My Shoes Are Too Big

Exciting things ahead!

2010-02-19T19:36:00.000+08:00

More than two months have passed since I wrote my last entry. Many things have happened.

I am also surprised and flattered that I have an audience. I know that people could access my postings and that I did not intend to keep it private in the first place.

I am glad that some of you have found my postings useful and others have used them as reference for school assignments.

I had my first panic attack in the day, in public and in the presence of my children several weeks ago. It was strange, yet exciting. It was a embarrassing, yet a spectacle. I was near to being unconscious, yet very aware of minute details.

Exciting things ahead!

In my last appointment with a psychiatrist more than a year ago, I was advised against getting too excited about things. I have to be conscious of my anxiety levels and maintain below the threshold. This is where I realised that my current condition has made it a must for me to remain calm in every situation. It is no longer a choice to be calm. I have to be calm in calamity or I risk a possible panic attack.

I have found new partners to realise my dreams. Wonderful and exciting things happen when you meet another person who have been equally passionate and focussed on the same dream. In the spirit of the colourful things that will come, I had toyed with a colour-inspired series of short verses:

AMBER
The sea of amber flushed over me.
Blinded by the fury of ambivalence,
I thread the chest high torrents of pain.
Picqued by the call for obedience,
I ready my arms of obstinance.
Standing amongst the ranks of posterity,
I rally the charge of the enlightened.

BLUE
The stroke of blue coats my hide
An alternate shimmer of gleam and light
Through shattered lenses I see the world
A swirling paste of grime and pride

GREEN
The green creeps across my dawn,
Not of envy but hope forlorn.
A raging tide, a tragic site.
A renegade blight, a deafening sight.
A world forsaken, a future mistaken.

When you ask, God gives. Will you take?

2009-10-27T09:30:00.004+08:00

It has been an amazing few months when there were a few coincidences that occurred within such a period of time.

I had been wanting to help a school for kids who have been labelled as "not academically inclined", and I will meet a friend soon to discuss how best I can contribute to helping these kids. Frankly, its about empowering them and facilitating their own self-motivation. I can't help them, only they can help themselves.

I had been feeling the need to expand my programmes to another madrasah, and soon, God willing, I will be in discussion with another madrasah.

I had been wondering about my capacity to write in Malay and present it in a conference. In two weeks' time I will be in Brunei to present a paper in Malay.

I had been curious about a national mentoring conference, and on 21 November, I will be co-facilitating a workshop on mentoring programmes.

I had been asking about my future pathway, and I was presented with two opportunities - one to give a talk at an established research institution and another to supervise two theses on cultural preservation. I took the latter and still pondering on the former. Coincidentally, the two theses are about preservation of cultural heritage - something that I have wanted to do for a PhD. Now, I will venture into the field again.

These coincidental opportunities do not come without challenges. I will be going for a second interview for a post I applied for about two months ago. This opportunity comes with a full-time position and a more stable income. However, I may have to postpone my venture into the field of cultural heritage preservation.

I asked, God gives and also challenges. What do I do?

The Monster In Me

2009-08-19T12:19:00.002+08:00

When we were young, we hear stories about monsters.

Some say, monsters are the manifestation of our fears, our insecurities.

Others think that monsters have been created to instill fear so that social norms will be adhered to.

The fact is, there is a monster in each and everyone of us. I close my eyes and I could see that monster. Not what it looks like, but what it is. I fear this monster that I have in me and at times, I could not gather the necessary strength to suppress the emergence of that monster.

I have hurt the people I love. People who has given me love and all I could give in return is pain.

I have hurt them with words for which at times I do not know the reasons for saying.

I have hurt them with disappointments. I have made them disappointed as they had hope that I could once again be who I was, that I can be better. Such hope have often been shattered as it became apparent that I could not fulfill the things that I had committed to.

I have become a liability and a burden to those who have depended on me. How long do I have before I lose all strength to become the monster that I am?

A Timely Return

2009-08-18T09:26:00.002+08:00

It has been quite some time since my last post.

I'm battling with another possible relapse. This time, it's what I would call the 'Trident' - anxiety, depression and phobias.

It started with a extended recovery process for an acute gout attack of my ankle. The acute gout attack came after weeks of enduring the pain in my ankle joints. As my supply of traditional medicine ran out, I had to rely on standard medication from a doctor.

The medication prescribed to me were effective but it had one problem. I realised that I experienced anxiety spikes and mood dips each time I took the medication. A check with a doctor clarified that there was a risk involved, especially for those who have mood disorders. I realised that I had to choose my suffering. I decided to focus on recovering from my acute gout so that I could move around much easier.

Now, I suffer the consequence. It has been more than a week since I have recovered from the acute gout, but I have been experiencing bouts of mild anxiety attacks of shortness of breadth as well as difficulty breathing.

I have also found it more difficult to be in public places and in crowds. I begin to feel insecure in social gatherings and could not last more than 3 hours outside my home. It all these instances, I would begin to have difficulty breathing and feeling light-headed.

Now, I have a new experience. I realised that I am equally anxious logging into Facebook. I wonder if its a new form of social phobia that I have experienced before and risk experiencing again.

Although I starting to have difficulty breathing as I write this post, I hope that I can continue to share my experiences and how I have coped with it.

Volunteerism and Collaboration - A Panacea for Difficult Times?

2009-02-01T21:25:00.003+08:00

As we brace for the effects of the economic downturn, the motivation for volunteerism will be more crucial than ever. Volunteerism has been defined as "the policy or practice of volunteering one's time or talents for charitable, educational, or other worthwhile activities, esp. in one's community"; as well as the "use of or reliance on volunteers, especially to perform social or educational work in communities".

Having been a volunteer with the Malay Youth Literary Association (4PM) since 1989, this year will mark my 20th year in service. Towards the end of 2008, I had planned to focus on my own personal and professional development from 2009, but the impending effects of the economic climate has made me review my own decision; and remain committed to volunteerism.

In times like this, one of the cost factors that could easily be removed will be manpower or HR costs. In support of our children's education, complimentary (or free) tuition and other forms of learning support could help ensure that our children's future remain promising. 4PM was formed in the initial years for such a purpose - to help families cope with the demands of education at minimal costs. Our years of providing affordable tuition and learning support classes to complement and supplement a student's formal education in school will continue despite the economic climate. Now, we find it more pertinent to enhance and ensure greater efficiency so as to make the best of the limited funds that we have.

As the transfer of knowledge and skills can actually be at very minimal cost, nothing - short of a trainers' or educators' need for his/her own economic sustenance - could prevent such a thing from continuing. Of course, the need for materials and equipment will be equally important. Hence, voluntary services in the areas of education and training can actually help to defray costs significantly. Every savings in terms of trainers' and educators' fees will mean that more money can be set aside for materials and equipment.

Another cost to education and training that could be easily reduced will be the cost of facility rental - i.e. the use of space to conduct such programmes for training and learning support. One of the main challenge that I faced in the past was to find an affordable training room to conduct a low-cost Learning Facilitation Programme for students. While I could volunteer my services and reduce material costs, the cost of renting a space remains one of a my main problem.

Another cost that will be a burden of some sort has been transport cost. While any volunteer can forgo a meal or expend their time, without much support with transport cost, the extent to which the volunteer could travel to provide his/her services can be greatly reduced. Hence, one of the challenge I face currently in an attempt to coordinate a Javanese Language Cost for members of the Javanese Singaporeans Facebook group will be to find an affordable training venue and

I created the Learning Facilitation Programme (LFP) in 2003 based on my earlier years of providing complimentary learning support to relatives and students from my wife's school when she was teaching. Every Saturday, I would conduct a session from about 2.00 pm in the afternoon to about 6.00 pm in the evening. These sessions taught me one very important lesson - that equipping students with the necessary attitude, motivation, knowledge and skills about themselves and their learning can reap much better results in the long run.

