The best of Eid...

I had about three-quarter of a day celebrating Eid ul-Fitr - a day to mark the end of the fasting month and a triumph over my nafs - 'desires'.

For the rest of the day, up to this Monday morning, I had to spend my time in bed - to let my feet heal and to calm my nerves. Celebrations seem to overwhelm my senses and I tend to 'crack'. It does not help when a group of relatives decide to pay a visit. It was too overwhelming and I could not leave my room. I wonder if the same will occur when I 'open' my home to my friends and students this coming weekend. If I cracked, what will I do?

When I should have panicked....

I met with a "near-accident" when the taxi I was in skidded while turning into the expressway where most cars would be accelerating to enter.

As the taxi drifted with the skillful defensive driving by the driver, I was bracing myself for a possible impact, establishing instantaneous appreciation of the situation, praying that my family will be taken care of if something happens to me, observing the actions of the driver and saying what could possibly be my last prayer...

...the taxi stabilised and stopped as oncoming vehicles reacted, slowed down and stopped in time.

Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I wasn't anxious and reacted as though nothing happened. When I reached my home, my heart didn't plunge, my knees didn't fumble, my hands didn't tremble and I was very very calm. My system is really haywired!!! I didn't panic when I should, and panicked when I shouldn't...

...and I'm still calm and the only anxiety I feel is from my struggles to give a fair grade to my students - the soldier says,"If they don't meet the standard...they won't get the grade!"; my mentor says,"We need to ensure that they are aware of the rationale behind their grades and we should find ways to encourage them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt won't hurt"; and my conformist says, "stick to the curve...stick to the curve!"

At least, it makes me feel like I'm in the battlefield again! This time the enemies are 'ignorance' and indifference; the objective is 'learning'; and the weapon is my heart.

Long, long time...

Its' been a while since I last made an entry.

I have managed to occupy most of my life with work (not really work as I nejoy them) and initiating new projects.

I was tracked to be emplaced on a full-time work scheme and it met with a glitch. Surprisingly, I managed to prevent a possible crack from becoming a major problem for me.

It's purification time again and as I fast, I need to reflect upon how I have led my life.

I feel that I am still at the cross-roads and my values in life have persevered despite the numerous challenges that I faced.

Perseverance is a virtue that has been constantly re-affirmed with the progress that I've made. An idea that has lingered in my mind for many years now have found its grounding in my latest project - a leadership programme to provide adequate youth leadership to initiate and manage activities for their peers within a constituency.

I'm glad that three other persons with adequate leadership experiences have agreed to form the main committee to see through the implementation of this project.

I'm still having difficulty breathing due to an increased level of anxiety. However, I feel different and now it seems easier to bring the level down to a comfortable level.

Meaning of Memories

When we think of those we love, what are our memories?

Do we think of them in our happy moments together, or when we overcome trials and tribulations?

What memories makes us love?

We wake up each day with only the memories of our past and a continuous appreciation of our present. We make decisions that will form our future.

At the moment of the present, what makes us love someone?

What memories make us love?

Night Assault

Out of a sudden, I experienced an pre-cursor to an attack.

I wondered about the triggers and made no sense of it as yet.

There are a number of possibilities and I will take my time to sort it out. It is more important for me to be ready for classes this morning. I can't develop the insecurity or fear of leaving home.

As I write, my heart rate is picking up and I have slight difficulty in breathing.

Let's see how it goes today....

Walls Have Ears and Much More....

I was thinking about building bridges. Then my thoughts get walled up... he he I started to think about walls.

What's with walls? We build them to either keep people out or in. We build them to keep us safe or keep us form harm. Psychologically, walls give us a sense of security.

In a city I visited, the wealthier the residents, the higher the walls of a housing complex. Here, condominiums have walls while our public housings do not.

Some places express their "open culture" by not having walls.

We have broken down walls as much as building one to separate.

What can walls really do? They have not helped the victims of the last major tsunami... they give false sense of security as we can never be assured that our walls are thick enough, strong enough, or tall enough.

Whenever we face a wall, we can either stop, climb over it or break through the wall. Sitting on it will not do much as we may be at the higher ground but which ground can we make a difference in? The wall itself reflect the existence of two sides that are separated. Sitting on the wall reinforces the position of that wall.

Of all the walls, the walls of ignorance and bigoted truism may be the hardest to break and it exist in most of us...

Getting All Drained

I have been trying to figure out the reasons underlying my tiredness and headaches...

I reached one possible reason - my system is working on overdrive to sustain and maintain an acceptable composure to ensure that my anxieties are channeled appropriately and that my thoughts do not get into a spiral.

