Getting into shape

I felt the urge to get back in shape.

Just when I was looking out for a solution, I became acquainted with someone who could provide the solution I need.

Now, it's time to put on my cross-trainers, hit the gym, the pool and manage my intake of carbs, proteins, sugar, etc....

now at 33% fat and 99kg...

Putting on bigger shoes

At a time when I am supposed to be making sense of my shoes, one of them may get bigger.

It's something that I have been prepared for and enthusiastic about putting them on.

It's something that will allow me to realise some of my aspirations for the community.

Should I put it on?

Tired of the Battles... Can I still win the war?

At this point, I'm tired of fighting.

One technique I used to overcome my anxieties, has been to suppress and numb my emotions. No emotions, no sadness, no frustration, no anxieties.

It makes me feel like a robot- something short of becoming less human.

One thing I learned from all my experiences is to be human. Often I heard of advises which tells me to do what is humanly possible. What is that?

We have gone to the moon, climbed the highest mountains, thought of great inventions... so, what is humanly possible.

Is it humanly possible to ever get out of this vicious cycle of relapse after relapse? No matter how much I've pushed the frequency of relapse, the reality is that, it will always be there.

It creeps and haunts,
it snickers and taunts.
In day and night,
In dark and light.

I thought of going away, and some say that it's not possible. Not humanly possible or not possible per se? Isn't it better to go away to some place and be able to return than to go to another place where it will be impossible to return.

As with the shoes, it may be best to send the shoes somewhere where you'll know that you'll get it back, than to throw it in the bin where you know it will end up in some incinerator somewhere.

K.P.I.s and KPIs

Last Fathers' Day, I received an SMS from my daughter, "Hi! Y so late? It's ur day n u spend ur day at work. Heh!"

I could sense her frustration and it got me thinking, especially in the following week when I conducted a Mid Year Review to assess our achievements in terms of K.P.I.s (Key Performance Indicators).

I realised that while we are often pre-occupied with our K.P.I.s we tend to forget our other KPI - Kinship-Priority-Index. How much have we placed emphasise on our kinship, especially our immediate family - my wife and three daughters?

Should all of us begin to have K-P-Is. Perhaps, when we move towards a model that emphasise work-life balance, we should include K-P-Is as part of our workplan. Staff should then be assessed on some basis of how they have balanced their life.

Economically, it would have some bearing as a good work-life balance should make employees healthier - mental, physical and emotional. Given that we are constantly conscious of providing holistic education that involves the cognitive, affective and behavorial domains, shouldn't we also emphasise health in such domains.

Not forgetting about shoes... shouldn't we think about the feet that wears them?

Which shoes should I discard?

I laid out my shoes today, evaluating its usefulness.

Are the soles strong enough for this one? How about the laces for that one? Is the other one too stiff? How about the insoles for the one in the corner? That last shoe looked old and worn, but it can still be good for another stretch.

So, which shoes should I discard? They all looked important to me.

Hmmm. Perhaps, that's the problem... the shoes are important to me. Am I important for those shoes? If I don't wear them anymore, how will it affect others who have been saying that they need me to wear those shoes... Hmmm... Should I be thinking about it? Or should I just throw all of them away.

Keep only those shoes that makes sense to me for the moment. Well, if only it's that simple... too many sentiments are attached to most of them.

S.H.O.E.S.

S. H. O. E. S.

Small Heaps Of Exotic Spices.

See How Others Engage Stress.

Some Hope On Endearing Souls.

Should Heaven Offer Entries Sparingly?

Sharing Happiness Overcomes Excessive Sadness

Taking Stock of My Shoes

It's been two years since I had my last relapse. Two very good years that saw me completing my thesis, starting a new career, and after a long time, a full-time job.

Life has been good and it could not have been better. I guess the soles of my shoes are more stable now. It should have been able to take the impacts of each step, giving me adequate rebounds to energise myself. However, the 'old' creature that used to haunt me started making appearances.

I tried to reflect on it and thought that it was a case of discarding a well-loved and meaningful shoe. A shoe that has not only served the community well but also won accolades - three at the institutional, national and international level.

Then, when it crept it stealthily in the past few weeks, I thought that it was another shoe that I chose not to wear. It was a gift from my mom and she had expected me to wear them. It seems as though she had prepared me all this while to put on that shoe. It would have been a life-changing and transformational experience if I had put on the shoe. I'm still thinking of it, though.

It always helps when we try to explain to others our complex situation. Panic disorder. What is that? Are you stressed? Are you facing difficulties? It's a disorder. It should not be reacting in an orderly way. In an orderly way, we should react when there is stress, threat, etc. It's a DISORDER - meaning that there should not be a reason for it.

It's due... and I have to face it again. How long will I have to face it? I've pushed it from a few months to two years now. Should I give up the fight now?

"I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination". With that, I will now tighten my boots and prepare for battle. While I've won several battles, I've yet to win the war.

The Purpose of "Shoes"

Of late, I have been wondering about the purpose of having several 'shoes'.