One of the things that will always change will be the academic curriculum and the contents that students learn. One of the things that will never change will be the need for each of us to develop a learning capacity that will be adaptive to the changes in how we learn, unlearn and relearn new knowledge and skills. Hence, LFP was deisgned to help students develop their unique learning capacities from young so that they are much better prepared to be self-directed and collaborative learners. An important aspect of LFP has been the maintenance of a three-tiered level of enquiry - i.e. self, peer and facilitator.

Given my belief in such a process-based learning programme, I could easily adapt myself to the pedagogical approach advocated at my current workplace - Republic Polytechnic (RP). At RP, teachers are called facilitators; and our main aim has been to facilitate students' motivation for self-directed and collaborative learning on a daily basis. As the emphasis will be on the process of learning rather than the acquisition of knowledge content, one of the hopes will be for students to develop the necessary learning skills and attitude that will help them cope with the process of learning, unlearning and relearning.

In these difficult times, the services of volunteers in providing supplementary and complementary learning support and facilitation programmes can help reduce overall costs of education. Collaboration by transport providers and venue owners in reducing transport and rental costs can make it lesser of a financial burden for volunteers and further reduce costs of running such programmes. Ultimately, when students are equipped with the necessary tools, attitude, skills and knowledge for effective self-directed and collaborative learning, they should be able to cope with the challenges of education without need for supplementary support - i.e. becoming autodidactic. Hence, I will be much more motivated than ever to be more active in running LFPs and its like in these difficult times; as well as continuing to be a volunteer.

Work-Life Balance or LIFE-work Imbalance?

2009-01-09T14:14:00.004+08:00

In the search and 'acquisition' of talent globally, organisations have embarked on improving their employee value proposition, in addition to appreciating their employees as human capital and human investment, rather than human resource.

Part of the latest trend has been the promotion of 'work-life' balance.

While work-life balance may appear to be a structural and even psychological construct of how employees could be facilitated to have both 'work' and 'life'; it also possess an underlying problem with respect to our understanding of 'work' and 'life'.

Firstly, the first impression that one gets will be the separation between work and life that needs to be balanced. In this perspective, it implies that we have to divide ourselves between 'work' and 'life' such that we have a balance. In any balance, it is implied that we apportion equal 'weights' to our 'work' and 'life'. But what if, our 'life' is so much more than our 'work'? Or our 'life' is our 'work'? Or our 'work' is our 'life'?

The current efforts in providing employees with 'work-life' balance has been to ensure that our 'work' does not become our 'life'. It seems to imply that you need more than 'work' to have a 'life' - you need to have something to think about, to care for, to collaborate with, 'outside office hours'. The current efforts have yet to address nor accommodate those who has set their 'life' as 'work' in the sense that we 'work' towards obtaining and achieving a fulfilling 'life' - i.e. 'work' only if it gives meaning to your 'life'.

Secondly, the term 'work-life balance' has placed 'work' in front of 'life', thereby giving priority to 'work' - the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) and Critical Success Factors (CSFs) - that drives our motivation and economic sustenance. While we may structurally divide our time between 'work' and 'life', our minds and concerns may continue to focus on our 'work' at either the conscious or sub-conscious level. Given that we are living in an information and communication age, there has been limited barriers to allow us to continue 'work'-ing, even when we are supposedly meant to be 'li[fe']-ving.

Since early last year, I have thought about another KPI (Kinship Priority Index) which will provide us a better sense of how we manage our 'work-life' balance. I sensed that we can truly claim to have achieved the balance when we are clear about ways in which we manage our KP Index. If we constantly place other aspects of our lives - especially with those who we are meant to care about (our kins) - below that of our 'work', we have yet to attain a balance.

Personally, my life is much more than my work. 'Outside office hours', I have volunteered my services toward youth development as a mentor, advisor and chairperson; as well as apportioned some time for National Service as a soldier and commander; and some time to preserve and promote traditional knowledge as a researcher and interpretor. This is above my duties as a father, son, husband, brother, uncle, nephew, grand-uncle and grand-son.

With such a life, I will definitely not achieve a 'work-life' balance. I will definitely not achieve the KPIs and possess the CSFs for my organisation, for I 'work' for my 'life' which is much more than my 'work'. Perhaps, a LIFE-work imbalance. The only problem I have is that no one will pay me for such a LIFE, and hence, I have to work.

Roller Coasters

2008-12-09T10:44:00.003+08:00

I am not a fan of roller-coasters. I had my first ride when I was in primary school at the Wonderland Amusement Park in Kallang.

Now, I have to be cautious and manage emotional roller-coasters so that I do not 'crack' and will need to bolster myself against possible anxiety/panic attacks.

As much as I am averse to emotional roller-coasters, I am also averse to celebrations. It has been tough for me to be among a crowd as they celebrate. It can be any celebration. A birthday, festivity or any form of celebration can have an affect on me somehow.

Imagine my situation, when I had to be among the lead party in my nephew's wedding. I almost 'cracked' and lost my composure. It drained so much energy that I am still struggling to maintain my composure today.

The roller-coaster occurred as I was trying to grieve the lost of my grandmother two days before the wedding. Two extreme emotions co-existing in me was a challenge. I managed to sleep off possible anxiety attacks, but still feel very drained at the end of each day.

It seems that my current uncertainties about my future has somewhat contributed to the destabilising effect.

I have difficulty breathing now. I feel light headed and occasionally feel that I am in between a dream-state and being awake. I have to make an effort to know what's real. My body aches and I begin to fell dips in moods again. I really need to rest and have my quiet time - to reflect and contemplate.

Panthers Mauled by Tigers

2008-11-27T22:34:00.003+08:00

It has been a fruitful In Camp Training. I achieved all my learning objectives and realised that things that grew with me stayed with me. All it took was the appropriate triggers to fire my synapses. Seemingly complex operations and procedures became second nature.

My synapses must have been fired vigorously as my thinking framework has changed and my perceptiveness has improved. My cognitive senses have become heightened and I gained an increased awareness and appreciation of situation.

I feel more confident and I could control my anxieties much better.

I'm happy for this and grateful to the Almighty for such gift - the best birthday present to date!!!

A Harbinger of Unhappiness?

2008-11-17T12:14:00.004+08:00

I was saddened by the stiffness and pain of my right leg, from my lower thigh to my upper calf. There was sharp pain and restricted mobility. I could not stretch my leg fully.: (

It must have been caused by extensive walking over the weekend and carrying a heavy load up three flights of stairs.

Now, I'm walking with a cane and a limp. I'm very drowsy from the jamu that I have consumed to speed up the recovery rate and prevent the build up or fluid in the affected area.

How will I cope with my In-Camp Training this week?

Whenever I have a physical condition, like this pain in my leg, I have to assess the possibilities for psychosomatic responses to certain triggers for my anxiety. Is this condition a sign of unhappiness that I'm encountering at work? What am I unhappy about?

Though, I have created a list of "What makes me happy here?", deep inside I know that I am not comfortable in being constraint; have my wings clipped and my ideas stifled. Should I take the risk in this uncertain times to make it on my own again? How should I go about making such decisions? Reflect, review, reorganise and respond - the 4Rs for those in cross-roads. I've been in so many cross-roads that I should be an expert by now.

