At the end of the road...

I am more confident of of facing the inevitable... standing at the crossroads, wondering where to go. I've reached the end of my journey; discovered new places, spaces and faces.

I wonder where I will be in a weeks' time? in a month? in a year?

Opportunities abound but what of the chances?

A sense of fear is creeping out, I might be cracking... my thigh muscles getting tight again.

I'm keeping anxiety & panic at bay as I've started a new hobby.

New Hobby

My wife introduced me to a new hobby recently like fish to water.

Through her brief introduction, I developed an interest in the making of wire jewellery.

The hobby requires patience, which tests my anxiety levels. Good to try!

I've moved my designs to a new blog site... www.purplegold.blogspot.com

Flight

It beckons to me
By day and night

It is neither moral nor amoral
It is neither good nor evil

It creeps and haunts
It pounces and taunts

Lifeless days and sleepless nights
On a non-stop flight

* Entered on 2 Jun 2002. I was describing the nature of anxiety attacks.

Prayer

The sweet melody of prayer
Beckons my soul, desire
Awaken O sleepy one
Embrace LIFE with fire!

Let shadows dance
While flame flutters
Let not the winds of change
Douse all that matters

In the ashes of lost
I beseech O Lord
Conjure thy wrath!
I wait with open heart!

*This was entered in my journal on 14 May 2002.

Page from the past...

16 dec 02:
I'm feeling much better. The last episode (mild) was on 15 Dec in the
morning. Coping very well with minimal medication.

My future seems set.

Being a MA student with NUS...

*That was four years ago and now I'm in the process of completing my M.A. at NUS. How time flies...

Today

I keep having a sense that today is special or that something is supposed to be happening. A meeting? A gathering? A submission deadline? A celebration? A birthday?

But I can't remember what it is.

14 December 2006. It looks special to me, but what?

14122006? 141206? 121406? Beats me! Cracking my head too much to figure this out.

Special days. What are they? When I wake up, it seems like any other day... like New Years Day, Chinese New Year Day, Deepavali, Christmas... and yet someone do find these days special. I know Hari Raya is special as I have to attend prayers at the mosque in the morning... I know birthdays are special as I have to figure out what gifts or surprises to get. Other than that a special or holy day is what we make out of it.

I have my good days and not-so-good days. The good days are always special as I can lead a comfortable life without anxiety or panic.

The other type are those that I dread yet find them special as it makes me realise that all the good things are worth living for.

I went to VivoCity/HarbourFront again last evening. Its a convenient place to do banking and pay bills as all the banks I've accounts with are there. But after an hour, I started yawning.

Getting out of breadth again! What luck! Today I'm fine... breathing under control... anxiety in check... so its a special day! Time to celebrate!

Back from the ISLAND

Just got back from a trying and tiring week.

Spent most of the week on the road...

Friday: Singapore-Jakarta by air, Jakarta-Yogyakarta by train.

Saturday: Yogyakarta-Solo-Yogykarta by mini-van ('travel').

Sunday: Yogyakarta-Solo by 'travel'.

Monday: Solo-Yogyakarta by 'travel'.

Tuesday-Wednesday: Yogyakarta-Jakarta by 'travel', Jakarta-Singapore by air, airport to home by taxi, home to chalet by taxi (total travelling: 30 hours).

I had a slight increase in anxiety during flights but otherwise I was calm most of the time.

Reject #647984501

One of my poster designs for my exhibition which was rejected.

I may use it for my thesis cover.

"Birth"

This is one of two drawings I did within 4 hours at the height of one anxiety rush.

"BIRTH" (2005)

Its actually about a pregnant woman and the life she bears within her.

The Malay word for woman- perempuan- is derived from the word 'empu' which can be appreciated as the 'bearer' or 'creator'.

Flying Away

I will be flying... not out of the window, of course.

Such a proposition was enticing once, but not anymore. I experienced and understood the allure of the open window, saw the 'serenity' outside the window, but managed to remain anchored to life.

I chose life...despite its sufferings- for its pain, sorrow, loneliness, fear, and all the other 'negative' emotions/sensations make life more meaningful.

So, when I do laugh, I do it with a sense of gratitude.

When I smile, it's not happiness but an appreciation for the good things in life.

I'm flying, not out of the window, but to the island of green fields- the patchwork of padi fields to be precise- JAVA.

I will be there for about 6 days- a day short of a week.

Yesterday, I was uncomfortable ( and fearful) to be in my own living room and this morning, I will be sitting in a flight to Java. Amazing but true!

Life has to go on... I've work to do and the trip cannot be postponed.

I will be flying.