I realised that I have been able to have greater focus in my work, but couldn't figure out what is draining me out?

I do not have much space and time to allow lag time for my anxieties to be expended. No more time to warm-up or prep against a cold-start. Now, its up and go!

I feel the need to paint... it has become an urge... better get to it before it becomes an obsession...

I can see what's at work here... transference...

HOME

From Katharine McPhee:

Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
Home
You found home

From Daughtry:

I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

From Michael Buble:

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Who am I?

I thought that I had passed the crossroads. Then, I realised that I was still wallowing at the corner of the junction, stuck in a day dream or probably deluded by the rush of academic euphoria.

Suddenly, something hit my head. I looked up and saw that one of the signs had dropped. I wondered how that sign will fit to the post. Was it pointing to this way or that? I can't remember.

It was only yesterday that the signs were clear. I knew that it pointed to one possible path that I could take. Now that the sign has dropped, I could not figure out where the sign was pointing to. I am lost again! I can either guess where the direction is or take the lead from the rest that hangs on the post. Although I have not considered these destinations previously, they are more reassuring.

At least the direction is clear and I know where each path will lead me to. If only I took some time to remember the direction clearly, I would be stuck at the crossroads.

I've wallowed for too long. While I would want to curse and swear at the sign that dropped on my head or stomp on it, how could I? It was a good knock in the head.

I guess I am back to "Never good enough!" But this time, I'm too tired to prove them wrong! I'm tired of being moulded. I'm tired of meeting expectations. I'm tired... it's time to go HOME......

3 Strikes and You Are OUT!!????... huh???

I have had three major blows recently.

The first questioned my capacity to be part of an elite service.

The second questioned my years of service to the community.

The third questioned my insights, analysis and research capacities relevant to the academic field.

If this was a game, I have had three strikes and I should be OUT. Thankfully, that's not the case.

I have wrote in my previous entries about my need to re-assess my benchmarks. I will be doing so.

Frankly, I'm glad that I have these setbacks. The fact that I have not cracked despite these setbacks showed that I'm on track- I'm not OUT.

It's heartening to hear further encouragements from friends. Their stances may differ but I guess their objectives are clear. I hope to re-assure these good friends of mine that I am not disturbed by these setbacks. It only spurns me to be much better than anything else.

Then, I began thinking about my darling wife's reminder to me- "You can't be good in everything." I see lots of sense in those words.

I will be taking a back-seat for a while and build on things that I truly believe in and see value in its growth. I've learnt that accolades (including academic certification) need not be a motivation for inspiration, innovation and compassion. I will simply rely on my intuition, resolve and tenacity...

Empowered...but Breakaway!

I feel empowered today... somehow I see a different light in the morning sun.

A new day...what a cliche!

Anyway, I got some creative juices flowing this morning and managed the following lines:

BREAKAWAY

I want to breakaway

From the chains that bind

From the knotted twine

From the blinding sign

A sparkle I see

A twinkle of inspiration

A drop of speculation

A sunken frustration

What strengths have I

What will to draw

What drive to spur

What fuel to feed

A mind that anchors

A hand that ponders

A heart that whispers

A gut that squanders

I want to breakaway

From the moulds that grind

From the masked wine

From the deafening <...>

Sorry, another unfininshed piece...the juices leaked somewhere... eeek!

For the PRIZEor the RACE?

"Never good enough!" became "You're good, but still not good enough!"

It's an accomplishment but still something that I need to work at.

Growing up without much of a role model, I had to establish my own milestones and benchmarks.

My major milestones have been marked by my mother who chose not to identify them, but left it to my own devices and interpretations on what they were.

It was only recently that I understood my mom's need to set mysterious milestones for me. Having facilitated classes based on the Problem-Based Learning approach, I've seen how my life has been shaped by much of the problems that I faced, challenged and overcame. Reminds me of a creed I once recited.... "I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination..."

Back to the title of this entry... the Prize or the Race...

I seem to enjoy the journey and find that the Prize is too much of a bother and sometimes a distraction. I hate competitions and tend to wish for a win-win, everyone wins solutions. I had ranking as it emphasises one attribute or value above another. Hence, I find no pleasure in seeing LIFE as a race with a prize.

To me, its a journey worth stopping along the way to smell the roses!

Pushing the boundaries... again!

I've been pre-occupied with my new routine. Doing something that I enjoy most.

Once in a while, I hit a snag. I would want to give all my students good grades, but doing so will make my grades worth much less.

Anyway, I'm cracking again. Probably it's the 40th day ritual for my 'father' that is bugging me. It brings back all the happiness, frustrations and mostly disappointments as I grew up. At a vulnerable period such as this, I am not able to have one of the few things that can keep my system functioning at its peak.