I realised that the constant conflict that I struggled with has been the lack of appreciating the purpose of having those 'shoes'.

It seems that in some instances, a few pairs were meant for seeking recognition. Another one or two pairs of shoes were driven by a need for achievement. While achievement could be gained through determination and some degree of sacrifices, recognition depends on how others respond to my achievements.

I have been struggling with a need for recognition and now realised that is has been the cause of my depressive mood swings and anxieties. Being clearer about my purpose for each task I undertake and redefining my source of motivation has made me fit into some of my shoes much better.

It will be tough and it will take lots of meditation and focus in changing my source of motivation.

A New Balance

When it comes to shoes, my choices are very limited.

The problems I faced with my frequent ankle sprains and sore feet since 1997 may have changed the physiology of my feet and ankles.

Since 1997, my shoes have to be comfortable.

My life took a turn in 2001, and I have yet to fit into any of my "shoes" comfortably. I have experimented with different roles, identity and aspirations. So far, none seems more comforting than those "shoes" that I would wear to accompany someone else on their journey.

I had a recurrent dream when I was about 5. In this dream, I was wearing slippers which would make a particular noise with each step I took. All I could recall was picking up sticks as I moved towards a huge door that was fiery red. The door must have been huge as it could be seen from very far away.

Aside from the path I had to tread on while picking up sticks, and the door, there was nothing else but darkness and emptiness.

The only other thing I noticed was another person that seems to be competing with me in this 'race' that I have no knowledge of. As I increased my pace, this other person would do the same. When I slowed down, this person would overtake me.

In this dream, I would try as best as I could to keep ahead of this other person.

After a long journey and tirelessly picking up sticks, I reached the door that was at the end of the path. The door was enormous and it was difficult to gauge its actual height. On this fiery red door, the face of something was carved. Leading up to the door were a stairway that led first to a cauldron before we reach the foot of the door.

As I look up when the door was opening, I could see light from the other side. As I stood in awe of the sight, I turned to see the other person that was competing with me. In that instance, I saw 'me' and we were both equally shocked... it was at this moment that I would wake up screaming or with a fright...

At times, the only other competitor in our 'race' is our other 'self'. Have a new balance in life, so that we would not unnecessarily compete with our own 'selves'... we should collaborate instead.

Crossroads

I begin to wonder about three types of people:

1. Those who hold the fort selflessly and do the things that mattered but received no glory.
2. Those who appear to hold the fort, excel for personal gains and clamoured for glory.
3. Those who do not appear to hold the fort, do not seem to excel and yet, are fundamental factors of change.

Somehow all three types are important for the sustainability and progress of any community. Someone has to excel in the fundamental areas, while others need to focus on how to manage and negotiate change.

The best of Eid...

I had about three-quarter of a day celebrating Eid ul-Fitr - a day to mark the end of the fasting month and a triumph over my nafs - 'desires'.

For the rest of the day, up to this Monday morning, I had to spend my time in bed - to let my feet heal and to calm my nerves. Celebrations seem to overwhelm my senses and I tend to 'crack'. It does not help when a group of relatives decide to pay a visit. It was too overwhelming and I could not leave my room. I wonder if the same will occur when I 'open' my home to my friends and students this coming weekend. If I cracked, what will I do?

When I should have panicked....

I met with a "near-accident" when the taxi I was in skidded while turning into the expressway where most cars would be accelerating to enter.

As the taxi drifted with the skillful defensive driving by the driver, I was bracing myself for a possible impact, establishing instantaneous appreciation of the situation, praying that my family will be taken care of if something happens to me, observing the actions of the driver and saying what could possibly be my last prayer...

...the taxi stabilised and stopped as oncoming vehicles reacted, slowed down and stopped in time.

Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I wasn't anxious and reacted as though nothing happened. When I reached my home, my heart didn't plunge, my knees didn't fumble, my hands didn't tremble and I was very very calm. My system is really haywired!!! I didn't panic when I should, and panicked when I shouldn't...

...and I'm still calm and the only anxiety I feel is from my struggles to give a fair grade to my students - the soldier says,"If they don't meet the standard...they won't get the grade!"; my mentor says,"We need to ensure that they are aware of the rationale behind their grades and we should find ways to encourage them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt won't hurt"; and my conformist says, "stick to the curve...stick to the curve!"

At least, it makes me feel like I'm in the battlefield again! This time the enemies are 'ignorance' and indifference; the objective is 'learning'; and the weapon is my heart.

Long, long time...

Its' been a while since I last made an entry.

I have managed to occupy most of my life with work (not really work as I nejoy them) and initiating new projects.

I was tracked to be emplaced on a full-time work scheme and it met with a glitch. Surprisingly, I managed to prevent a possible crack from becoming a major problem for me.

It's purification time again and as I fast, I need to reflect upon how I have led my life.

I feel that I am still at the cross-roads and my values in life have persevered despite the numerous challenges that I faced.

