It has been an amazing few months when there were a few coincidences that occurred within such a period of time.
I had been wanting to help a school for kids who have been labelled as "not academically inclined", and I will meet a friend soon to discuss how best I can contribute to helping these kids. Frankly, its about empowering them and facilitating their own self-motivation. I can't help them, only they can help themselves.
I had been feeling the need to expand my programmes to another madrasah, and soon, God willing, I will be in discussion with another madrasah.
I had been wondering about my capacity to write in Malay and present it in a conference. In two weeks' time I will be in Brunei to present a paper in Malay.
I had been curious about a national mentoring conference, and on 21 November, I will be co-facilitating a workshop on mentoring programmes.
I had been asking about my future pathway, and I was presented with two opportunities - one to give a talk at an established research institution and another to supervise two theses on cultural preservation. I took the latter and still pondering on the former. Coincidentally, the two theses are about preservation of cultural heritage - something that I have wanted to do for a PhD. Now, I will venture into the field again.
These coincidental opportunities do not come without challenges. I will be going for a second interview for a post I applied for about two months ago. This opportunity comes with a full-time position and a more stable income. However, I may have to postpone my venture into the field of cultural heritage preservation.
I asked, God gives and also challenges. What do I do?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Monster In Me
When we were young, we hear stories about monsters.
Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.
Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.
The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.
I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.
I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.
I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.
I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?
Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.
Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.
The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.
I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.
I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.
I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.
I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Timely Return
It has been quite some time since my last post.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Volunteerism and Collaboration - A Panacea for Difficult Times?
As we brace for the effects of the economic downturn, the motivation for volunteerism will be more crucial than ever. Volunteerism has been defined as "the policy or practice of volunteering one's time or talents for charitable, educational, or other worthwhile activities, esp. in one's community"; as well as the "use of or reliance on volunteers, especially to perform social or educational work in communities".
Having been a volunteer with the Malay Youth Literary Association (4PM) since 1989, this year will mark my 20th year in service. Towards the end of 2008, I had planned to focus on my own personal and professional development from 2009, but the impending effects of the economic climate has made me review my own decision; and remain committed to volunteerism.
In times like this, one of the cost factors that could easily be removed will be manpower or HR costs. In support of our children's education, complimentary (or free) tuition and other forms of learning support could help ensure that our children's future remain promising. 4PM was formed in the initial years for such a purpose - to help families cope with the demands of education at minimal costs. Our years of providing affordable tuition and learning support classes to complement and supplement a student's formal education in school will continue despite the economic climate. Now, we find it more pertinent to enhance and ensure greater efficiency so as to make the best of the limited funds that we have.
As the transfer of knowledge and skills can actually be at very minimal cost, nothing - short of a trainers' or educators' need for his/her own economic sustenance - could prevent such a thing from continuing. Of course, the need for materials and equipment will be equally important. Hence, voluntary services in the areas of education and training can actually help to defray costs significantly. Every savings in terms of trainers' and educators' fees will mean that more money can be set aside for materials and equipment.
Another cost to education and training that could be easily reduced will be the cost of facility rental - i.e. the use of space to conduct such programmes for training and learning support. One of the main challenge that I faced in the past was to find an affordable training room to conduct a low-cost Learning Facilitation Programme for students. While I could volunteer my services and reduce material costs, the cost of renting a space remains one of a my main problem.
Another cost that will be a burden of some sort has been transport cost. While any volunteer can forgo a meal or expend their time, without much support with transport cost, the extent to which the volunteer could travel to provide his/her services can be greatly reduced. Hence, one of the challenge I face currently in an attempt to coordinate a Javanese Language Cost for members of the Javanese Singaporeans Facebook group will be to find an affordable training venue and
I created the Learning Facilitation Programme (LFP) in 2003 based on my earlier years of providing complimentary learning support to relatives and students from my wife's school when she was teaching. Every Saturday, I would conduct a session from about 2.00 pm in the afternoon to about 6.00 pm in the evening. These sessions taught me one very important lesson - that equipping students with the necessary attitude, motivation, knowledge and skills about themselves and their learning can reap much better results in the long run.
