

I've just learnt how to upload pictures. Didn't realise there's a picture insert button on the control panel above the post editing page.

Most times, we tend to see only what we want to. I did not intend to upload pictures until recently, to add some 'colour' to my otherwise 'plain' text.

Billistone (1986) who wrote Power of Symbols contrasted the symbolic to the literal and the describing the latter as 'plain'. So , I thought that since I've used 'codes' in a manner similar to symbols, I could add on to my 'literal' texts and use photos.

These photos are of the museum's gallery before and after it was open for use. This gallery has been designated for temporary exhibitions. Anyway, the second photo shows my exhibition on the research I did for my thesis.

I managed to put up an exhibition based on an incomplete thesis. I tend to wonder what I'll be able to do with a complete one-- get it published perhaps!

Again, people only see what they are aware of seeing or know what to see. When I began working on my exhibition, skeptics abound... "How can you do it? You've not completed your thesis?...Are you sure?"

But I was sure; and sure enough I managed to put up the exhibition with "half a cup full". Others see my work as "half a cup empty". It also shows that despite my 'conditions', we can do things...

That's how I' ve been seeing my condition- as "half a cup full" and that I'm halfway there and have lots of potential to fill the cup. Sometimes, filling the cup halfway is tough enough when there's lost of panic to deal with, and the constant work to keep it that way... 'panic at bay'.

So, to the rest of the world out there, give us a break... every effort we make to fill the cup and do something beyond maintaining our stability is more work than a 'normal' person would need to do.

We are 'NORMAL' but in a different sort of way. What we need to do is to tap into what's left of our old self and build on what we've gained from the experience.

For me, it's the creative juices that flowed when I'm in a high state of anxiety; and the assurance that I still have my intellectual capacity and drive to do what I have done, again! What's yours?

Special Mention

For today's post, I want to dedicate this space to my wife.














As of today, we have been married for 10 wonderful years and three beautiful daughters to show for it.

I've known her for thirteen years and she has been at my side all this while, even when I am at my worst state of alternating between cries and laughter at the same time. I can't imagine what it might have been for her to see her once assertive-confident-(probably arrogant) man become this whining-weak-useless man who cries and cries and laugh at the same time.

It was hard for her in the beginning and it took time for her to develop an understanding. But from then on, she has been very close by my side and I've never felt alone. (Sometimes I do, but its psychological. It's the disorder... blame the disorder...not me... it... it!)

She is my wings, my wind, the ground I walk on, and the anchors of my sanity... and there are several songs I could sing to her to express how I feel! But that's for her to listen to... (actually, I don't know how to insert music yet and in lazy mood to type in all the lyrics. easier to play the cd for her later...)

Anyway, I would like to share with you the importance of having someone close know what's going on with you. I took my wife to see the psychiatrist during one of my appointments and my condition and disorder was explained to her.

She gave me the space I needed... I really need more space as I gained 30kg (still not able to shed them) the year I had depression and anxiety disorder.

She learnt my body language... like when I begin to shake my feet furiously whenever an attack launches itself.... or when she wakes up to see me wrapped in my blanket...

She understands my codes... (see earlier posts)

To my sayang, I love you always...

Facing Fear

After a meeting yesterday, I decided to take a walk along Orchard Road. There was quite a crowd walking from Ngee Ann City to Wheelock Place with a frequency of 2 to 3 people passing me every two steps I took.

It was a leisurely walk and nice weather- not too humid. Then, I felt the chills. I still feel them whenever I face an oncoming crowd. But its much better now.

When I was at the height (or doldrums) of my condition, I will immediately 'crack' and have a 'panic attack' the moment I see an oncoming crowd. I feel suffocated and will begin hyperventilating. In the worst moments, I do not need a crowd. The moment I set foot outside my house, I will get 'wacked'! (get the full complements of the panic attack)

It was fun actually... one foot out and my system goes haywire, put the foot back in and it begins to stabilise... one foot out- wacked!... put the foot back in- 'safe'... Try this and you will realise how personal conception of space affects your state of mind and body.

Anyway, while my MC says "stay at home", I had to break the rules. I attempt to leave the house and face 'fear'. Before I proceed, time for the screen shot ala-Rambo- I take my dose of Xanax, put on layers of clothings (the thicker the 'safer' I felt- like body armour), psyche myself and there I go...one foot out, then the next and off to the battlefield.

What I did to overcome my fear of crowds is this...

First, I identified areas which will have different levels of crowdedness- not only in terms of numbers but movement as well. In my 'experiments' then, I realised that I am more affected by a moving oncoming crowd than a static one.

Next, I begin the battle. I begin with places with less crowd and not so much movement. I timed how long I can last and progress from there. When I am comfortable with the first level, I moved on to the next and so on. I do this until I can be 'stable' in a crowd, static or mobile.