Finding comfort in completion

2008-10-26T20:43:00.003+08:00

In my fulfilling our of my academic duties, I begin to realise that I have been anxious about completing a project or task.

Now, I am reflecting on my anxiety about completion as well as my probable fear in feeling redundant. Perhaps, when I could resolve the basis of such anxieties, I may be able to change my inclinations toward procrastination.

Tightening my laces...

2008-10-06T03:49:00.002+08:00

I have yet to put in place my plan to get back in shape. I am looking forward to feeling healthier and lighter.

As I've had a few close encounters with my anxieties this year, I began to reflect on my capacities... I've been doing the same basic thing for the past one and half years - something much longer than I'm used to.

I feel free somehow with the final submission of my thesis... a weight off my conscience.

I feel more motivated to clear my boxes and reminiscing the past through each paper I shred - my way of saying, "Let's move on...".

I may have been caught in the same complexities at work and it's recalling negative experiences... How should I deal with this, now?

I feel the urge to move, to explore something new again... something which has more promise... uncertainties abound and it troubles me when I do not have much control. I've made my achievements based on intuition and regretted some decisions which did not lead to an excellent outcome - the constant sense of "Not good enough! It could have been better!".

Getting into shape

2008-07-29T22:20:00.002+08:00

I felt the urge to get back in shape.

Just when I was looking out for a solution, I became acquainted with someone who could provide the solution I need.

Now, it's time to put on my cross-trainers, hit the gym, the pool and manage my intake of carbs, proteins, sugar, etc....

now at 33% fat and 99kg...

Putting on bigger shoes

2008-07-20T16:26:00.003+08:00

At a time when I am supposed to be making sense of my shoes, one of them may get bigger.

It's something that I have been prepared for and enthusiastic about putting them on.

It's something that will allow me to realise some of my aspirations for the community.

Should I put it on?

Tired of the Battles... Can I still win the war?

2008-07-07T11:40:00.002+08:00

At this point, I'm tired of fighting.

One technique I used to overcome my anxieties, has been to suppress and numb my emotions. No emotions, no sadness, no frustration, no anxieties.

It makes me feel like a robot- something short of becoming less human.

One thing I learned from all my experiences is to be human. Often I heard of advises which tells me to do what is humanly possible. What is that?

We have gone to the moon, climbed the highest mountains, thought of great inventions... so, what is humanly possible.

Is it humanly possible to ever get out of this vicious cycle of relapse after relapse? No matter how much I've pushed the frequency of relapse, the reality is that, it will always be there.

It creeps and haunts,
it snickers and taunts.
In day and night,
In dark and light.

I thought of going away, and some say that it's not possible. Not humanly possible or not possible per se? Isn't it better to go away to some place and be able to return than to go to another place where it will be impossible to return.

As with the shoes, it may be best to send the shoes somewhere where you'll know that you'll get it back, than to throw it in the bin where you know it will end up in some incinerator somewhere.

K.P.I.s and KPIs

2008-07-03T01:53:00.002+08:00

Last Fathers' Day, I received an SMS from my daughter, "Hi! Y so late? It's ur day n u spend ur day at work. Heh!"

I could sense her frustration and it got me thinking, especially in the following week when I conducted a Mid Year Review to assess our achievements in terms of K.P.I.s (Key Performance Indicators).

I realised that while we are often pre-occupied with our K.P.I.s we tend to forget our other KPI - Kinship-Priority-Index. How much have we placed emphasise on our kinship, especially our immediate family - my wife and three daughters?

Should all of us begin to have K-P-Is. Perhaps, when we move towards a model that emphasise work-life balance, we should include K-P-Is as part of our workplan. Staff should then be assessed on some basis of how they have balanced their life.

Economically, it would have some bearing as a good work-life balance should make employees healthier - mental, physical and emotional. Given that we are constantly conscious of providing holistic education that involves the cognitive, affective and behavorial domains, shouldn't we also emphasise health in such domains.

Not forgetting about shoes... shouldn't we think about the feet that wears them?

Which shoes should I discard?

2008-07-02T13:09:00.002+08:00

I laid out my shoes today, evaluating its usefulness.

Are the soles strong enough for this one? How about the laces for that one? Is the other one too stiff? How about the insoles for the one in the corner? That last shoe looked old and worn, but it can still be good for another stretch.

So, which shoes should I discard? They all looked important to me.

Hmmm. Perhaps, that's the problem... the shoes are important to me. Am I important for those shoes? If I don't wear them anymore, how will it affect others who have been saying that they need me to wear those shoes... Hmmm... Should I be thinking about it? Or should I just throw all of them away.

Keep only those shoes that makes sense to me for the moment. Well, if only it's that simple... too many sentiments are attached to most of them.

S.H.O.E.S.

2008-07-01T19:35:00.003+08:00

S. H. O. E. S.

Small Heaps Of Exotic Spices.

See How Others Engage Stress.

Some Hope On Endearing Souls.

Should Heaven Offer Entries Sparingly?

Sharing Happiness Overcomes Excessive Sadness

Taking Stock of My Shoes

2008-07-01T08:55:00.002+08:00

It's been two years since I had my last relapse. Two very good years that saw me completing my thesis, starting a new career, and after a long time, a full-time job.

Life has been good and it could not have been better. I guess the soles of my shoes are more stable now. It should have been able to take the impacts of each step, giving me adequate rebounds to energise myself. However, the 'old' creature that used to haunt me started making appearances.

I tried to reflect on it and thought that it was a case of discarding a well-loved and meaningful shoe. A shoe that has not only served the community well but also won accolades - three at the institutional, national and international level.

Then, when it crept it stealthily in the past few weeks, I thought that it was another shoe that I chose not to wear. It was a gift from my mom and she had expected me to wear them. It seems as though she had prepared me all this while to put on that shoe. It would have been a life-changing and transformational experience if I had put on the shoe. I'm still thinking of it, though.

It always helps when we try to explain to others our complex situation. Panic disorder. What is that? Are you stressed? Are you facing difficulties? It's a disorder. It should not be reacting in an orderly way. In an orderly way, we should react when there is stress, threat, etc. It's a DISORDER - meaning that there should not be a reason for it.

It's due... and I have to face it again. How long will I have to face it? I've pushed it from a few months to two years now. Should I give up the fight now?

"I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination". With that, I will now tighten my boots and prepare for battle. While I've won several battles, I've yet to win the war.

The Purpose of "Shoes"

2008-04-05T20:09:00.002+08:00

Of late, I have been wondering about the purpose of having several 'shoes'.

I realised that the constant conflict that I struggled with has been the lack of appreciating the purpose of having those 'shoes'.

It seems that in some instances, a few pairs were meant for seeking recognition. Another one or two pairs of shoes were driven by a need for achievement. While achievement could be gained through determination and some degree of sacrifices, recognition depends on how others respond to my achievements.

I have been struggling with a need for recognition and now realised that is has been the cause of my depressive mood swings and anxieties. Being clearer about my purpose for each task I undertake and redefining my source of motivation has made me fit into some of my shoes much better.

It will be tough and it will take lots of meditation and focus in changing my source of motivation.

A New Balance

2008-03-09T20:06:00.002+08:00

When it comes to shoes, my choices are very limited.

The problems I faced with my frequent ankle sprains and sore feet since 1997 may have changed the physiology of my feet and ankles.

Since 1997, my shoes have to be comfortable.