One of the things that will always change will be the academic curriculum and the contents that students learn. One of the things that will never change will be the need for each of us to develop a learning capacity that will be adaptive to the changes in how we learn, unlearn and relearn new knowledge and skills. Hence, LFP was deisgned to help students develop their unique learning capacities from young so that they are much better prepared to be self-directed and collaborative learners. An important aspect of LFP has been the maintenance of a three-tiered level of enquiry - i.e. self, peer and facilitator.
Given my belief in such a process-based learning programme, I could easily adapt myself to the pedagogical approach advocated at my current workplace - Republic Polytechnic (RP). At RP, teachers are called facilitators; and our main aim has been to facilitate students' motivation for self-directed and collaborative learning on a daily basis. As the emphasis will be on the process of learning rather than the acquisition of knowledge content, one of the hopes will be for students to develop the necessary learning skills and attitude that will help them cope with the process of learning, unlearning and relearning.
In these difficult times, the services of volunteers in providing supplementary and complementary learning support and facilitation programmes can help reduce overall costs of education. Collaboration by transport providers and venue owners in reducing transport and rental costs can make it lesser of a financial burden for volunteers and further reduce costs of running such programmes. Ultimately, when students are equipped with the necessary tools, attitude, skills and knowledge for effective self-directed and collaborative learning, they should be able to cope with the challenges of education without need for supplementary support - i.e. becoming autodidactic. Hence, I will be much more motivated than ever to be more active in running LFPs and its like in these difficult times; as well as continuing to be a volunteer.
Having been a volunteer with the Malay Youth Literary Association (4PM) since 1989, this year will mark my 20th year in service. Towards the end of 2008, I had planned to focus on my own personal and professional development from 2009, but the impending effects of the economic climate has made me review my own decision; and remain committed to volunteerism.
In times like this, one of the cost factors that could easily be removed will be manpower or HR costs. In support of our children's education, complimentary (or free) tuition and other forms of learning support could help ensure that our children's future remain promising. 4PM was formed in the initial years for such a purpose - to help families cope with the demands of education at minimal costs. Our years of providing affordable tuition and learning support classes to complement and supplement a student's formal education in school will continue despite the economic climate. Now, we find it more pertinent to enhance and ensure greater efficiency so as to make the best of the limited funds that we have.
As the transfer of knowledge and skills can actually be at very minimal cost, nothing - short of a trainers' or educators' need for his/her own economic sustenance - could prevent such a thing from continuing. Of course, the need for materials and equipment will be equally important. Hence, voluntary services in the areas of education and training can actually help to defray costs significantly. Every savings in terms of trainers' and educators' fees will mean that more money can be set aside for materials and equipment.
Another cost to education and training that could be easily reduced will be the cost of facility rental - i.e. the use of space to conduct such programmes for training and learning support. One of the main challenge that I faced in the past was to find an affordable training room to conduct a low-cost Learning Facilitation Programme for students. While I could volunteer my services and reduce material costs, the cost of renting a space remains one of a my main problem.
Another cost that will be a burden of some sort has been transport cost. While any volunteer can forgo a meal or expend their time, without much support with transport cost, the extent to which the volunteer could travel to provide his/her services can be greatly reduced. Hence, one of the challenge I face currently in an attempt to coordinate a Javanese Language Cost for members of the Javanese Singaporeans Facebook group will be to find an affordable training venue and
I created the Learning Facilitation Programme (LFP) in 2003 based on my earlier years of providing complimentary learning support to relatives and students from my wife's school when she was teaching. Every Saturday, I would conduct a session from about 2.00 pm in the afternoon to about 6.00 pm in the evening. These sessions taught me one very important lesson - that equipping students with the necessary attitude, motivation, knowledge and skills about themselves and their learning can reap much better results in the long run.
