Anonymity seems to provide us with the "protection" we need for something that we all cherish - our identity.
Who we are... What we do... What we stand for... How we lead our lives...
I used to be perturbed by comments that would have gotten on my nerves, but not anymore.
'Shoes' are metaphors, and references made are metaphysical...
Some shoes can be bought, like someone suggested, but not all shoes are for sale.
If only I could WALK, but I can't. Well, I'll pray that someone will never be in my SHOES. It would have been one painful, agonizing, frightening tripidation.
But that someone is probably so full of angst that I have become concerned. For that is a sign that someone is on the brink of being in my SHOES. I sound like that once, but got on with life. But being sinister, let me Welcome you in advance to a world of fears, nightmares, isolation, discrimination... then we'll see if its as simple as getting a new SHOE.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Get on with it!
I could not imagine that I last this long in blogworld... just as I did not expect to leave active service with the Army... nor complete my thesis....
...but somehow it all happened.
I guess APD sufferers have to deal with 'cold starts' in the morning and prep themselves to start the day on the right side of the bed... wait, left side?... no, right (as in correct) side of the bed.
For the past several years, I was apprehensive that mental reconfiguration would help as the brain/mind would be aware of the deception. Usually its the brain/mind tag-team that is deluding the entire system.
This morning, I tried it out of desperation. I need to have my life back! I need to be the person I meant to be... not this fear fearing panic panicky and anxious anxiety person! (But I do like that ff, pp and aa person - he is overflowing with creative juices, not such an a@#$%^e , more forgiving, more relaxed, etc...)
Anyway, I could wake up today without having to drag myself out of bed! That's an achievement, I move out of my safety zone by choice and not having to deal with cold starts. But, now I'm feeling the cracks.
Guess, I have to hold on tight now....
...but somehow it all happened.
I guess APD sufferers have to deal with 'cold starts' in the morning and prep themselves to start the day on the right side of the bed... wait, left side?... no, right (as in correct) side of the bed.
For the past several years, I was apprehensive that mental reconfiguration would help as the brain/mind would be aware of the deception. Usually its the brain/mind tag-team that is deluding the entire system.
This morning, I tried it out of desperation. I need to have my life back! I need to be the person I meant to be... not this fear fearing panic panicky and anxious anxiety person! (But I do like that ff, pp and aa person - he is overflowing with creative juices, not such an a@#$%^e , more forgiving, more relaxed
Anyway, I could wake up today without having to drag myself out of bed! That's an achievement, I move out of my safety zone by choice and not having to deal with cold starts. But, now I'm feeling the cracks.
Guess, I have to hold on tight now....
Monday, January 22, 2007
Stiff Neck...Not Again
I almost had a stiff neck again!
But this time, I'm fully aware that its an impending anxiety build-up. I assessed my situation and reason/rationalise the list of possible triggers.
Soon, the stiff neck begin to relax...
When we begin to understand the signs and signals that our body presents to us, we can manage anxiety build-up and prevent possible attacks. Knowing and appreciating the signs and signals alone are not enough. We need to understand that each episode have a trigger(s).
Our system responds to threat. For us, who has anxiety/panic disorder, it include abstract forms of threat that may not have direct impact on us but perhaps much later indirect impacts. In my experience, when I am able to rationalise those perceived threats or prepare myself to face them, my anxieties often dissipate.
But, as with all disorders, it does not work all the time, but most of the time. That's the reason for calling it a "disorder"...
But this time, I'm fully aware that its an impending anxiety build-up. I assessed my situation and reason/rationalise the list of possible triggers.
Soon, the stiff neck begin to relax...
When we begin to understand the signs and signals that our body presents to us, we can manage anxiety build-up and prevent possible attacks. Knowing and appreciating the signs and signals alone are not enough. We need to understand that each episode have a trigger(s).
Our system responds to threat. For us, who has anxiety/panic disorder, it include abstract forms of threat that may not have direct impact on us but perhaps much later indirect impacts. In my experience, when I am able to rationalise those perceived threats or prepare myself to face them, my anxieties often dissipate.
But, as with all disorders, it does not work all the time, but most of the time. That's the reason for calling it a "disorder"...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Perfection
I received my students' feedback about my tutoring. I scored an average of 4.0 out of a score of 5.0 but I was disturbed with the negative comments.
It was not so much about the negative comments, but the need to be 'perfect'. I realised that I tend to look for the flaws, shortcomings, imperfections, etc and not appreciating the good things. Its draining my energy and causing unnecessary anxieties.
