More than two months have passed since I wrote my last entry. Many things have happened.
I am also surprised and flattered that I have an audience. I know that people could access my postings and that I did not intend to keep it private in the first place.
I am glad that some of you have found my postings useful and others have used them as reference for school assignments.
I had my first panic attack in the day, in public and in the presence of my children several weeks ago. It was strange, yet exciting. It was a embarrassing, yet a spectacle. I was near to being unconscious, yet very aware of minute details.
Exciting things ahead!
In my last appointment with a psychiatrist more than a year ago, I was advised against getting too excited about things. I have to be conscious of my anxiety levels and maintain below the threshold. This is where I realised that my current condition has made it a must for me to remain calm in every situation. It is no longer a choice to be calm. I have to be calm in calamity or I risk a possible panic attack.
I have found new partners to realise my dreams. Wonderful and exciting things happen when you meet another person who have been equally passionate and focussed on the same dream. In the spirit of the colourful things that will come, I had toyed with a colour-inspired series of short verses:
AMBER
The sea of amber flushed over me.
Blinded by the fury of ambivalence,
I thread the chest high torrents of pain.
Picqued by the call for obedience,
I ready my arms of obstinance.
Standing amongst the ranks of posterity,
I rally the charge of the enlightened.
BLUE
The stroke of blue coats my hide
An alternate shimmer of gleam and light
Through shattered lenses I see the world
A swirling paste of grime and pride
GREEN
The green creeps across my dawn,
Not of envy but hope forlorn.
A raging tide, a tragic site.
A renegade blight, a deafening sight.
A world forsaken, a future mistaken.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
When you ask, God gives. Will you take?
It has been an amazing few months when there were a few coincidences that occurred within such a period of time.
I had been wanting to help a school for kids who have been labelled as "not academically inclined", and I will meet a friend soon to discuss how best I can contribute to helping these kids. Frankly, its about empowering them and facilitating their own self-motivation. I can't help them, only they can help themselves.
I had been feeling the need to expand my programmes to another madrasah, and soon, God willing, I will be in discussion with another madrasah.
I had been wondering about my capacity to write in Malay and present it in a conference. In two weeks' time I will be in Brunei to present a paper in Malay.
I had been curious about a national mentoring conference, and on 21 November, I will be co-facilitating a workshop on mentoring programmes.
I had been asking about my future pathway, and I was presented with two opportunities - one to give a talk at an established research institution and another to supervise two theses on cultural preservation. I took the latter and still pondering on the former. Coincidentally, the two theses are about preservation of cultural heritage - something that I have wanted to do for a PhD. Now, I will venture into the field again.
These coincidental opportunities do not come without challenges. I will be going for a second interview for a post I applied for about two months ago. This opportunity comes with a full-time position and a more stable income. However, I may have to postpone my venture into the field of cultural heritage preservation.
I asked, God gives and also challenges. What do I do?
I had been wanting to help a school for kids who have been labelled as "not academically inclined", and I will meet a friend soon to discuss how best I can contribute to helping these kids. Frankly, its about empowering them and facilitating their own self-motivation. I can't help them, only they can help themselves.
I had been feeling the need to expand my programmes to another madrasah, and soon, God willing, I will be in discussion with another madrasah.
I had been wondering about my capacity to write in Malay and present it in a conference. In two weeks' time I will be in Brunei to present a paper in Malay.
I had been curious about a national mentoring conference, and on 21 November, I will be co-facilitating a workshop on mentoring programmes.
I had been asking about my future pathway, and I was presented with two opportunities - one to give a talk at an established research institution and another to supervise two theses on cultural preservation. I took the latter and still pondering on the former. Coincidentally, the two theses are about preservation of cultural heritage - something that I have wanted to do for a PhD. Now, I will venture into the field again.
These coincidental opportunities do not come without challenges. I will be going for a second interview for a post I applied for about two months ago. This opportunity comes with a full-time position and a more stable income. However, I may have to postpone my venture into the field of cultural heritage preservation.
I asked, God gives and also challenges. What do I do?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Monster In Me
When we were young, we hear stories about monsters.
Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.
Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.
The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.
I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.
I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.
I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.
I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?
Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.
Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.
The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.
I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.
I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.
I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.
I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A Timely Return
It has been quite some time since my last post.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.
It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.
The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.
Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.
I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.
Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.
Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Volunteerism and Collaboration - A Panacea for Difficult Times?
As we brace for the effects of the economic downturn, the motivation for volunteerism will be more crucial than ever. Volunteerism has been defined as "the policy or practice of volunteering one's time or talents for charitable, educational, or other worthwhile activities, esp. in one's community"; as well as the "use of or reliance on volunteers, especially to perform social or educational work in communities".
Having been a volunteer with the Malay Youth Literary Association (4PM) since 1989, this year will mark my 20th year in service. Towards the end of 2008, I had planned to focus on my own personal and professional development from 2009, but the impending effects of the economic climate has made me review my own decision; and remain committed to volunteerism.