One of the things that will always change will be the academic curriculum and the contents that students learn. One of the things that will never change will be the need for each of us to develop a learning capacity that will be adaptive to the changes in how we learn, unlearn and relearn new knowledge and skills. Hence, LFP was deisgned to help students develop their unique learning capacities from young so that they are much better prepared to be self-directed and collaborative learners. An important aspect of LFP has been the maintenance of a three-tiered level of enquiry - i.e. self, peer and facilitator.
Given my belief in such a process-based learning programme, I could easily adapt myself to the pedagogical approach advocated at my current workplace - Republic Polytechnic (RP). At RP, teachers are called facilitators; and our main aim has been to facilitate students' motivation for self-directed and collaborative learning on a daily basis. As the emphasis will be on the process of learning rather than the acquisition of knowledge content, one of the hopes will be for students to develop the necessary learning skills and attitude that will help them cope with the process of learning, unlearning and relearning.
In these difficult times, the services of volunteers in providing supplementary and complementary learning support and facilitation programmes can help reduce overall costs of education. Collaboration by transport providers and venue owners in reducing transport and rental costs can make it lesser of a financial burden for volunteers and further reduce costs of running such programmes. Ultimately, when students are equipped with the necessary tools, attitude, skills and knowledge for effective self-directed and collaborative learning, they should be able to cope with the challenges of education without need for supplementary support - i.e. becoming autodidactic. Hence, I will be much more motivated than ever to be more active in running LFPs and its like in these difficult times; as well as continuing to be a volunteer.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Work-Life Balance or LIFE-work Imbalance?
In the search and 'acquisition' of talent globally, organisations have embarked on improving their employee value proposition, in addition to appreciating their employees as human capital and human investment, rather than human resource.
Part of the latest trend has been the promotion of 'work-life' balance.
While work-life balance may appear to be a structural and even psychological construct of how employees could be facilitated to have both 'work' and 'life'; it also possess an underlying problem with respect to our understanding of 'work' and 'life'.
Firstly, the first impression that one gets will be the separation between work and life that needs to be balanced. In this perspective, it implies that we have to divide ourselves between 'work' and 'life' such that we have a balance. In any balance, it is implied that we apportion equal 'weights' to our 'work' and 'life'. But what if, our 'life' is so much more than our 'work'? Or our 'life' is our 'work'? Or our 'work' is our 'life'?
The current efforts in providing employees with 'work-life' balance has been to ensure that our 'work' does not become our 'life'. It seems to imply that you need more than 'work' to have a 'life' - you need to have something to think about, to care for, to collaborate with, 'outside office hours'. The current efforts have yet to address nor accommodate those who has set their 'life' as 'work' in the sense that we 'work' towards obtaining and achieving a fulfilling 'life' - i.e. 'work' only if it gives meaning to your 'life'.
Secondly, the term 'work-life balance' has placed 'work' in front of 'life', thereby giving priority to 'work' - the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) and Critical Success Factors (CSFs) - that drives our motivation and economic sustenance. While we may structurally divide our time between 'work' and 'life', our minds and concerns may continue to focus on our 'work' at either the conscious or sub-conscious level. Given that we are living in an information and communication age, there has been limited barriers to allow us to continue 'work'-ing, even when we are supposedly meant to be 'li[fe']-ving.
Since early last year, I have thought about another KPI (Kinship Priority Index) which will provide us a better sense of how we manage our 'work-life' balance. I sensed that we can truly claim to have achieved the balance when we are clear about ways in which we manage our KP Index. If we constantly place other aspects of our lives - especially with those who we are meant to care about (our kins) - below that of our 'work', we have yet to attain a balance.
Personally, my life is much more than my work. 'Outside office hours', I have volunteered my services toward youth development as a mentor, advisor and chairperson; as well as apportioned some time for National Service as a soldier and commander; and some time to preserve and promote traditional knowledge as a researcher and interpretor. This is above my duties as a father, son, husband, brother, uncle, nephew, grand-uncle and grand-son.