My life took a turn in 2001, and I have yet to fit into any of my "shoes" comfortably. I have experimented with different roles, identity and aspirations. So far, none seems more comforting than those "shoes" that I would wear to accompany someone else on their journey.

I had a recurrent dream when I was about 5. In this dream, I was wearing slippers which would make a particular noise with each step I took. All I could recall was picking up sticks as I moved towards a huge door that was fiery red. The door must have been huge as it could be seen from very far away.

Aside from the path I had to tread on while picking up sticks, and the door, there was nothing else but darkness and emptiness.

The only other thing I noticed was another person that seems to be competing with me in this 'race' that I have no knowledge of. As I increased my pace, this other person would do the same. When I slowed down, this person would overtake me.

In this dream, I would try as best as I could to keep ahead of this other person.

After a long journey and tirelessly picking up sticks, I reached the door that was at the end of the path. The door was enormous and it was difficult to gauge its actual height. On this fiery red door, the face of something was carved. Leading up to the door were a stairway that led first to a cauldron before we reach the foot of the door.

As I look up when the door was opening, I could see light from the other side. As I stood in awe of the sight, I turned to see the other person that was competing with me. In that instance, I saw 'me' and we were both equally shocked... it was at this moment that I would wake up screaming or with a fright...

At times, the only other competitor in our 'race' is our other 'self'. Have a new balance in life, so that we would not unnecessarily compete with our own 'selves'... we should collaborate instead.

Crossroads

2008-02-12T00:33:00.000+08:00

I begin to wonder about three types of people:

1. Those who hold the fort selflessly and do the things that mattered but received no glory.
2. Those who appear to hold the fort, excel for personal gains and clamoured for glory.
3. Those who do not appear to hold the fort, do not seem to excel and yet, are fundamental factors of change.

Somehow all three types are important for the sustainability and progress of any community. Someone has to excel in the fundamental areas, while others need to focus on how to manage and negotiate change.

The best of Eid...

2007-10-15T08:40:00.000+08:00

I had about three-quarter of a day celebrating Eid ul-Fitr - a day to mark the end of the fasting month and a triumph over my nafs - 'desires'.

For the rest of the day, up to this Monday morning, I had to spend my time in bed - to let my feet heal and to calm my nerves. Celebrations seem to overwhelm my senses and I tend to 'crack'. It does not help when a group of relatives decide to pay a visit. It was too overwhelming and I could not leave my room. I wonder if the same will occur when I 'open' my home to my friends and students this coming weekend. If I cracked, what will I do?

When I should have panicked....

2007-10-13T01:01:00.000+08:00

I met with a "near-accident" when the taxi I was in skidded while turning into the expressway where most cars would be accelerating to enter.

As the taxi drifted with the skillful defensive driving by the driver, I was bracing myself for a possible impact, establishing instantaneous appreciation of the situation, praying that my family will be taken care of if something happens to me, observing the actions of the driver and saying what could possibly be my last prayer...

...the taxi stabilised and stopped as oncoming vehicles reacted, slowed down and stopped in time.

Surprisingly, I didn't panic. I wasn't anxious and reacted as though nothing happened. When I reached my home, my heart didn't plunge, my knees didn't fumble, my hands didn't tremble and I was very very calm. My system is really haywired!!! I didn't panic when I should, and panicked when I shouldn't...

...and I'm still calm and the only anxiety I feel is from my struggles to give a fair grade to my students - the soldier says,"If they don't meet the standard...they won't get the grade!"; my mentor says,"We need to ensure that they are aware of the rationale behind their grades and we should find ways to encourage them. Giving them the benefit of the doubt won't hurt"; and my conformist says, "stick to the curve...stick to the curve!"

At least, it makes me feel like I'm in the battlefield again! This time the enemies are 'ignorance' and indifference; the objective is 'learning'; and the weapon is my heart.

Long, long time...

2007-09-23T07:40:00.001+08:00

Its' been a while since I last made an entry.

I have managed to occupy most of my life with work (not really work as I nejoy them) and initiating new projects.

I was tracked to be emplaced on a full-time work scheme and it met with a glitch. Surprisingly, I managed to prevent a possible crack from becoming a major problem for me.

It's purification time again and as I fast, I need to reflect upon how I have led my life.

I feel that I am still at the cross-roads and my values in life have persevered despite the numerous challenges that I faced.

Perseverance is a virtue that has been constantly re-affirmed with the progress that I've made. An idea that has lingered in my mind for many years now have found its grounding in my latest project - a leadership programme to provide adequate youth leadership to initiate and manage activities for their peers within a constituency.

I'm glad that three other persons with adequate leadership experiences have agreed to form the main committee to see through the implementation of this project.

I'm still having difficulty breathing due to an increased level of anxiety. However, I feel different and now it seems easier to bring the level down to a comfortable level.

Meaning of Memories

2007-08-09T01:00:00.000+08:00

When we think of those we love, what are our memories?

Do we think of them in our happy moments together, or when we overcome trials and tribulations?

What memories makes us love?

We wake up each day with only the memories of our past and a continuous appreciation of our present. We make decisions that will form our future.

At the moment of the present, what makes us love someone?

What memories make us love?

Night Assault

2007-07-05T02:46:00.000+08:00

Out of a sudden, I experienced an pre-cursor to an attack.

I wondered about the triggers and made no sense of it as yet.

There are a number of possibilities and I will take my time to sort it out. It is more important for me to be ready for classes this morning. I can't develop the insecurity or fear of leaving home.

As I write, my heart rate is picking up and I have slight difficulty in breathing.

Let's see how it goes today....

Walls Have Ears and Much More....

2007-06-26T14:54:00.000+08:00

I was thinking about building bridges. Then my thoughts get walled up... he he I started to think about walls.

What's with walls? We build them to either keep people out or in. We build them to keep us safe or keep us form harm. Psychologically, walls give us a sense of security.

In a city I visited, the wealthier the residents, the higher the walls of a housing complex. Here, condominiums have walls while our public housings do not.

Some places express their "open culture" by not having walls.

We have broken down walls as much as building one to separate.

What can walls really do? They have not helped the victims of the last major tsunami... they give false sense of security as we can never be assured that our walls are thick enough, strong enough, or tall enough.

Whenever we face a wall, we can either stop, climb over it or break through the wall. Sitting on it will not do much as we may be at the higher ground but which ground can we make a difference in? The wall itself reflect the existence of two sides that are separated. Sitting on the wall reinforces the position of that wall.

Of all the walls, the walls of ignorance and bigoted truism may be the hardest to break and it exist in most of us...

Getting All Drained

2007-06-26T14:48:00.000+08:00

I have been trying to figure out the reasons underlying my tiredness and headaches...

I reached one possible reason - my system is working on overdrive to sustain and maintain an acceptable composure to ensure that my anxieties are channeled appropriately and that my thoughts do not get into a spiral.

I realised that I have been able to have greater focus in my work, but couldn't figure out what is draining me out?

I do not have much space and time to allow lag time for my anxieties to be expended. No more time to warm-up or prep against a cold-start. Now, its up and go!

I feel the need to paint... it has become an urge... better get to it before it becomes an obsession...

I can see what's at work here... transference...

HOME

2007-06-03T14:09:00.001+08:00

From Katharine McPhee:

Does anybody know what it's like
To feel larger than life
To look deep in your soul
And know you're not alone
Does anybody know how it feels
To find something that's real
And make it your own
That's when you know that you found home
Home
You found home

From Daughtry:

I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home

From Michael Buble:

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Who am I?