In times like this, one of the cost factors that could easily be removed will be manpower or HR costs. In support of our children's education, complimentary (or free) tuition and other forms of learning support could help ensure that our children's future remain promising. 4PM was formed in the initial years for such a purpose - to help families cope with the demands of education at minimal costs. Our years of providing affordable tuition and learning support classes to complement and supplement a student's formal education in school will continue despite the economic climate. Now, we find it more pertinent to enhance and ensure greater efficiency so as to make the best of the limited funds that we have.
As the transfer of knowledge and skills can actually be at very minimal cost, nothing - short of a trainers' or educators' need for his/her own economic sustenance - could prevent such a thing from continuing. Of course, the need for materials and equipment will be equally important. Hence, voluntary services in the areas of education and training can actually help to defray costs significantly. Every savings in terms of trainers' and educators' fees will mean that more money can be set aside for materials and equipment.
Another cost to education and training that could be easily reduced will be the cost of facility rental - i.e. the use of space to conduct such programmes for training and learning support. One of the main challenge that I faced in the past was to find an affordable training room to conduct a low-cost Learning Facilitation Programme for students. While I could volunteer my services and reduce material costs, the cost of renting a space remains one of a my main problem.
Another cost that will be a burden of some sort has been transport cost. While any volunteer can forgo a meal or expend their time, without much support with transport cost, the extent to which the volunteer could travel to provide his/her services can be greatly reduced. Hence, one of the challenge I face currently in an attempt to coordinate a Javanese Language Cost for members of the Javanese Singaporeans Facebook group will be to find an affordable training venue and
I created the Learning Facilitation Programme (LFP) in 2003 based on my earlier years of providing complimentary learning support to relatives and students from my wife's school when she was teaching. Every Saturday, I would conduct a session from about 2.00 pm in the afternoon to about 6.00 pm in the evening. These sessions taught me one very important lesson - that equipping students with the necessary attitude, motivation, knowledge and skills about themselves and their learning can reap much better results in the long run.
One of the things that will always change will be the academic curriculum and the contents that students learn. One of the things that will never change will be the need for each of us to develop a learning capacity that will be adaptive to the changes in how we learn, unlearn and relearn new knowledge and skills. Hence, LFP was deisgned to help students develop their unique learning capacities from young so that they are much better prepared to be self-directed and collaborative learners. An important aspect of LFP has been the maintenance of a three-tiered level of enquiry - i.e. self, peer and facilitator.
Given my belief in such a process-based learning programme, I could easily adapt myself to the pedagogical approach advocated at my current workplace - Republic Polytechnic (RP). At RP, teachers are called facilitators; and our main aim has been to facilitate students' motivation for self-directed and collaborative learning on a daily basis. As the emphasis will be on the process of learning rather than the acquisition of knowledge content, one of the hopes will be for students to develop the necessary learning skills and attitude that will help them cope with the process of learning, unlearning and relearning.
In these difficult times, the services of volunteers in providing supplementary and complementary learning support and facilitation programmes can help reduce overall costs of education. Collaboration by transport providers and venue owners in reducing transport and rental costs can make it lesser of a financial burden for volunteers and further reduce costs of running such programmes. Ultimately, when students are equipped with the necessary tools, attitude, skills and knowledge for effective self-directed and collaborative learning, they should be able to cope with the challenges of education without need for supplementary support - i.e. becoming autodidactic. Hence, I will be much more motivated than ever to be more active in running LFPs and its like in these difficult times; as well as continuing to be a volunteer.
Having been a volunteer with the Malay Youth Literary Association (4PM) since 1989, this year will mark my 20th year in service. Towards the end of 2008, I had planned to focus on my own personal and professional development from 2009, but the impending effects of the economic climate has made me review my own decision; and remain committed to volunteerism.
In times like this, one of the cost factors that could easily be removed will be manpower or HR costs. In support of our children's education, complimentary (or free) tuition and other forms of learning support could help ensure that our children's future remain promising. 4PM was formed in the initial years for such a purpose - to help families cope with the demands of education at minimal costs. Our years of providing affordable tuition and learning support classes to complement and supplement a student's formal education in school will continue despite the economic climate. Now, we find it more pertinent to enhance and ensure greater efficiency so as to make the best of the limited funds that we have.
As the transfer of knowledge and skills can actually be at very minimal cost, nothing - short of a trainers' or educators' need for his/her own economic sustenance - could prevent such a thing from continuing. Of course, the need for materials and equipment will be equally important. Hence, voluntary services in the areas of education and training can actually help to defray costs significantly. Every savings in terms of trainers' and educators' fees will mean that more money can be set aside for materials and equipment.
Another cost to education and training that could be easily reduced will be the cost of facility rental - i.e. the use of space to conduct such programmes for training and learning support. One of the main challenge that I faced in the past was to find an affordable training room to conduct a low-cost Learning Facilitation Programme for students. While I could volunteer my services and reduce material costs, the cost of renting a space remains one of a my main problem.