With such a life, I will definitely not achieve a 'work-life' balance. I will definitely not achieve the KPIs and possess the CSFs for my organisation, for I 'work' for my 'life' which is much more than my 'work'. Perhaps, a LIFE-work imbalance. The only problem I have is that no one will pay me for such a LIFE, and hence, I have to work.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Roller Coasters
I am not a fan of roller-coasters. I had my first ride when I was in primary school at the Wonderland Amusement Park in Kallang.
Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.
As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.
Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.
The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.
It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.
I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.
Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.
As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.
Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.
The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.
It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.
I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Panthers Mauled by Tigers
It has been a fruitful In Camp Training. I achieved all my learning objectives and realised that things that grew with me stayed with me. All it took was the appropriate triggers to fire my synapses. Seemingly complex operations and procedures became second nature.
My synapses must have been fired vigorously as my thinking framework has changed and my perceptiveness has improved. My cognitive senses have become heightened and I gained an increased awareness and appreciation of situation.
I feel more confident and I could control my anxieties much better.
I'm happy for this and grateful to the Almighty for such gift - the best birthday present to date!!!
My synapses must have been fired vigorously as my thinking framework has changed and my perceptiveness has improved. My cognitive senses have become heightened and I gained an increased awareness and appreciation of situation.
I feel more confident and I could control my anxieties much better.
I'm happy for this and grateful to the Almighty for such gift - the best birthday present to date!!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Harbinger of Unhappiness?
I was saddened by the stiffness and pain of my right leg, from my lower thigh to my upper calf. There was sharp pain and restricted mobility. I could not stretch my leg fully.: (
It must have been caused by extensive walking over the weekend and carrying a heavy load up three flights of stairs.
Now, I'm walking with a cane and a limp. I'm very drowsy from the jamu that I have consumed to speed up the recovery rate and prevent the build up or fluid in the affected area.
How will I cope with my In-Camp Training this week?
Whenever I have a physical condition, like this pain in my leg, I have to assess the possibilities for psychosomatic responses to certain triggers for my anxiety. Is this condition a sign of unhappiness that I'm encountering at work? What am I unhappy about?
Though, I have created a list of "What makes me happy here?", deep inside I know that I am not comfortable in being constraint; have my wings clipped and my ideas stifled. Should I take the risk in this uncertain times to make it on my own again? How should I go about making such decisions? Reflect, review, reorganise and respond - the 4Rs for those in cross-roads. I've been in so many cross-roads that I should be an expert by now.
It must have been caused by extensive walking over the weekend and carrying a heavy load up three flights of stairs.
Now, I'm walking with a cane and a limp. I'm very drowsy from the jamu that I have consumed to speed up the recovery rate and prevent the build up or fluid in the affected area.
How will I cope with my In-Camp Training this week?
Whenever I have a physical condition, like this pain in my leg, I have to assess the possibilities for psychosomatic responses to certain triggers for my anxiety. Is this condition a sign of unhappiness that I'm encountering at work? What am I unhappy about?
Though, I have created a list of "What makes me happy here?", deep inside I know that I am not comfortable in being constraint; have my wings clipped and my ideas stifled. Should I take the risk in this uncertain times to make it on my own again? How should I go about making such decisions? Reflect, review, reorganise and respond - the 4Rs for those in cross-roads. I've been in so many cross-roads that I should be an expert by now.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Finding comfort in completion
In my fulfilling our of my academic duties, I begin to realise that I have been anxious about completing a project or task.
Now, I am reflecting on my anxiety about completion as well as my probable fear in feeling redundant. Perhaps, when I could resolve the basis of such anxieties, I may be able to change my inclinations toward procrastination.
Now, I am reflecting on my anxiety about completion as well as my probable fear in feeling redundant. Perhaps, when I could resolve the basis of such anxieties, I may be able to change my inclinations toward procrastination.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Tightening my laces...
I have yet to put in place my plan to get back in shape. I am looking forward to feeling healthier and lighter.