2007-06-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

I thought that I had passed the crossroads. Then, I realised that I was still wallowing at the corner of the junction, stuck in a day dream or probably deluded by the rush of academic euphoria.

Suddenly, something hit my head. I looked up and saw that one of the signs had dropped. I wondered how that sign will fit to the post. Was it pointing to this way or that? I can't remember.

It was only yesterday that the signs were clear. I knew that it pointed to one possible path that I could take. Now that the sign has dropped, I could not figure out where the sign was pointing to. I am lost again! I can either guess where the direction is or take the lead from the rest that hangs on the post. Although I have not considered these destinations previously, they are more reassuring.

At least the direction is clear and I know where each path will lead me to. If only I took some time to remember the direction clearly, I would be stuck at the crossroads.

I've wallowed for too long. While I would want to curse and swear at the sign that dropped on my head or stomp on it, how could I? It was a good knock in the head.

I guess I am back to "Never good enough!" But this time, I'm too tired to prove them wrong! I'm tired of being moulded. I'm tired of meeting expectations. I'm tired... it's time to go HOME......

3 Strikes and You Are OUT!!????... huh???

2007-06-01T09:41:00.000+08:00

I have had three major blows recently.

The first questioned my capacity to be part of an elite service.

The second questioned my years of service to the community.

The third questioned my insights, analysis and research capacities relevant to the academic field.

If this was a game, I have had three strikes and I should be OUT. Thankfully, that's not the case.

I have wrote in my previous entries about my need to re-assess my benchmarks. I will be doing so.

Frankly, I'm glad that I have these setbacks. The fact that I have not cracked despite these setbacks showed that I'm on track- I'm not OUT.

It's heartening to hear further encouragements from friends. Their stances may differ but I guess their objectives are clear. I hope to re-assure these good friends of mine that I am not disturbed by these setbacks. It only spurns me to be much better than anything else.

Then, I began thinking about my darling wife's reminder to me- "You can't be good in everything." I see lots of sense in those words.

I will be taking a back-seat for a while and build on things that I truly believe in and see value in its growth. I've learnt that accolades (including academic certification) need not be a motivation for inspiration, innovation and compassion. I will simply rely on my intuition, resolve and tenacity...

Empowered...but Breakaway!

2007-05-29T08:44:00.000+08:00

I feel empowered today... somehow I see a different light in the morning sun.

A new day...what a cliche!

Anyway, I got some creative juices flowing this morning and managed the following lines:

BREAKAWAY

I want to breakaway

From the chains that bind

From the knotted twine

From the blinding sign

A sparkle I see

A twinkle of inspiration

A drop of speculation

A sunken frustration

What strengths have I

What will to draw

What drive to spur

What fuel to feed

A mind that anchors

A hand that ponders

A heart that whispers

A gut that squanders

I want to breakaway

From the moulds that grind

From the masked wine

From the deafening <...>

Sorry, another unfininshed piece...the juices leaked somewhere... eeek!

For the PRIZEor the RACE?

2007-05-28T08:35:00.000+08:00

"Never good enough!" became "You're good, but still not good enough!"

It's an accomplishment but still something that I need to work at.

Growing up without much of a role model, I had to establish my own milestones and benchmarks.

My major milestones have been marked by my mother who chose not to identify them, but left it to my own devices and interpretations on what they were.

It was only recently that I understood my mom's need to set mysterious milestones for me. Having facilitated classes based on the Problem-Based Learning approach, I've seen how my life has been shaped by much of the problems that I faced, challenged and overcame. Reminds me of a creed I once recited.... "I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination..."

Back to the title of this entry... the Prize or the Race...

I seem to enjoy the journey and find that the Prize is too much of a bother and sometimes a distraction. I hate competitions and tend to wish for a win-win, everyone wins solutions. I had ranking as it emphasises one attribute or value above another. Hence, I find no pleasure in seeing LIFE as a race with a prize.

To me, its a journey worth stopping along the way to smell the roses!

Pushing the boundaries... again!

2007-05-14T07:34:00.000+08:00

I've been pre-occupied with my new routine. Doing something that I enjoy most.

Once in a while, I hit a snag. I would want to give all my students good grades, but doing so will make my grades worth much less.

Anyway, I'm cracking again. Probably it's the 40th day ritual for my 'father' that is bugging me. It brings back all the happiness, frustrations and mostly disappointments as I grew up. At a vulnerable period such as this, I am not able to have one of the few things that can keep my system functioning at its peak.

I have a craving and it has become a need, a necessity. I am not able to forcibly have it, or get it from somewhere else. It has to be given with in its pure form. It has become a need, as without it, I will begin to crack. And now I'm cracking. If I don't get it soon, I will crack and there goes my new career.... and the vicious cycle continues.... success breeds success.... but failure (not here...there's no room for failures...) means the end!!!

What is the threshold?

2007-04-19T12:53:00.000+08:00

I finally cracked last night. I was overwhelmed by grief.

It took me almost 12 days to finally realise that I have loss someone who has been an important feature of my life.

I cracked and realised that my threshold has been expanded to quite an extent.

I find it interesting to experience a re-learning of my experiences and having a deeper understanding of myself, especially in unravelling "Who am I?"

"What makes a man?" and "Who am I?" seem to be my pre-occupation these days. And I wonder "Why?"

What Makes a Man?

2007-04-08T17:00:00.000+08:00

My 'father' once said that a man is one who has achieved the capacity to not only fend for himself, but also his parents, especially his mother. He should not start his own family until he can comfortably support his parents.

I saw through my 'father's' last rites today. He became my 'father' because he was responsible for financing my upbringing. Through his sponsorship, I managed to complete my education up to junior college. He stopped providing for me when I completed my A Levels as he felt that it was time for me to fend for myself.

I went through NS mostly on my own allowances, courtesy of the armed forces. Although I gained entry into a few universities in the UK, I could not afford fees, etc. Hence, I took a military scholarship, bu t it was my mother's tears which prevented me from leaving this island in 1993 to pursue a double degree in economics and geography at the University of Sheffield. In the end, I spent my undergraduate years at the local university.

In memory of my 'father' I shall again dedicate a space for him. May his generosity be remembered through my continued service to the community and more so about how the unknown gesture of a Man led to the development of a driven activist who hopes to make the world a better place.

Al Fateha....

What makes a man?

2007-03-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

Some say, it takes money (the right amount) in order to make a man... to make a man who could rule and govern a nation to success. But what will be in that man, whose value is based on money which is arbitrary, virtual and highly dependent on how we perceive its value.

A friend once tore a currency note in front of me. I wondered, that money could buy me lunch. He says the note when torn into pieces had no value for its torn pieces unless they are attached together. Next, he showed me a piece of gold coin. He says that if he were to do the same to the coin, i.e. break it into pieces, each broken piece will continue to have its value. In that 'magic' show, he expressed the need to revert back to gold and silver forms of money so that the poor will not be affected by currency fluctuations and all their earnings will be worth their weight in gold.

From that anecdote I recall my mom's practice of buying gold bracelets which she will wear on the forearm. When the family income is good, she will have two rows of it on her left and right arms. When the family economy took a dive, she would pawnt he bracelets or sell them for cash. People like her resisted the financial markets in their own way. In the event of a crisis in which the value of currencies can take a nose dive, she still have her gold to make ends meet.

I should start investing in gold now... and if our leaders are worth their weight in gold, I wonder... What makes a man?

The Tip of the Iceberg?

2007-03-21T08:36:00.000+08:00

Every time I have a bad cough that does not seem to go away after few days worries me. Since 2001, a bad cough is not a bad cough. Its a harbinger of possible relapse.