Perseverance is a virtue that has been constantly re-affirmed with the progress that I've made. An idea that has lingered in my mind for many years now have found its grounding in my latest project - a leadership programme to provide adequate youth leadership to initiate and manage activities for their peers within a constituency.

I'm glad that three other persons with adequate leadership experiences have agreed to form the main committee to see through the implementation of this project.

I'm still having difficulty breathing due to an increased level of anxiety. However, I feel different and now it seems easier to bring the level down to a comfortable level.

Meaning of Memories

When we think of those we love, what are our memories?

Do we think of them in our happy moments together, or when we overcome trials and tribulations?

What memories makes us love?

We wake up each day with only the memories of our past and a continuous appreciation of our present. We make decisions that will form our future.

At the moment of the present, what makes us love someone?

What memories make us love?

Night Assault

Out of a sudden, I experienced an pre-cursor to an attack.

I wondered about the triggers and made no sense of it as yet.

There are a number of possibilities and I will take my time to sort it out. It is more important for me to be ready for classes this morning. I can't develop the insecurity or fear of leaving home.

As I write, my heart rate is picking up and I have slight difficulty in breathing.

Let's see how it goes today....

Walls Have Ears and Much More....

I was thinking about building bridges. Then my thoughts get walled up... he he I started to think about walls.

What's with walls? We build them to either keep people out or in. We build them to keep us safe or keep us form harm. Psychologically, walls give us a sense of security.

In a city I visited, the wealthier the residents, the higher the walls of a housing complex. Here, condominiums have walls while our public housings do not.

Some places express their "open culture" by not having walls.

We have broken down walls as much as building one to separate.

What can walls really do? They have not helped the victims of the last major tsunami... they give false sense of security as we can never be assured that our walls are thick enough, strong enough, or tall enough.

Whenever we face a wall, we can either stop, climb over it or break through the wall. Sitting on it will not do much as we may be at the higher ground but which ground can we make a difference in? The wall itself reflect the existence of two sides that are separated. Sitting on the wall reinforces the position of that wall.

Of all the walls, the walls of ignorance and bigoted truism may be the hardest to break and it exist in most of us...

Getting All Drained

I have been trying to figure out the reasons underlying my tiredness and headaches...

I reached one possible reason - my system is working on overdrive to sustain and maintain an acceptable composure to ensure that my anxieties are channeled appropriately and that my thoughts do not get into a spiral.

I realised that I have been able to have greater focus in my work, but couldn't figure out what is draining me out?

I do not have much space and time to allow lag time for my anxieties to be expended. No more time to warm-up or prep against a cold-start. Now, its up and go!

I feel the need to paint... it has become an urge... better get to it before it becomes an obsession...

I can see what's at work here... transference...

HOME

From Katharine McPhee:

Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
Home
You found home

From Daughtry:

I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

From Michael Buble:

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Who am I?

I thought that I had passed the crossroads. Then, I realised that I was still wallowing at the corner of the junction, stuck in a day dream or probably deluded by the rush of academic euphoria.

Suddenly, something hit my head. I looked up and saw that one of the signs had dropped. I wondered how that sign will fit to the post. Was it pointing to this way or that? I can't remember.

It was only yesterday that the signs were clear. I knew that it pointed to one possible path that I could take. Now that the sign has dropped, I could not figure out where the sign was pointing to. I am lost again! I can either guess where the direction is or take the lead from the rest that hangs on the post. Although I have not considered these destinations previously, they are more reassuring.

At least the direction is clear and I know where each path will lead me to. If only I took some time to remember the direction clearly, I would be stuck at the crossroads.

I've wallowed for too long. While I would want to curse and swear at the sign that dropped on my head or stomp on it, how could I? It was a good knock in the head.

I guess I am back to "Never good enough!" But this time, I'm too tired to prove them wrong! I'm tired of being moulded. I'm tired of meeting expectations. I'm tired... it's time to go HOME......

3 Strikes and You Are OUT!!????... huh???

I have had three major blows recently.

The first questioned my capacity to be part of an elite service.

The second questioned my years of service to the community.

The third questioned my insights, analysis and research capacities relevant to the academic field.

If this was a game, I have had three strikes and I should be OUT. Thankfully, that's not the case.

I have wrote in my previous entries about my need to re-assess my benchmarks. I will be doing so.

Frankly, I'm glad that I have these setbacks. The fact that I have not cracked despite these setbacks showed that I'm on track- I'm not OUT.

It's heartening to hear further encouragements from friends. Their stances may differ but I guess their objectives are clear. I hope to re-assure these good friends of mine that I am not disturbed by these setbacks. It only spurns me to be much better than anything else.

Then, I began thinking about my darling wife's reminder to me- "You can't be good in everything." I see lots of sense in those words.

I will be taking a back-seat for a while and build on things that I truly believe in and see value in its growth. I've learnt that accolades (including academic certification) need not be a motivation for inspiration, innovation and compassion. I will simply rely on my intuition, resolve and tenacity...