I have a craving and it has become a need, a necessity. I am not able to forcibly have it, or get it from somewhere else. It has to be given with in its pure form. It has become a need, as without it, I will begin to crack. And now I'm cracking. If I don't get it soon, I will crack and there goes my new career.... and the vicious cycle continues.... success breeds success.... but failure (not here...there's no room for failures...) means the end!!!

What is the threshold?

I finally cracked last night. I was overwhelmed by grief.

It took me almost 12 days to finally realise that I have loss someone who has been an important feature of my life.

I cracked and realised that my threshold has been expanded to quite an extent.

I find it interesting to experience a re-learning of my experiences and having a deeper understanding of myself, especially in unravelling "Who am I?"

"What makes a man?" and "Who am I?" seem to be my pre-occupation these days. And I wonder "Why?"

What Makes a Man?

My 'father' once said that a man is one who has achieved the capacity to not only fend for himself, but also his parents, especially his mother. He should not start his own family until he can comfortably support his parents.

I saw through my 'father's' last rites today. He became my 'father' because he was responsible for financing my upbringing. Through his sponsorship, I managed to complete my education up to junior college. He stopped providing for me when I completed my A Levels as he felt that it was time for me to fend for myself.

I went through NS mostly on my own allowances, courtesy of the armed forces. Although I gained entry into a few universities in the UK, I could not afford fees, etc. Hence, I took a military scholarship, bu t it was my mother's tears which prevented me from leaving this island in 1993 to pursue a double degree in economics and geography at the University of Sheffield. In the end, I spent my undergraduate years at the local university.

In memory of my 'father' I shall again dedicate a space for him. May his generosity be remembered through my continued service to the community and more so about how the unknown gesture of a Man led to the development of a driven activist who hopes to make the world a better place.















Al Fateha....

What makes a man?

Some say, it takes money (the right amount) in order to make a man... to make a man who could rule and govern a nation to success. But what will be in that man, whose value is based on money which is arbitrary, virtual and highly dependent on how we perceive its value.

A friend once tore a currency note in front of me. I wondered, that money could buy me lunch. He says the note when torn into pieces had no value for its torn pieces unless they are attached together. Next, he showed me a piece of gold coin. He says that if he were to do the same to the coin, i.e. break it into pieces, each broken piece will continue to have its value. In that 'magic' show, he expressed the need to revert back to gold and silver forms of money so that the poor will not be affected by currency fluctuations and all their earnings will be worth their weight in gold.

From that anecdote I recall my mom's practice of buying gold bracelets which she will wear on the forearm. When the family income is good, she will have two rows of it on her left and right arms. When the family economy took a dive, she would pawnt he bracelets or sell them for cash. People like her resisted the financial markets in their own way. In the event of a crisis in which the value of currencies can take a nose dive, she still have her gold to make ends meet.

I should start investing in gold now... and if our leaders are worth their weight in gold, I wonder... What makes a man?

The Tip of the Iceberg?

Every time I have a bad cough that does not seem to go away after few days worries me. Since 2001, a bad cough is not a bad cough. Its a harbinger of possible relapse.

Historical precedence has shown such a relationship... i.e. bad cough could be psychosomatic ( a retired psychiatrist from the US with more than 25 years of practice has shared with me that he find no evidence to support the claims for psychosomatic responses... i.e. 1+1 is not equal to 2!)and is a sign that I have cracked and the inevitable is about to happen.

Historical precedence seem to govern much of our lives. We were 'taught' not to incite inter-ethnic differences as such actions will lead to riots. We were 'convinced' (really??!) that as citizens, we need to tighten our belt so that our future is secured... but today was yesterday's future and nothing seems to have launched into something wondrous!

Anyway, the folly of experience is the lack of wisdom to assess the validity of historical precedence. We tend to establish relationships among factors which appear obvious to us and conveniently 'forget' about other possibilities. Then, through the reinforcement of such relationships rather than a fresh assessment of events, we establish precedences... The same manner in which our body system evolves and we call this 'reflex'.

In my current predicament, is the bad cough the tip of the iceberg... the harbinger of possible relapse. What seems to be the root of the impending relapse if its to come? The last time I checked, it was a sense of betrayal.... Ok, why do I feel betrayed?.... Could not seem to find the root for the current build-up.

In dealing with A/PD (anxiety/panic disorder), it is always important to negotiate with the root issue. No medication or therapy can be meaningful without reaching into and bringing out for negotiation the root issue. I use 'negotiation' and stress upon it as an issue which have become one of the roots for A/PD are usually complex and cannot be resolved. It has to be negotiated.