As I've had a few close encounters with my anxieties this year, I began to reflect on my capacities... I've been doing the same basic thing for the past one and half years - something much longer than I'm used to.
I feel free somehow with the final submission of my thesis... a weight off my conscience.
I feel more motivated to clear my boxes and reminiscing the past through each paper I shred - my way of saying, "Let's move on...".
I may have been caught in the same complexities at work and it's recalling negative experiences... How should I deal with this, now?
I feel the urge to move, to explore something new again... something which has more promise... uncertainties abound and it troubles me when I do not have much control. I've made my achievements based on intuition and regretted some decisions which did not lead to an excellent outcome - the constant sense of "Not good enough! It could have been better!".
As I've had a few close encounters with my anxieties this year, I began to reflect on my capacities... I've been doing the same basic thing for the past one and half years - something much longer than I'm used to.
I feel free somehow with the final submission of my thesis... a weight off my conscience.
I feel more motivated to clear my boxes and reminiscing the past through each paper I shred - my way of saying, "Let's move on...".
I may have been caught in the same complexities at work and it's recalling negative experiences... How should I deal with this, now?
I feel the urge to move, to explore something new again... something which has more promise... uncertainties abound and it troubles me when I do not have much control. I've made my achievements based on intuition and regretted some decisions which did not lead to an excellent outcome - the constant sense of "Not good enough! It could have been better!".
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Getting into shape
I felt the urge to get back in shape.
Just when I was looking out for a solution, I became acquainted with someone who could provide the solution I need.
Now, it's time to put on my cross-trainers, hit the gym, the pool and manage my intake of carbs, proteins, sugar, etc....
now at 33% fat and 99kg...
Just when I was looking out for a solution, I became acquainted with someone who could provide the solution I need.
Now, it's time to put on my cross-trainers, hit the gym, the pool and manage my intake of carbs, proteins, sugar, etc....
now at 33% fat and 99kg...
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Putting on bigger shoes
At a time when I am supposed to be making sense of my shoes, one of them may get bigger.
It's something that I have been prepared for and enthusiastic about putting them on.
It's something that will allow me to realise some of my aspirations for the community.
Should I put it on?
It's something that I have been prepared for and enthusiastic about putting them on.
It's something that will allow me to realise some of my aspirations for the community.
Should I put it on?
Monday, July 07, 2008
Tired of the Battles... Can I still win the war?
At this point, I'm tired of fighting.
One technique I used to overcome my anxieties, has been to suppress and numb my emotions. No emotions, no sadness, no frustration, no anxieties.
It makes me feel like a robot- something short of becoming less human.
One thing I learned from all my experiences is to be human. Often I heard of advises which tells me to do what is humanly possible. What is that?
We have gone to the moon, climbed the highest mountains, thought of great inventions... so, what is humanly possible.
Is it humanly possible to ever get out of this vicious cycle of relapse after relapse? No matter how much I've pushed the frequency of relapse, the reality is that, it will always be there.
I thought of going away, and some say that it's not possible. Not humanly possible or not possible per se? Isn't it better to go away to some place and be able to return than to go to another place where it will be impossible to return.
As with the shoes, it may be best to send the shoes somewhere where you'll know that you'll get it back, than to throw it in the bin where you know it will end up in some incinerator somewhere.
One technique I used to overcome my anxieties, has been to suppress and numb my emotions. No emotions, no sadness, no frustration, no anxieties.
It makes me feel like a robot- something short of becoming less human.
One thing I learned from all my experiences is to be human. Often I heard of advises which tells me to do what is humanly possible. What is that?
We have gone to the moon, climbed the highest mountains, thought of great inventions... so, what is humanly possible.
Is it humanly possible to ever get out of this vicious cycle of relapse after relapse? No matter how much I've pushed the frequency of relapse, the reality is that, it will always be there.
It creeps and haunts,
it snickers and taunts.
In day and night,
In dark and light.