WARNING!: It's not safe to attempt these 'battles' alone. At least, inform someone or have someone on standby. Have your handphone ready! Have your Xanax and water ready!

I did it most times without my wife's knowledge and it was horrific (for her as well!) when I get a full-fledged panic attack outside, in some mall or crowded place. I don't think you want to be caught is such a state, unless you want attention from others who might think you are either 'drunk' or suffering a heart-attack. Either way, I tend to get stares rather than a helping hand. So, don't do it alone!

Over time, I managed not so much to overcome the fear, but how to manage fear.

Even today, I still get the chills and begin to yawn when I face an oncoming crowd. It's not that I'm sleepy but gasping for air! So my iPod shuffle with comforting songs+Quranic recitations downloaded become my virtual bubble in buffering against fear.

Everyone needs a personal space. Its part of human territoriality. Its dignity, sovereignty and personality. However, it's up to us how we define it- how big or small-, and whether we want to share it. And if sharing is 'safe' to us. The more you share your 'safe' space the more space you have to move in without fear.

Movies Do Talk

Other than songs, watching movies provide some benefit. It forms part of my recovery process.

While movie therapy seems to be an emerging trend, (for me) its not the movie per se, but watching it in a cinema.

A cinema provides a 'safe' environment for me to re-habilitate my system to exist comfortably in a crowd of strangers. I don't have to look at people; I know that noone is looking at me; and even if they are looking at me (usually the delusion that I get), they can't really see me. So, in this 'environment', I'm 'safe'.

Some movies were meant for pure entertainment. Just to get myself out of the 'safe' zones and into a crowded place (read- 'unsafe' zone). These are usually action movies without any philosophical plot, that seem to attract the crowd. However, do not dismiss these movies as they may have some dialogue that talks to you.

Yes, movies talk to me. Just like songs, I seem to add meaning to dialogues in movies as some of them 'talk' to me. Hence, it's much better to watch movies that have enough dialogue to nag you into going beyond the boundaries and enter 'unsafe' zones. The best part about cinemas is that they are located at or near shopping malls- the arena to test "how long I can last in the open without hyperventilating and feeling light in the head; lose my senses in my hands, feet, head; and having my guts contract painfully?" (it comes in that sequence...)

You Give Me Wings, Raise Me Up...

You give me wings when I'm falling
You lift me up when I'm down
Taking me high
Touching the sky
Yeah, You make me fly
-"You Give Me Wings"

You raise me up
So I can stand on mountains
You raise me up
To walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
- "You Raised Me Up"

Most times I would listen to songs and give my meaning to the words.

In my tutorial classes I would teach undergrads how to unpack songs and identify them in terms of the lyrics, composition, rhytmn, instruments and themes. So, I have unpack songs and add my meaning to them so that I can be self-motivated. This one is sung by Michael Bolton:

I'm gonna break these chains around me
I'm gonna learn to fly again
Maybe hard, maybe hard
But I'll do it
When I'm back on my feet again

Soon these tears will all be drying
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time
But I'll see it
When I'm back on my feet again

Chorus:
When I'm back on my feet again
I will prowl down this street again
And they'll all look at me again
And they'll see that I'm strong

I'm gonna hear the children laughing
Gonna hear the voices sing
Won't be long, won't be long
Til I hear them
When I'm back on my feet again

I'm gonna feel the sweet light of heaven
That's shining down its light on me
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will feel it
When I'm back on my feet again

Chorus

And I'm not gonna crawl again
I will learn to stand tall again
I'm not gonna fall again
Cos I learnt to be strong

Soon these tears will all be drying
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
When I'm back on my feet again
When I'm back on my feet again

I'll be back on my feet again!

- "When I'm Back On My Feet Again"

However, the most emotive song for me will be Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's Maki Madni (The Last Prophet).

In subsequent blogs, I will share other songs that have helped me recover. Sing about song therapy...

What's in a Name? Plenty!

Today I attended an extended family gathering.

In my memory this gathering is supposedly the second. There were 160 members present today, compared to about 230 in 2002.

I was not there in 2002. I was just discharged from hospital or perhaps still warded. I can't remember. Either way it was a Sunday, and I was in a 'cocoon'.

'cocoon'- the stage where I cover myself from head to toe in a blanket to keep the world away from me.

I have names for most things about my experience. Naming things help me make sense of my experiences.

So there's 'cracking up', 'the chills', 'cocoon', 'warming up', 'cold start', 'convergence'. The list will grow with every new experience, and thankfully I do not need to give a name to a new experience. It's also a code I use to indicate to those who are familiar with me that I need to get away from whatever situation.