Historical precedence has shown such a relationship... i.e. bad cough could be psychosomatic ( a retired psychiatrist from the US with more than 25 years of practice has shared with me that he find no evidence to support the claims for psychosomatic responses... i.e. 1+1 is not equal to 2!)and is a sign that I have cracked and the inevitable is about to happen.

Historical precedence seem to govern much of our lives. We were 'taught' not to incite inter-ethnic differences as such actions will lead to riots. We were 'convinced' (really??!) that as citizens, we need to tighten our belt so that our future is secured... but today was yesterday's future and nothing seems to have launched into something wondrous!

Anyway, the folly of experience is the lack of wisdom to assess the validity of historical precedence. We tend to establish relationships among factors which appear obvious to us and conveniently 'forget' about other possibilities. Then, through the reinforcement of such relationships rather than a fresh assessment of events, we establish precedences... The same manner in which our body system evolves and we call this 'reflex'.

In my current predicament, is the bad cough the tip of the iceberg... the harbinger of possible relapse. What seems to be the root of the impending relapse if its to come? The last time I checked, it was a sense of betrayal.... Ok, why do I feel betrayed?.... Could not seem to find the root for the current build-up.

In dealing with A/PD (anxiety/panic disorder), it is always important to negotiate with the root issue. No medication or therapy can be meaningful without reaching into and bringing out for negotiation the root issue. I use 'negotiation' and stress upon it as an issue which have become one of the roots for A/PD are usually complex and cannot be resolved. It has to be negotiated.

Such issues are usually important and form the fundamental basis for a person's existence. (oops... wandering into the third person reference... begin to sound like someone I know...) Hence, it should not be removed but new meaning must be attached to such issues which can be described more as sentiments.... the emotional wiring...

I grew up facing several issues of loyalty at various levels and circumstances. My loyalty(s) have been questioned, tested, misinterpreted and misrepresented. And with loyalty is trust, confidence, sacrifice, service, compensation, recognition, perseverance, endeavour, compassion, passion, fervour, .... and the expected return- reciprocation. When this equation does not balance... it fires rage, anger, vengeance, anarchy... or in the Malay World- running amok... mengamuk...

Overcome The Pain, Moving On

2007-03-19T14:22:00.000+08:00

(From http://www.homestead.com/robertgschwartz/page8.html)

I strained my heel during last Friday's game of badminton. It hurt over the weekend.

It slipped my mind to take jamu as preventive measure. I finally took my dose of jamu on Saturday and Sunday. The heel felt better today, but hurt when I attempted to add pressure to my feet.

As I had to spend whatever available time I have now for gym workouts and swims, I pushed myself to walk to the gym. Walking to the gym saves me transport cost and presents itself as a good warm-up so that I can immediately hit the routine when I arrived at the gym.

The walk was painful, but I had to push beyond the pain barrier so that other parts of my feet will not be overstrained as my body activates its compensation mechanism. As I walked on as per normal, the pain in the heel begin to subside and I gained strength from each full step I took without compensation to my overstrained heel.

Overcoming the initial pain allowed me to move on... in the similar manner that I've overcome the initial cold starts that had prevented me from getting out of bed and mellowing in the doldrums of depression and the high-strung jitters of anxiety.

This experience brings forth the question of "What is Pain?" Is it a warning, an inhibition or a precaution? To each situation, its own, and the power of the mind can make a difference. Is it fighting spirit that made me constantly push the barrier or has it been pure stupidity? It's a thin line, but what the heck... no pain no gain!

Dreams...

2007-03-16T07:06:00.000+08:00

From http://www.mackaycartoons.net/

I started dreaming about a past/parrallel life.

I was putting on my boots again.

In my dream, I was talking to a group of students when I noticed a soldier getting out of a bus that was parked opposite where I was. Somehow, I felt the need to approach the soldier and I did. When I reached near the bus, I was given the usual salute and greetings from the soldier and he handed me a letter. I was supposed to be shipped somewhere and the soldiers in the bus are members of my new unit, to be placed under my command. I was only to be given less than a day to see my family for the last time before I will be shipped to some unknown location for an unknown period of time....then I woke up.

This dream bears similar features to the dreams I had when my disorder and ankle injury got the better of me. In one of the more unforgettable dreams, I was travelling in a chartered plane that was destined for an overseas training. Along the way, the plane crashed and I was among the survivors. Apparently the commander of the unit died in the crash and the remaining leader of the unit request that I become their new commander. Before I woke up, I could remember crying and shouting that I could no longer be a commander due to my condition. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Although it has been almost six years that I was a full-fledged officer, remnants of a sense of loss opportunities continue to 'haunt' me in my dreams. Usually, the appearance of such a dream signals to me an internal struggle dealing with uncertainty. In my mind, I have sought the sanctity of a secured past that was more certain. While I would be reminded of that lost opportunity in the past, now I see it as a warning of possible internal conflicts which may trigger another possible relapse.

The soldier in me fights on... "I overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination"...

Its Coming Back Again...

2007-03-14T07:41:00.000+08:00

I have a GOOD start to 2007... having completed my much awaited thesis, prospects of a new profession, my programmes firmly established, get to enjoy a weekly badminton session, maintain a good frequency of workouts and swims, helping out to train a new school rugby team, secured a willing supervisor for my PhD....

But somehow, I could feel IT attempting to creep back into my life... I wake up with an unusual tinge of anxiety that appears to build up these past few days...

Although I feel that I am in much better control, with the workouts, games and swims, I could sense a cocktail of tinges of fear, anxiety and depression popping up now and then. I could whisk it away as fast as it came, but I kept wondering about how much I've been through and how much more should I be enduring THIS. It's getting tiresome and frankly, boring!

Similarly, I am getting numb with all these recent discussions about the budget... there was a forum again last night. I was occupied with another function to attend yet another cascade briefing rather than a FEEDBACK session on the latest Budget.

More than a decade of such interactions informed me that it's more of equipping the powers that be with more possible reactions to have excuses for... I'm still holding on the idea that the garmen has a book called "1001 Excuses for Effective Administration- A Guide Book for Public Administration". I am also waiting for the publication of the book- "How to get the most out of your citizens".

Retribution or Redistribution?

2007-03-12T12:14:00.000+08:00

I was cheated today... of about $7. In a few months time, $7 will be the GST for any $100 purchase... $7 can buy me a nice meal with a second can of drinks... or it can take me on a taxi ride to IKEA... or almost a kilo of fresh beef from the market... or a week's supply of galangal to be made into beras kencur... but is $7 worth sulking for... to some yes, to others its probably peanuts...

In my haste to get a pair of badminton rackets for my daughters... I was offered a special price set of two rackets for $26, instead of purchasing two junior ones for $12.90 each. Later, when I returned home, I checked the papers only to realise that the same set is now sold for $19.90 a pair with two shuttlecocks F.O.C.

I have two choices... accept the loss or return the rackets for a refund... but I have a problem... I was not given a receipt. I heard that in some countries it is an offence for shops not to issue receipts. To go to the shop again will cost me almost the same amount of loss- both in monetary and opportunity costs.

And even if I managed to get back my loss, I would have not gained anything but the satisfaction of attaining 'justice'. Some say its not the cost or the price but the principles. However, I've learnt in numerous occassions that principles (such as hope) cannot feed you. It's money that feeds, especially on this small capitalist island. To get monetary benefits, you first need to deposit money... to those who really needs money, I wonder if they do get their share of the benefits...