Another cost that will be a burden of some sort has been transport cost. While any volunteer can forgo a meal or expend their time, without much support with transport cost, the extent to which the volunteer could travel to provide his/her services can be greatly reduced. Hence, one of the challenge I face currently in an attempt to coordinate a Javanese Language Cost for members of the Javanese Singaporeans Facebook group will be to find an affordable training venue and
I created the Learning Facilitation Programme (LFP) in 2003 based on my earlier years of providing complimentary learning support to relatives and students from my wife's school when she was teaching. Every Saturday, I would conduct a session from about 2.00 pm in the afternoon to about 6.00 pm in the evening. These sessions taught me one very important lesson - that equipping students with the necessary attitude, motivation, knowledge and skills about themselves and their learning can reap much better results in the long run.
One of the things that will always change will be the academic curriculum and the contents that students learn. One of the things that will never change will be the need for each of us to develop a learning capacity that will be adaptive to the changes in how we learn, unlearn and relearn new knowledge and skills. Hence, LFP was deisgned to help students develop their unique learning capacities from young so that they are much better prepared to be self-directed and collaborative learners. An important aspect of LFP has been the maintenance of a three-tiered level of enquiry - i.e. self, peer and facilitator.
Given my belief in such a process-based learning programme, I could easily adapt myself to the pedagogical approach advocated at my current workplace - Republic Polytechnic (RP). At RP, teachers are called facilitators; and our main aim has been to facilitate students' motivation for self-directed and collaborative learning on a daily basis. As the emphasis will be on the process of learning rather than the acquisition of knowledge content, one of the hopes will be for students to develop the necessary learning skills and attitude that will help them cope with the process of learning, unlearning and relearning.
In these difficult times, the services of volunteers in providing supplementary and complementary learning support and facilitation programmes can help reduce overall costs of education. Collaboration by transport providers and venue owners in reducing transport and rental costs can make it lesser of a financial burden for volunteers and further reduce costs of running such programmes. Ultimately, when students are equipped with the necessary tools, attitude, skills and knowledge for effective self-directed and collaborative learning, they should be able to cope with the challenges of education without need for supplementary support - i.e. becoming autodidactic. Hence, I will be much more motivated than ever to be more active in running LFPs and its like in these difficult times; as well as continuing to be a volunteer.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Work-Life Balance or LIFE-work Imbalance?
In the search and 'acquisition' of talent globally, organisations have embarked on improving their employee value proposition, in addition to appreciating their employees as human capital and human investment, rather than human resource.
Part of the latest trend has been the promotion of 'work-life' balance.
While work-life balance may appear to be a structural and even psychological construct of how employees could be facilitated to have both 'work' and 'life'; it also possess an underlying problem with respect to our understanding of 'work' and 'life'.
Firstly, the first impression that one gets will be the separation between work and life that needs to be balanced. In this perspective, it implies that we have to divide ourselves between 'work' and 'life' such that we have a balance. In any balance, it is implied that we apportion equal 'weights' to our 'work' and 'life'. But what if, our 'life' is so much more than our 'work'? Or our 'life' is our 'work'? Or our 'work' is our 'life'?
The current efforts in providing employees with 'work-life' balance has been to ensure that our 'work' does not become our 'life'. It seems to imply that you need more than 'work' to have a 'life' - you need to have something to think about, to care for, to collaborate with, 'outside office hours'. The current efforts have yet to address nor accommodate those who has set their 'life' as 'work' in the sense that we 'work' towards obtaining and achieving a fulfilling 'life' - i.e. 'work' only if it gives meaning to your 'life'.
Secondly, the term 'work-life balance' has placed 'work' in front of 'life', thereby giving priority to 'work' - the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) and Critical Success Factors (CSFs) - that drives our motivation and economic sustenance. While we may structurally divide our time between 'work' and 'life', our minds and concerns may continue to focus on our 'work' at either the conscious or sub-conscious level. Given that we are living in an information and communication age, there has been limited barriers to allow us to continue 'work'-ing, even when we are supposedly meant to be 'li[fe']-ving.
Since early last year, I have thought about another KPI (Kinship Priority Index) which will provide us a better sense of how we manage our 'work-life' balance. I sensed that we can truly claim to have achieved the balance when we are clear about ways in which we manage our KP Index. If we constantly place other aspects of our lives - especially with those who we are meant to care about (our kins) - below that of our 'work', we have yet to attain a balance.
Personally, my life is much more than my work. 'Outside office hours', I have volunteered my services toward youth development as a mentor, advisor and chairperson; as well as apportioned some time for National Service as a soldier and commander; and some time to preserve and promote traditional knowledge as a researcher and interpretor. This is above my duties as a father, son, husband, brother, uncle, nephew, grand-uncle and grand-son.
With such a life, I will definitely not achieve a 'work-life' balance. I will definitely not achieve the KPIs and possess the CSFs for my organisation, for I 'work' for my 'life' which is much more than my 'work'. Perhaps, a LIFE-work imbalance. The only problem I have is that no one will pay me for such a LIFE, and hence, I have to work.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Roller Coasters
I am not a fan of roller-coasters. I had my first ride when I was in primary school at the Wonderland Amusement Park in Kallang.
Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.
As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.
Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.
The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.
It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.
I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.
Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.
As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.
Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.
The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.
It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.
I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.
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