Such issues are usually important and form the fundamental basis for a person's existence. (oops... wandering into the third person reference... begin to sound like someone I know...) Hence, it should not be removed but new meaning must be attached to such issues which can be described more as sentiments.... the emotional wiring...

I grew up facing several issues of loyalty at various levels and circumstances. My loyalty(s) have been questioned, tested, misinterpreted and misrepresented. And with loyalty is trust, confidence, sacrifice, service, compensation, recognition, perseverance, endeavour, compassion, passion, fervour, .... and the expected return- reciprocation. When this equation does not balance... it fires rage, anger, vengeance, anarchy... or in the Malay World- running amok... mengamuk...

Overcome The Pain, Moving On

(From http://www.homestead.com/robertgschwartz/page8.html)

I strained my heel during last Friday's game of badminton. It hurt over the weekend.

It slipped my mind to take jamu as preventive measure. I finally took my dose of jamu on Saturday and Sunday. The heel felt better today, but hurt when I attempted to add pressure to my feet.

As I had to spend whatever available time I have now for gym workouts and swims, I pushed myself to walk to the gym. Walking to the gym saves me transport cost and presents itself as a good warm-up so that I can immediately hit the routine when I arrived at the gym.

The walk was painful, but I had to push beyond the pain barrier so that other parts of my feet will not be overstrained as my body activates its compensation mechanism. As I walked on as per normal, the pain in the heel begin to subside and I gained strength from each full step I took without compensation to my overstrained heel.

Overcoming the initial pain allowed me to move on... in the similar manner that I've overcome the initial cold starts that had prevented me from getting out of bed and mellowing in the doldrums of depression and the high-strung jitters of anxiety.

This experience brings forth the question of "What is Pain?" Is it a warning, an inhibition or a precaution? To each situation, its own, and the power of the mind can make a difference. Is it fighting spirit that made me constantly push the barrier or has it been pure stupidity? It's a thin line, but what the heck... no pain no gain!

Dreams...

From http://www.mackaycartoons.net/

I started dreaming about a past/parrallel life.

I was putting on my boots again.

In my dream, I was talking to a group of students when I noticed a soldier getting out of a bus that was parked opposite where I was. Somehow, I felt the need to approach the soldier and I did. When I reached near the bus, I was given the usual salute and greetings from the soldier and he handed me a letter. I was supposed to be shipped somewhere and the soldiers in the bus are members of my new unit, to be placed under my command. I was only to be given less than a day to see my family for the last time before I will be shipped to some unknown location for an unknown period of time....then I woke up.

This dream bears similar features to the dreams I had when my disorder and ankle injury got the better of me. In one of the more unforgettable dreams, I was travelling in a chartered plane that was destined for an overseas training. Along the way, the plane crashed and I was among the survivors. Apparently the commander of the unit died in the crash and the remaining leader of the unit request that I become their new commander. Before I woke up, I could remember crying and shouting that I could no longer be a commander due to my condition. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Although it has been almost six years that I was a full-fledged officer, remnants of a sense of loss opportunities continue to 'haunt' me in my dreams. Usually, the appearance of such a dream signals to me an internal struggle dealing with uncertainty. In my mind, I have sought the sanctity of a secured past that was more certain. While I would be reminded of that lost opportunity in the past, now I see it as a warning of possible internal conflicts which may trigger another possible relapse.

The soldier in me fights on... "I overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination"...

Its Coming Back Again...

I have a GOOD start to 2007... having completed my much awaited thesis, prospects of a new profession, my programmes firmly established, get to enjoy a weekly badminton session, maintain a good frequency of workouts and swims, helping out to train a new school rugby team, secured a willing supervisor for my PhD....

But somehow, I could feel IT attempting to creep back into my life... I wake up with an unusual tinge of anxiety that appears to build up these past few days...

Although I feel that I am in much better control, with the workouts, games and swims, I could sense a cocktail of tinges of fear, anxiety and depression popping up now and then. I could whisk it away as fast as it came, but I kept wondering about how much I've been through and how much more should I be enduring THIS. It's getting tiresome and frankly, boring!

Similarly, I am getting numb with all these recent discussions about the budget... there was a forum again last night. I was occupied with another function to attend yet another cascade briefing rather than a FEEDBACK session on the latest Budget.

More than a decade of such interactions informed me that it's more of equipping the powers that be with more possible reactions to have excuses for... I'm still holding on the idea that the garmen has a book called "1001 Excuses for Effective Administration- A Guide Book for Public Administration". I am also waiting for the publication of the book- "How to get the most out of your citizens".