I thought of going away, and some say that it's not possible. Not humanly possible or not possible per se? Isn't it better to go away to some place and be able to return than to go to another place where it will be impossible to return.
As with the shoes, it may be best to send the shoes somewhere where you'll know that you'll get it back, than to throw it in the bin where you know it will end up in some incinerator somewhere.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
K.P.I.s and KPIs
Last Fathers' Day, I received an SMS from my daughter, "Hi! Y so late? It's ur day n u spend ur day at work. Heh!"
I could sense her frustration and it got me thinking, especially in the following week when I conducted a Mid Year Review to assess our achievements in terms of K.P.I.s (Key Performance Indicators).
I realised that while we are often pre-occupied with our K.P.I.s we tend to forget our other KPI - Kinship-Priority-Index. How much have we placed emphasise on our kinship, especially our immediate family - my wife and three daughters?
Should all of us begin to have K-P-Is. Perhaps, when we move towards a model that emphasise work-life balance, we should include K-P-Is as part of our workplan. Staff should then be assessed on some basis of how they have balanced their life.
Economically, it would have some bearing as a good work-life balance should make employees healthier - mental, physical and emotional. Given that we are constantly conscious of providing holistic education that involves the cognitive, affective and behavorial domains, shouldn't we also emphasise health in such domains.
Not forgetting about shoes... shouldn't we think about the feet that wears them?
I could sense her frustration and it got me thinking, especially in the following week when I conducted a Mid Year Review to assess our achievements in terms of K.P.I.s (Key Performance Indicators).
I realised that while we are often pre-occupied with our K.P.I.s we tend to forget our other KPI - Kinship-Priority-Index. How much have we placed emphasise on our kinship, especially our immediate family - my wife and three daughters?
Should all of us begin to have K-P-Is. Perhaps, when we move towards a model that emphasise work-life balance, we should include K-P-Is as part of our workplan. Staff should then be assessed on some basis of how they have balanced their life.
Economically, it would have some bearing as a good work-life balance should make employees healthier - mental, physical and emotional. Given that we are constantly conscious of providing holistic education that involves the cognitive, affective and behavorial domains, shouldn't we also emphasise health in such domains.
Not forgetting about shoes... shouldn't we think about the feet that wears them?
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Which shoes should I discard?
I laid out my shoes today, evaluating its usefulness.
Are the soles strong enough for this one? How about the laces for that one? Is the other one too stiff? How about the insoles for the one in the corner? That last shoe looked old and worn, but it can still be good for another stretch.
So, which shoes should I discard? They all looked important to me.
Hmmm. Perhaps, that's the problem... the shoes are important to me. Am I important for those shoes? If I don't wear them anymore, how will it affect others who have been saying that they need me to wear those shoes... Hmmm... Should I be thinking about it? Or should I just throw all of them away.
Keep only those shoes that makes sense to me for the moment. Well, if only it's that simple... too many sentiments are attached to most of them.
Are the soles strong enough for this one? How about the laces for that one? Is the other one too stiff? How about the insoles for the one in the corner? That last shoe looked old and worn, but it can still be good for another stretch.
So, which shoes should I discard? They all looked important to me.
Hmmm. Perhaps, that's the problem... the shoes are important to me. Am I important for those shoes? If I don't wear them anymore, how will it affect others who have been saying that they need me to wear those shoes... Hmmm... Should I be thinking about it? Or should I just throw all of them away.
Keep only those shoes that makes sense to me for the moment. Well, if only it's that simple... too many sentiments are attached to most of them.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
S.H.O.E.S.
S. H. O. E. S.
Small Heaps Of Exotic Spices.
See How Others Engage Stress.
Some Hope On Endearing Souls.
Should Heaven Offer Entries Sparingly?
Sharing Happiness Overcomes Excessive Sadness
Small Heaps Of Exotic Spices.
See How Others Engage Stress.
Some Hope On Endearing Souls.
Should Heaven Offer Entries Sparingly?
