What makes a man?

Some say, it takes money (the right amount) in order to make a man... to make a man who could rule and govern a nation to success. But what will be in that man, whose value is based on money which is arbitrary, virtual and highly dependent on how we perceive its value.

A friend once tore a currency note in front of me. I wondered, that money could buy me lunch. He says the note when torn into pieces had no value for its torn pieces unless they are attached together. Next, he showed me a piece of gold coin. He says that if he were to do the same to the coin, i.e. break it into pieces, each broken piece will continue to have its value. In that 'magic' show, he expressed the need to revert back to gold and silver forms of money so that the poor will not be affected by currency fluctuations and all their earnings will be worth their weight in gold.

From that anecdote I recall my mom's practice of buying gold bracelets which she will wear on the forearm. When the family income is good, she will have two rows of it on her left and right arms. When the family economy took a dive, she would pawnt he bracelets or sell them for cash. People like her resisted the financial markets in their own way. In the event of a crisis in which the value of currencies can take a nose dive, she still have her gold to make ends meet.

I should start investing in gold now... and if our leaders are worth their weight in gold, I wonder... What makes a man?

The Tip of the Iceberg?

Every time I have a bad cough that does not seem to go away after few days worries me. Since 2001, a bad cough is not a bad cough. Its a harbinger of possible relapse.

Historical precedence has shown such a relationship... i.e. bad cough could be psychosomatic ( a retired psychiatrist from the US with more than 25 years of practice has shared with me that he find no evidence to support the claims for psychosomatic responses... i.e. 1+1 is not equal to 2!)and is a sign that I have cracked and the inevitable is about to happen.

Historical precedence seem to govern much of our lives. We were 'taught' not to incite inter-ethnic differences as such actions will lead to riots. We were 'convinced' (really??!) that as citizens, we need to tighten our belt so that our future is secured... but today was yesterday's future and nothing seems to have launched into something wondrous!

Anyway, the folly of experience is the lack of wisdom to assess the validity of historical precedence. We tend to establish relationships among factors which appear obvious to us and conveniently 'forget' about other possibilities. Then, through the reinforcement of such relationships rather than a fresh assessment of events, we establish precedences... The same manner in which our body system evolves and we call this 'reflex'.

In my current predicament, is the bad cough the tip of the iceberg... the harbinger of possible relapse. What seems to be the root of the impending relapse if its to come? The last time I checked, it was a sense of betrayal.... Ok, why do I feel betrayed?.... Could not seem to find the root for the current build-up.

In dealing with A/PD (anxiety/panic disorder), it is always important to negotiate with the root issue. No medication or therapy can be meaningful without reaching into and bringing out for negotiation the root issue. I use 'negotiation' and stress upon it as an issue which have become one of the roots for A/PD are usually complex and cannot be resolved. It has to be negotiated.

Such issues are usually important and form the fundamental basis for a person's existence. (oops... wandering into the third person reference... begin to sound like someone I know...) Hence, it should not be removed but new meaning must be attached to such issues which can be described more as sentiments.... the emotional wiring...

I grew up facing several issues of loyalty at various levels and circumstances. My loyalty(s) have been questioned, tested, misinterpreted and misrepresented. And with loyalty is trust, confidence, sacrifice, service, compensation, recognition, perseverance, endeavour, compassion, passion, fervour, .... and the expected return- reciprocation. When this equation does not balance... it fires rage, anger, vengeance, anarchy... or in the Malay World- running amok... mengamuk...

Overcome The Pain, Moving On

(From http://www.homestead.com/robertgschwartz/page8.html)

I strained my heel during last Friday's game of badminton. It hurt over the weekend.

It slipped my mind to take jamu as preventive measure. I finally took my dose of jamu on Saturday and Sunday. The heel felt better today, but hurt when I attempted to add pressure to my feet.

As I had to spend whatever available time I have now for gym workouts and swims, I pushed myself to walk to the gym. Walking to the gym saves me transport cost and presents itself as a good warm-up so that I can immediately hit the routine when I arrived at the gym.

The walk was painful, but I had to push beyond the pain barrier so that other parts of my feet will not be overstrained as my body activates its compensation mechanism. As I walked on as per normal, the pain in the heel begin to subside and I gained strength from each full step I took without compensation to my overstrained heel.

Overcoming the initial pain allowed me to move on... in the similar manner that I've overcome the initial cold starts that had prevented me from getting out of bed and mellowing in the doldrums of depression and the high-strung jitters of anxiety.

This experience brings forth the question of "What is Pain?" Is it a warning, an inhibition or a precaution? To each situation, its own, and the power of the mind can make a difference. Is it fighting spirit that made me constantly push the barrier or has it been pure stupidity? It's a thin line, but what the heck... no pain no gain!

Dreams...

From http://www.mackaycartoons.net/

I started dreaming about a past/parrallel life.

I was putting on my boots again.

In my dream, I was talking to a group of students when I noticed a soldier getting out of a bus that was parked opposite where I was. Somehow, I felt the need to approach the soldier and I did. When I reached near the bus, I was given the usual salute and greetings from the soldier and he handed me a letter. I was supposed to be shipped somewhere and the soldiers in the bus are members of my new unit, to be placed under my command. I was only to be given less than a day to see my family for the last time before I will be shipped to some unknown location for an unknown period of time....then I woke up.