My psychiatrist once commented that perfectionists are prone to anxiety/panic disorders. Its reasonable as we are picky about very small things. I recall spending time on a poster using Photoshop and adjusting to the pixel the alignment of the text and other elements.
But, what is perfect? When we consider perfection, what are we really thinking about? Symmetry, flawlessness, consistency, smoothness, ...?
When we fear we cannot achieve perfection, we procrastinate, keep it away, far far away.
Perhaps, learning to let go. Learning to be happy with the good things of what we have and not be too pre-occupied with what we are short of, what we are lacking, will make us more perfect. But again, what is perfection?
It was not so much about the negative comments, but the need to be 'perfect'. I realised that I tend to look for the flaws, shortcomings, imperfections, etc and not appreciating the good things. Its draining my energy and causing unnecessary anxieties.
My psychiatrist once commented that perfectionists are prone to anxiety/panic disorders. Its reasonable as we are picky about very small things. I recall spending time on a poster using Photoshop and adjusting to the pixel the alignment of the text and other elements.
But, what is perfect? When we consider perfection, what are we really thinking about? Symmetry, flawlessness, consistency, smoothness, ...?
When we fear we cannot achieve perfection, we procrastinate, keep it away, far far away.
Perhaps, learning to let go. Learning to be happy with the good things of what we have and not be too pre-occupied with what we are short of, what we are lacking, will make us more perfect. But again, what is perfection?
Friday, January 12, 2007
Its Finally Done!
After 3 and half years, the child is born!
Finally, 39753 words and 196 pages, its done!
I'm done. So, what do I do now? At least before today, I was comfortable being a graduate student... now, I add one more to the government's stats for the unemployed.
So its mass mailing time... no fuss... even when I feel duped.
I recall growing up with the constant barrage of the importance of being an all-rounder - a generalist. Now, most employers look for sepcialists and leverage on power teams.
When I signed my life away, the phrase was "When you are made in the Army, you're made for life!" Well, some life! Well-trained but the industry got a bit different! Everything requires certification now. It means a boom for the education and training industry, but also for publishers, bookstores, printing firms, computer retailers, software, internet subscriptions, etc....
Amazing how certification can develop an entire industry!
I've got most of what I need to reflect my capacities and capabilities, but the reality is that I have yet to obtain a mental health certification. To certify that I am anxiety- and panic-free!
maybe I should initiate this certification and reap profits from being the pioneer.
Finally, 39753 words and 196 pages, its done!
I'm done. So, what do I do now? At least before today, I was comfortable being a graduate student... now, I add one more to the government's stats for the unemployed.
So its mass mailing time... no fuss... even when I feel duped.
I recall growing up with the constant barrage of the importance of being an all-rounder - a generalist. Now, most employers look for sepcialists and leverage on power teams.
When I signed my life away, the phrase was "When you are made in the Army, you're made for life!" Well, some life! Well-trained but the industry got a bit different! Everything requires certification now. It means a boom for the education and training industry, but also for publishers, bookstores, printing firms, computer retailers, software, internet subscriptions, etc....
Amazing how certification can develop an entire industry!
I've got most of what I need to reflect my capacities and capabilities, but the reality is that I have yet to obtain a mental health certification. To certify that I am anxiety- and panic-free!
maybe I should initiate this certification and reap profits from being the pioneer.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Grading papers while on fieldwork helps me occupy waiting time.Feeling edgy today... wondering what's the cause.
My hear is pumping much faster today, and I'm feeling a tinge of fear- fear of leaving my sanctuary- my home. In the past, I could not pass beyond my bedroom door! So now I've expanded the sanctuary to my entire house. I should work towards expanding it to the entire neighbourhood!
I'm nearing the end of my journey precisely this week. Supposed to be today that I will submit my thesis, but I had bad days over the weekend. My frontal lobe felt congested and I could not think clearly to write in the last section. My heart beat had picked up pace, and I felt so uncomfortable outside my sanctuary.
It was a feat the past few weeks... starting off at about 23,000 words when I began seriously writing and hitting past 58,000 words last week. By my final meeting with my Supervisor, I had reduced it to about 41,300 words. Where did the 16,000 words go? I don't know!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
A Page from the Past: 1 Jan 2003
In this New Year of 2003, I aim to reduce the frequency of panic episode to one a month.
My plans for the future has stabilised...
The episodes I experience these days are mild and involve a lingering sensation of fear.
During an acupuncture treatment, I almost developed a fear of needles and pain. I need the acupuncture to ease the pain in my ankle and foot. It's better than pain killers.
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