Sharing Happiness Overcomes Excessive Sadness
Taking Stock of My Shoes
It's been two years since I had my last relapse. Two very good years that saw me completing my thesis, starting a new career, and after a long time, a full-time job.
Life has been good and it could not have been better. I guess the soles of my shoes are more stable now. It should have been able to take the impacts of each step, giving me adequate rebounds to energise myself. However, the 'old' creature that used to haunt me started making appearances.
I tried to reflect on it and thought that it was a case of discarding a well-loved and meaningful shoe. A shoe that has not only served the community well but also won accolades - three at the institutional, national and international level.
Then, when it crept it stealthily in the past few weeks, I thought that it was another shoe that I chose not to wear. It was a gift from my mom and she had expected me to wear them. It seems as though she had prepared me all this while to put on that shoe. It would have been a life-changing and transformational experience if I had put on the shoe. I'm still thinking of it, though.
It always helps when we try to explain to others our complex situation. Panic disorder. What is that? Are you stressed? Are you facing difficulties? It's a disorder. It should not be reacting in an orderly way. In an orderly way, we should react when there is stress, threat, etc. It's a DISORDER - meaning that there should not be a reason for it.
It's due... and I have to face it again. How long will I have to face it? I've pushed it from a few months to two years now. Should I give up the fight now?
"I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination". With that, I will now tighten my boots and prepare for battle. While I've won several battles, I've yet to win the war.
Life has been good and it could not have been better. I guess the soles of my shoes are more stable now. It should have been able to take the impacts of each step, giving me adequate rebounds to energise myself. However, the 'old' creature that used to haunt me started making appearances.
I tried to reflect on it and thought that it was a case of discarding a well-loved and meaningful shoe. A shoe that has not only served the community well but also won accolades - three at the institutional, national and international level.
Then, when it crept it stealthily in the past few weeks, I thought that it was another shoe that I chose not to wear. It was a gift from my mom and she had expected me to wear them. It seems as though she had prepared me all this while to put on that shoe. It would have been a life-changing and transformational experience if I had put on the shoe. I'm still thinking of it, though.
It always helps when we try to explain to others our complex situation. Panic disorder. What is that? Are you stressed? Are you facing difficulties? It's a disorder. It should not be reacting in an orderly way. In an orderly way, we should react when there is stress, threat, etc. It's a DISORDER - meaning that there should not be a reason for it.
It's due... and I have to face it again. How long will I have to face it? I've pushed it from a few months to two years now. Should I give up the fight now?
"I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination". With that, I will now tighten my boots and prepare for battle. While I've won several battles, I've yet to win the war.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
The Purpose of "Shoes"
Of late, I have been wondering about the purpose of having several 'shoes'.
I realised that the constant conflict that I struggled with has been the lack of appreciating the purpose of having those 'shoes'.
It seems that in some instances, a few pairs were meant for seeking recognition. Another one or two pairs of shoes were driven by a need for achievement. While achievement could be gained through determination and some degree of sacrifices, recognition depends on how others respond to my achievements.
I have been struggling with a need for recognition and now realised that is has been the cause of my depressive mood swings and anxieties. Being clearer about my purpose for each task I undertake and redefining my source of motivation has made me fit into some of my shoes much better.
It will be tough and it will take lots of meditation and focus in changing my source of motivation.
I realised that the constant conflict that I struggled with has been the lack of appreciating the purpose of having those 'shoes'.
It seems that in some instances, a few pairs were meant for seeking recognition. Another one or two pairs of shoes were driven by a need for achievement. While achievement could be gained through determination and some degree of sacrifices, recognition depends on how others respond to my achievements.
I have been struggling with a need for recognition and now realised that is has been the cause of my depressive mood swings and anxieties. Being clearer about my purpose for each task I undertake and redefining my source of motivation has made me fit into some of my shoes much better.
It will be tough and it will take lots of meditation and focus in changing my source of motivation.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
A New Balance
When it comes to shoes, my choices are very limited.
The problems I faced with my frequent ankle sprains and sore feet since 1997 may have changed the physiology of my feet and ankles.