I can see it in another way in which the additional $7 that the shop took from me goes into the slow process of income redistribution... or subsidises the increase in GST for the shopowner and his very effective salesperson who sold me that set of rackets (That guy should get a bonus!)

Or I can apply my usual method of seeking divine retribution for those who cheats... it may be pure coincidence that such individuals or companies who had done so in the past are in pretty bad shape... some of them do not exist anymore (the companies I mean)...

...but then again, it may be done without malicious intent and I have only myself to blame for not becoming a more discerning consumer. As self-blame seems to be the norm these days, I might as well join in the forray. In this island, if you do not succeed, you only have yourselves to blame.

This episode see the return of a part of me that had hibernated for a long time- the compulsive and hasty shopper...

Arrogance or Confidence?

2007-03-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

I shared with some students about my experience with panic disorder and spending time at the hospital. One of them shared that she had gone through an episode of depression and was cutting herself. She confidently asserted that she had managed to get herself out of depression and felt stronger from the experience.

I could sense some degree of arrogance within her 'shield' of confidence. I began to wonder if I had exude the same sense of pride and achievement in overcoming my depression and panic disorder- and probably the same arrogance.

It was that arrogance that could have compelled me to demonstrate the proper way of passing the ball during rugby training. Since a few weeks ago, I had been assisting with the set-up of the first ever rugby team in a school.

I wonder if its the arrogance and over-confidence which caused me to attempt to run and caused tremendous pain in my feet, ankle, calf, knee and thighs. Or was it the impetus to lead by example that compelled me to show rather than tell the boys how to pass the ball... either way I'm more aware now of the limitations that I really have....

While attempting to catch the ball while running, I tripped... my instinct was to continue running to prevent the fall, but my ankle locked itself, thereby not allowing me to slowly break the fall.... I caught the ball but fell forward... it hurt termendously and I'm not sure if I can join the badminton game tomorrow...

I tried playing badminton with my daughter and it went well...

Passing on the Light...

2007-03-02T09:32:00.000+08:00

I conducted a workshop yesterday to a group of 120 students attempting their GCE O Levels this year.

Shared with them mu story and the stories of my friends who have a list of achievements, but it does not seem to excite the students.... Later, their interest picked up only when I shared with them how my D, D, F grades for Prelim became an A, B, A for the GCE A Level exams...

Although some research have shown that students would be more inclined to be attentive when a talk or workshop is delivered by someone who has made achievements, it is more effective if the trainers or speaker showed that they are also 'human' and not 'super-human'... students seem to be put-off by 'super-humans' and over-achievers.

I've decided to forego assessing my effectiveness from the Feedback forms... it was more than worthwhile to have a teacher asking me advice for her own plans in the future and a bunch of students who continue to hang around and kept asking questions about their life, plans, ambitions, etc... and also about why one of them kept crying... and none of them know me two hours earlier!

Not So Comfy Fit

2007-02-15T08:23:00.000+08:00

I had to swim without my goggles yesterday after the badminton work-out.

It was scary as my heart rate picked up and I was engulfed with fear midway. I was glad that I made it to the end of the pool without getting a full-blown panic attack.

However, I did not leave the pool but remained in water and did some breathing exercise to calm my nerves...

(Pic from http://www12.nrk.no/ )

Comfy Fit

2007-02-15T08:20:00.000+08:00

Had a wonderful time playing badminton yesterday.

It was a comfortable fit into the badminton shoes.

Did not expect my ankle to withstand the impact necessary for badminton.

My ankle and foot did not ache like it used to this morning.

So, it's a good start and I will trying on more shoes....Hmmm... thinking of rugby boots...

Moved On...

2007-02-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I sensed the cracks or jitters. My leg feels fine and seems stronger.

I tripped and sprained my ankle a few times in the past weeks, but it did not swell like before. It still hurts and the joint felt inflexible - tight and stiff.

I started working out again and hope that this time, it will be maintained.

I attended a BOS last night. BOS- Business Opportunity Seminar. This BOS was marketing an educational product - a disguised MLM scheme selling training and educational packages.
I was taken by its advertisement of making a difference in someone else's life and being personally mentored by an established "Young Millionaire Mentor". But, what a disappointment!

Nothing much was mentioned about their commitment to make life better. Instead, it was a sales pitch to recruit distributors in MLM lingo. Then I realised something... has it been bad for the company such that they need to market so profusely. If they had claimed that their programmes had benefited 120,000 students, parents, teachers, trainers, etc..wouldn't that track record make it cheaper for them to market by word-of-mouth? Perhaps at about $2,000 for a 5 days camp, its not easy to get participants.

And the claim that we can be millionaires in ten years... of course with this scheme, its possible. At about $2000 per participant, a reasonable camp of 80 participants will fetch $160,000. Conduct a few runs and you will be a millionaire in ten years!

Anonymous

2007-01-28T10:02:00.000+08:00

Anonymity seems to provide us with the "protection" we need for something that we all cherish - our identity.

Who we are... What we do... What we stand for... How we lead our lives...

I used to be perturbed by comments that would have gotten on my nerves, but not anymore.

'Shoes' are metaphors, and references made are metaphysical...

Some shoes can be bought, like someone suggested, but not all shoes are for sale.

If only I could WALK, but I can't. Well, I'll pray that someone will never be in my SHOES. It would have been one painful, agonizing, frightening tripidation.

But that someone is probably so full of angst that I have become concerned. For that is a sign that someone is on the brink of being in my SHOES. I sound like that once, but got on with life. But being sinister, let me Welcome you in advance to a world of fears, nightmares, isolation, discrimination... then we'll see if its as simple as getting a new SHOE.

Get on with it!

2007-01-25T07:26:00.000+08:00

I could not imagine that I last this long in blogworld... just as I did not expect to leave active service with the Army... nor complete my thesis....

...but somehow it all happened.

I guess APD sufferers have to deal with 'cold starts' in the morning and prep themselves to start the day on the right side of the bed... wait, left side?... no, right (as in correct) side of the bed.

For the past several years, I was apprehensive that mental reconfiguration would help as the brain/mind would be aware of the deception. Usually its the brain/mind tag-team that is deluding the entire system.

This morning, I tried it out of desperation. I need to have my life back! I need to be the person I meant to be... not this fear fearing panic panicky and anxious anxiety person! (But I do like that ff, pp and aa person - he is overflowing with creative juices, not such an a@#$%^e , more forgiving, more relaxed , etc...)

Anyway, I could wake up today without having to drag myself out of bed! That's an achievement, I move out of my safety zone by choice and not having to deal with cold starts. But, now I'm feeling the cracks.

Guess, I have to hold on tight now....

Stiff Neck...Not Again

2007-01-22T09:35:00.000+08:00

I almost had a stiff neck again!

But this time, I'm fully aware that its an impending anxiety build-up. I assessed my situation and reason/rationalise the list of possible triggers.

Soon, the stiff neck begin to relax...

When we begin to understand the signs and signals that our body presents to us, we can manage anxiety build-up and prevent possible attacks. Knowing and appreciating the signs and signals alone are not enough. We need to understand that each episode have a trigger(s).

Our system responds to threat. For us, who has anxiety/panic disorder, it include abstract forms of threat that may not have direct impact on us but perhaps much later indirect impacts. In my experience, when I am able to rationalise those perceived threats or prepare myself to face them, my anxieties often dissipate.

But, as with all disorders, it does not work all the time, but most of the time. That's the reason for calling it a "disorder"...

