It's been two years since I had my last relapse. Two very good years that saw me completing my thesis, starting a new career, and after a long time, a full-time job.
Life has been good and it could not have been better. I guess the soles of my shoes are more stable now. It should have been able to take the impacts of each step, giving me adequate rebounds to energise myself. However, the 'old' creature that used to haunt me started making appearances.
I tried to reflect on it and thought that it was a case of discarding a well-loved and meaningful shoe. A shoe that has not only served the community well but also won accolades - three at the institutional, national and international level.
Then, when it crept it stealthily in the past few weeks, I thought that it was another shoe that I chose not to wear. It was a gift from my mom and she had expected me to wear them. It seems as though she had prepared me all this while to put on that shoe. It would have been a life-changing and transformational experience if I had put on the shoe. I'm still thinking of it, though.
It always helps when we try to explain to others our complex situation. Panic disorder. What is that? Are you stressed? Are you facing difficulties? It's a disorder. It should not be reacting in an orderly way. In an orderly way, we should react when there is stress, threat, etc. It's a DISORDER - meaning that there should not be a reason for it.
It's due... and I have to face it again. How long will I have to face it? I've pushed it from a few months to two years now. Should I give up the fight now?
"I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination". With that, I will now tighten my boots and prepare for battle. While I've won several battles, I've yet to win the war.
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