I had about three-quarter of a day celebrating Eid ul-Fitr - a day to mark the end of the fasting month and a triumph over my nafs - 'desires'.
For the rest of the day, up to this Monday morning, I had to spend my time in bed - to let my feet heal and to calm my nerves. Celebrations seem to overwhelm my senses and I tend to 'crack'. It does not help when a group of relatives decide to pay a visit. It was too overwhelming and I could not leave my room. I wonder if the same will occur when I 'open' my home to my friends and students this coming weekend. If I cracked, what will I do?
Monday, October 15, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
When I should have panicked....
I met with a "near-accident" when the taxi I was in skidded while turning into the expressway where most cars would be accelerating to enter.
As the taxi drifted with the skillful defensive driving by the driver, I was bracing myself for a possible impact, establishing instantaneous appreciation of the situation, praying that my family will be taken care of if something happens to me, observing the actions of the driver and saying what could possibly be my last prayer...
...the taxi stabilised and stopped as oncoming vehicles reacted, slowed down and stopped in time.
Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I wasn't anxious and reacted as though nothing happened. When I reached my home, my heart didn't plunge, my knees didn't fumble, my hands didn't tremble and I was very very calm. My system is really haywired!!! I didn't panic when I should, and panicked when I shouldn't...
...and I'm still calm and the only anxiety I feel is from my struggles to give a fair grade to my students - the soldier says,"If they don't meet the standard...they won't get the grade!"; my mentor says,"We need to ensure that they are aware of the rationale behind their grades and we should find ways to encourage them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt won't hurt"; and my conformist says, "stick to the curve...stick to the curve!"
At least, it makes me feel like I'm in the battlefield again! This time the enemies are 'ignorance' and indifference; the objective is 'learning'; and the weapon is my heart.
As the taxi drifted with the skillful defensive driving by the driver, I was bracing myself for a possible impact, establishing instantaneous appreciation of the situation, praying that my family will be taken care of if something happens to me, observing the actions of the driver and saying what could possibly be my last prayer...
...the taxi stabilised and stopped as oncoming vehicles reacted, slowed down and stopped in time.
Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I wasn't anxious and reacted as though nothing happened. When I reached my home, my heart didn't plunge, my knees didn't fumble, my hands didn't tremble and I was very very calm. My system is really haywired!!! I didn't panic when I should, and panicked when I shouldn't...
...and I'm still calm and the only anxiety I feel is from my struggles to give a fair grade to my students - the soldier says,"If they don't meet the standard...they won't get the grade!"; my mentor says,"We need to ensure that they are aware of the rationale behind their grades and we should find ways to encourage them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt won't hurt"; and my conformist says, "stick to the curve...stick to the curve!"
At least, it makes me feel like I'm in the battlefield again! This time the enemies are 'ignorance' and indifference; the objective is 'learning'; and the weapon is my heart.
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