Since 1997, my shoes have to be comfortable.
My life took a turn in 2001, and I have yet to fit into any of my "shoes" comfortably. I have experimented with different roles, identity and aspirations. So far, none seems more comforting than those "shoes" that I would wear to accompany someone else on their journey.
I had a recurrent dream when I was about 5. In this dream, I was wearing slippers which would make a particular noise with each step I took. All I could recall was picking up sticks as I moved towards a huge door that was fiery red. The door must have been huge as it could be seen from very far away.
Aside from the path I had to tread on while picking up sticks, and the door, there was nothing else but darkness and emptiness.
The only other thing I noticed was another person that seems to be competing with me in this 'race' that I have no knowledge of. As I increased my pace, this other person would do the same. When I slowed down, this person would overtake me.
In this dream, I would try as best as I could to keep ahead of this other person.
After a long journey and tirelessly picking up sticks, I reached the door that was at the end of the path. The door was enormous and it was difficult to gauge its actual height. On this fiery red door, the face of something was carved. Leading up to the door were a stairway that led first to a cauldron before we reach the foot of the door.
As I look up when the door was opening, I could see light from the other side. As I stood in awe of the sight, I turned to see the other person that was competing with me. In that instance, I saw 'me' and we were both equally shocked... it was at this moment that I would wake up screaming or with a fright...
At times, the only other competitor in our 'race' is our other 'self'. Have a new balance in life, so that we would not unnecessarily compete with our own 'selves'... we should collaborate instead.
The problems I faced with my frequent ankle sprains and sore feet since 1997 may have changed the physiology of my feet and ankles.
Since 1997, my shoes have to be comfortable.
My life took a turn in 2001, and I have yet to fit into any of my "shoes" comfortably. I have experimented with different roles, identity and aspirations. So far, none seems more comforting than those "shoes" that I would wear to accompany someone else on their journey.
I had a recurrent dream when I was about 5. In this dream, I was wearing slippers which would make a particular noise with each step I took. All I could recall was picking up sticks as I moved towards a huge door that was fiery red. The door must have been huge as it could be seen from very far away.
Aside from the path I had to tread on while picking up sticks, and the door, there was nothing else but darkness and emptiness.
The only other thing I noticed was another person that seems to be competing with me in this 'race' that I have no knowledge of. As I increased my pace, this other person would do the same. When I slowed down, this person would overtake me.
In this dream, I would try as best as I could to keep ahead of this other person.
After a long journey and tirelessly picking up sticks, I reached the door that was at the end of the path. The door was enormous and it was difficult to gauge its actual height. On this fiery red door, the face of something was carved. Leading up to the door were a stairway that led first to a cauldron before we reach the foot of the door.
As I look up when the door was opening, I could see light from the other side. As I stood in awe of the sight, I turned to see the other person that was competing with me. In that instance, I saw 'me' and we were both equally shocked... it was at this moment that I would wake up screaming or with a fright...
At times, the only other competitor in our 'race' is our other 'self'. Have a new balance in life, so that we would not unnecessarily compete with our own 'selves'... we should collaborate instead.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Crossroads
I begin to wonder about three types of people:
1. Those who hold the fort selflessly and do the things that mattered but received no glory.
2. Those who appear to hold the fort, excel for personal gains and clamoured for glory.
3. Those who do not appear to hold the fort, do not seem to excel and yet, are fundamental factors of change.
Somehow all three types are important for the sustainability and progress of any community. Someone has to excel in the fundamental areas, while others need to focus on how to manage and negotiate change.
1. Those who hold the fort selflessly and do the things that mattered but received no glory.
2. Those who appear to hold the fort, excel for personal gains and clamoured for glory.
3. Those who do not appear to hold the fort, do not seem to excel and yet, are fundamental factors of change.
Somehow all three types are important for the sustainability and progress of any community. Someone has to excel in the fundamental areas, while others need to focus on how to manage and negotiate change.
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