'cracking up'- when I begin to sense that I am not able to control my anxiety or that I am losing control of my senses.

'the chills'- the tingling I feel, usually in my hands, which tells me that my system is not comfortable with the environment and that I may need to evacuate or risk 'cracking up'.

'warming up' (related to 'cold start')- it's usually the psychologically warm up that I need to do to prepare me for the day. This usually happens during the time I am 'cracking up'. Usually, when I succeed in maintaining a normal routine (at the cost of being late for a few days) I'll overcome a possible relapse.

'cold start'- waking up to a high state of anxiety. Not managed properly, I could go into 'cocoon' stage.

'convergence'- when three or more 'factors' that are likely to contribute to a high anxiety state converges. It helps to take notes and understand yourself so that you know your triggers.

Idenifying and isolating triggers are one way in which I move from being so fearful of leaving my bed to giving a speech to about 200 strangers.

Washing Your Hands

Keeping busy and occupied keeps panic away...

I have been occupying myself with completing my thesis.

I have yet to swim and my body has indicated its need.

Another thing I've gained from the experience with A/PD (figure it out yourself) is "conversation" with my system (not body), and its not between my mind and system either!

The brain and body has become my buddy.

I 'talk' to it so that I know what it needs, what it doesn't want and what it's uncomfortable with.

If you are not comfortable with 'talking' to your body, try 'feeling' or 'sensing' or 'listening'.

Like I've said, senses get heightened and take advantage of it.

Wash your hands and feel the water engulf your hands. Feel the texture of your palms and skin as you wash them. Enjoy the slippery soap and feel each bubbles pop. For seconds, you can sense the world in your hands, know that you are alive and be grateful for it!

The experience will be much better if you follow the procedures recommended by hospitals. The procedure is usually pasted near wash basins (or sinks). Staying at a hospital for some time does make it a routine...Try it and make sense of it... You'll enjoy washing hands thereafter and you'll be surprised what can be learnt from a toilet!

Where Did Panic Go?

I'm supposed to be panicking now, but I'm not...

So, something must be terribly wrong with me...

I'm supposed to be panicking as my thesis is due next week. I've about 10,000 words to go and several books to re-read. The references and citations are not fully included; and I'm writing in this blog.

At a time when I'm supposed to panic, I'm calm. And when I'm supposed to be calm, I'm panicking! Perhaps that explains why its a disorder...

Being Poetic While in Panic

While the experience of a panic attack or the onset itself can be frightening and painful at times (when it becomes psychomatic with muscle contractions), there's a poetic side to it.

I'm not being philosophical, but literal.

I realised that the 'energy' generated from a state of high anxiety can be channeled to creative work. I realised that by 'accident' as I attempted to write and paint during such a state to 'distract' my system from a non-existent 'threat'.

However, when the 'anxiety' is consumed through the creative process, my 'works' tend to be unfinished... this was the most recent...

I SIT AND WAIT (16 October 2006)

I sit and wait
I feel the wind linger
I see a glow in the distance
I hear a rumble at my feet
I savour a whisk of fresh serenade

Oh what a whisper I envision
A scent of imagination
A shimmering ordination

From the horizon the glow beckons
The siren calls to my addiction
What of my affliction
Or is it a proposition

I sit and wait
I feel the wind flutter
I see a glow no more
I hear a grumble at my feet
I regurgitate a stale palisade

Oh what a scream I see
A pungent trepidation
A blinding supplication

From the horizon the glow sickens
The siren blows to my attention
What of my predilection
Or is it a delusion

I sit and wait
I feel the wind no more
I see a glow no more
I hear a trickle at my feet
I swill a drop of marmalade

Oh what deafening sight
A

Special Needs

Recently, there was a media hype about the special needs of the diabled.

Somehow, "disability" has been closely related to "special needs".

I'm just wondering... don't every individual have their own special needs? We are afterall unique and to say that only the 'disabled' has 'special needs' seem to put them apart from everyone else again!

While the 'disabled' may want to integrate as much as they can into 'mainstream' society, they do have 'special needs' like facilities which allow them access and arrangements which can allow them to interact with others as much as everyone else.

This brings me to a point. Is someone like me 'disabled'? Some members of society do regard people with my conditions as not full functional, as much as typical 'disabled' would be.

Why are the 'disabled' given provisions for their 'special needs', when they should be 'enabled' instead?

Anyway, we have a long way to go in providing for people with 'disability'.

I recall that I wrote about the lack of access for those on wheelchairs in my GCE A Level General Paper examination in 1990. Then, there was an article in the Straits Times which inspired me about the topic. I scored a distinction for that GP paper!

More than a decade later, our island has not fully integrated facilities which allow greater access to the 'mobility-challenged'.

That's progress for this Island!