This dream bears similar features to the dreams I had when my disorder and ankle injury got the better of me. In one of the more unforgettable dreams, I was travelling in a chartered plane that was destined for an overseas training. Along the way, the plane crashed and I was among the survivors. Apparently the commander of the unit died in the crash and the remaining leader of the unit request that I become their new commander. Before I woke up, I could remember crying and shouting that I could no longer be a commander due to my condition. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Although it has been almost six years that I was a full-fledged officer, remnants of a sense of loss opportunities continue to 'haunt' me in my dreams. Usually, the appearance of such a dream signals to me an internal struggle dealing with uncertainty. In my mind, I have sought the sanctity of a secured past that was more certain. While I would be reminded of that lost opportunity in the past, now I see it as a warning of possible internal conflicts which may trigger another possible relapse.

The soldier in me fights on... "I overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination"...

Its Coming Back Again...

I have a GOOD start to 2007... having completed my much awaited thesis, prospects of a new profession, my programmes firmly established, get to enjoy a weekly badminton session, maintain a good frequency of workouts and swims, helping out to train a new school rugby team, secured a willing supervisor for my PhD....

But somehow, I could feel IT attempting to creep back into my life... I wake up with an unusual tinge of anxiety that appears to build up these past few days...

Although I feel that I am in much better control, with the workouts, games and swims, I could sense a cocktail of tinges of fear, anxiety and depression popping up now and then. I could whisk it away as fast as it came, but I kept wondering about how much I've been through and how much more should I be enduring THIS. It's getting tiresome and frankly, boring!

Similarly, I am getting numb with all these recent discussions about the budget... there was a forum again last night. I was occupied with another function to attend yet another cascade briefing rather than a FEEDBACK session on the latest Budget.

More than a decade of such interactions informed me that it's more of equipping the powers that be with more possible reactions to have excuses for... I'm still holding on the idea that the garmen has a book called "1001 Excuses for Effective Administration- A Guide Book for Public Administration". I am also waiting for the publication of the book- "How to get the most out of your citizens".

Retribution or Redistribution?

I was cheated today... of about $7. In a few months time, $7 will be the GST for any $100 purchase... $7 can buy me a nice meal with a second can of drinks... or it can take me on a taxi ride to IKEA... or almost a kilo of fresh beef from the market... or a week's supply of galangal to be made into beras kencur... but is $7 worth sulking for... to some yes, to others its probably peanuts...

In my haste to get a pair of badminton rackets for my daughters... I was offered a special price set of two rackets for $26, instead of purchasing two junior ones for $12.90 each. Later, when I returned home, I checked the papers only to realise that the same set is now sold for $19.90 a pair with two shuttlecocks F.O.C.

I have two choices... accept the loss or return the rackets for a refund... but I have a problem... I was not given a receipt. I heard that in some countries it is an offence for shops not to issue receipts. To go to the shop again will cost me almost the same amount of loss- both in monetary and opportunity costs.

And even if I managed to get back my loss, I would have not gained anything but the satisfaction of attaining 'justice'. Some say its not the cost or the price but the principles. However, I've learnt in numerous occassions that principles (such as hope) cannot feed you. It's money that feeds, especially on this small capitalist island. To get monetary benefits, you first need to deposit money... to those who really needs money, I wonder if they do get their share of the benefits...

I can see it in another way in which the additional $7 that the shop took from me goes into the slow process of income redistribution... or subsidises the increase in GST for the shopowner and his very effective salesperson who sold me that set of rackets (That guy should get a bonus!)

Or I can apply my usual method of seeking divine retribution for those who cheats... it may be pure coincidence that such individuals or companies who had done so in the past are in pretty bad shape... some of them do not exist anymore (the companies I mean)...

...but then again, it may be done without malicious intent and I have only myself to blame for not becoming a more discerning consumer. As self-blame seems to be the norm these days, I might as well join in the forray. In this island, if you do not succeed, you only have yourselves to blame.

This episode see the return of a part of me that had hibernated for a long time- the compulsive and hasty shopper...

Arrogance or Confidence?

I shared with some students about my experience with panic disorder and spending time at the hospital. One of them shared that she had gone through an episode of depression and was cutting herself. She confidently asserted that she had managed to get herself out of depression and felt stronger from the experience.

I could sense some degree of arrogance within her 'shield' of confidence. I began to wonder if I had exude the same sense of pride and achievement in overcoming my depression and panic disorder- and probably the same arrogance.

It was that arrogance that could have compelled me to demonstrate the proper way of passing the ball during rugby training. Since a few weeks ago, I had been assisting with the set-up of the first ever rugby team in a school.

I wonder if its the arrogance and over-confidence which caused me to attempt to run and caused tremendous pain in my feet, ankle, calf, knee and thighs. Or was it the impetus to lead by example that compelled me to show rather than tell the boys how to pass the ball... either way I'm more aware now of the limitations that I really have....

While attempting to catch the ball while running, I tripped... my instinct was to continue running to prevent the fall, but my ankle locked itself, thereby not allowing me to slowly break the fall.... I caught the ball but fell forward... it hurt termendously and I'm not sure if I can join the badminton game tomorrow...

I tried playing badminton with my daughter and it went well...

Passing on the Light...

I conducted a workshop yesterday to a group of 120 students attempting their GCE O Levels this year.

Shared with them mu story and the stories of my friends who have a list of achievements, but it does not seem to excite the students.... Later, their interest picked up only when I shared with them how my D, D, F grades for Prelim became an A, B, A for the GCE A Level exams...

Although some research have shown that students would be more inclined to be attentive when a talk or workshop is delivered by someone who has made achievements, it is more effective if the trainers or speaker showed that they are also 'human' and not 'super-human'... students seem to be put-off by 'super-humans' and over-achievers.

I've decided to forego assessing my effectiveness from the Feedback forms... it was more than worthwhile to have a teacher asking me advice for her own plans in the future and a bunch of students who continue to hang around and kept asking questions about their life, plans, ambitions, etc... and also about why one of them kept crying... and none of them know me two hours earlier!