Perfection

2007-01-18T04:44:00.000+08:00

I received my students' feedback about my tutoring. I scored an average of 4.0 out of a score of 5.0 but I was disturbed with the negative comments.

It was not so much about the negative comments, but the need to be 'perfect'. I realised that I tend to look for the flaws, shortcomings, imperfections, etc and not appreciating the good things. Its draining my energy and causing unnecessary anxieties.

My psychiatrist once commented that perfectionists are prone to anxiety/panic disorders. Its reasonable as we are picky about very small things. I recall spending time on a poster using Photoshop and adjusting to the pixel the alignment of the text and other elements.

But, what is perfect? When we consider perfection, what are we really thinking about? Symmetry, flawlessness, consistency, smoothness, ...?

When we fear we cannot achieve perfection, we procrastinate, keep it away, far far away.

Perhaps, learning to let go. Learning to be happy with the good things of what we have and not be too pre-occupied with what we are short of, what we are lacking, will make us more perfect. But again, what is perfection?

Its Finally Done!

2007-01-12T22:50:00.000+08:00

After 3 and half years, the child is born!

Finally, 39753 words and 196 pages, its done!

I'm done. So, what do I do now? At least before today, I was comfortable being a graduate student... now, I add one more to the government's stats for the unemployed.

So its mass mailing time... no fuss... even when I feel duped.
I recall growing up with the constant barrage of the importance of being an all-rounder - a generalist. Now, most employers look for sepcialists and leverage on power teams.

When I signed my life away, the phrase was "When you are made in the Army, you're made for life!" Well, some life! Well-trained but the industry got a bit different! Everything requires certification now. It means a boom for the education and training industry, but also for publishers, bookstores, printing firms, computer retailers, software, internet subscriptions, etc....

Amazing how certification can develop an entire industry!

I've got most of what I need to reflect my capacities and capabilities, but the reality is that I have yet to obtain a mental health certification. To certify that I am anxiety- and panic-free!
maybe I should initiate this certification and reap profits from being the pioneer.

2007-01-08T12:48:00.000+08:00

Grading papers while on fieldwork helps me occupy waiting time.

Feeling edgy today... wondering what's the cause.

My hear is pumping much faster today, and I'm feeling a tinge of fear- fear of leaving my sanctuary- my home. In the past, I could not pass beyond my bedroom door! So now I've expanded the sanctuary to my entire house. I should work towards expanding it to the entire neighbourhood!

I'm nearing the end of my journey precisely this week. Supposed to be today that I will submit my thesis, but I had bad days over the weekend. My frontal lobe felt congested and I could not think clearly to write in the last section. My heart beat had picked up pace, and I felt so uncomfortable outside my sanctuary.

It was a feat the past few weeks... starting off at about 23,000 words when I began seriously writing and hitting past 58,000 words last week. By my final meeting with my Supervisor, I had reduced it to about 41,300 words. Where did the 16,000 words go? I don't know!

A Page from the Past: 1 Jan 2003

2007-01-07T22:37:00.000+08:00

In this New Year of 2003, I aim to reduce the frequency of panic episode to one a month.

My plans for the future has stabilised...

The episodes I experience these days are mild and involve a lingering sensation of fear.

During an acupuncture treatment, I almost developed a fear of needles and pain. I need the acupuncture to ease the pain in my ankle and foot. It's better than pain killers.

At the end of the road...

2006-12-29T00:09:00.000+08:00

I am more confident of of facing the inevitable... standing at the crossroads, wondering where to go. I've reached the end of my journey; discovered new places, spaces and faces.

I wonder where I will be in a weeks' time? in a month? in a year?

Opportunities abound but what of the chances?

A sense of fear is creeping out, I might be cracking... my thigh muscles getting tight again.

I'm keeping anxiety & panic at bay as I've started a new hobby.

New Hobby

2006-12-27T15:55:00.000+08:00

My wife introduced me to a new hobby recently like fish to water.

Through her brief introduction, I developed an interest in the making of wire jewellery.

The hobby requires patience, which tests my anxiety levels. Good to try!

I've moved my designs to a new blog site... www.purplegold.blogspot.com

Flight

2006-12-19T00:28:00.000+08:00

It beckons to me
By day and night

It is neither moral nor amoral
It is neither good nor evil

It creeps and haunts
It pounces and taunts

Lifeless days and sleepless nights
On a non-stop flight

* Entered on 2 Jun 2002. I was describing the nature of anxiety attacks.

Prayer

2006-12-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

The sweet melody of prayer
Beckons my soul, desire
Awaken O sleepy one
Embrace LIFE with fire!

Let shadows dance
While flame flutters
Let not the winds of change
Douse all that matters

In the ashes of lost
I beseech O Lord
Conjure thy wrath!
I wait with open heart!

*This was entered in my journal on 14 May 2002.

Page from the past...

2006-12-19T00:16:00.000+08:00

16 dec 02:
I'm feeling much better. The last episode (mild) was on 15 Dec in the
morning. Coping very well with minimal medication.

My future seems set.

Being a MA student with NUS...

*That was four years ago and now I'm in the process of completing my M.A. at NUS. How time flies...

Today

2006-12-14T12:22:00.000+08:00

I keep having a sense that today is special or that something is supposed to be happening. A meeting? A gathering? A submission deadline? A celebration? A birthday?

But I can't remember what it is.

14 December 2006. It looks special to me, but what?

14122006? 141206? 121406? Beats me! Cracking my head too much to figure this out.

Special days. What are they? When I wake up, it seems like any other day... like New Years Day, Chinese New Year Day, Deepavali, Christmas... and yet someone do find these days special. I know Hari Raya is special as I have to attend prayers at the mosque in the morning... I know birthdays are special as I have to figure out what gifts or surprises to get. Other than that a special or holy day is what we make out of it.

I have my good days and not-so-good days. The good days are always special as I can lead a comfortable life without anxiety or panic.

The other type are those that I dread yet find them special as it makes me realise that all the good things are worth living for.

I went to VivoCity/HarbourFront again last evening. Its a convenient place to do banking and pay bills as all the banks I've accounts with are there. But after an hour, I started yawning.

Getting out of breadth again! What luck! Today I'm fine... breathing under control... anxiety in check... so its a special day! Time to celebrate!

Back from the ISLAND

2006-12-08T14:55:00.000+08:00

Just got back from a trying and tiring week.

Spent most of the week on the road...

Friday: Singapore-Jakarta by air, Jakarta-Yogyakarta by train.

Saturday: Yogyakarta-Solo-Yogykarta by mini-van ('travel').

Sunday: Yogyakarta-Solo by 'travel'.

Monday: Solo-Yogyakarta by 'travel'.

Tuesday-Wednesday: Yogyakarta-Jakarta by 'travel', Jakarta-Singapore by air, airport to home by taxi, home to chalet by taxi (total travelling: 30 hours).

I had a slight increase in anxiety during flights but otherwise I was calm most of the time.

Reject #647984501

2006-12-01T03:08:00.000+08:00

One of my poster designs for my exhibition which was rejected.

I may use it for my thesis cover.

"Birth"

2006-12-01T02:50:00.000+08:00

This is one of two drawings I did within 4 hours at the height of one anxiety rush.

"BIRTH" (2005)

Its actually about a pregnant woman and the life she bears within her.

The Malay word for woman- perempuan- is derived from the word 'empu' which can be appreciated as the 'bearer' or 'creator'.

Flying Away

2006-12-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

I will be flying... not out of the window, of course.

Such a proposition was enticing once, but not anymore. I experienced and understood the allure of the open window, saw the 'serenity' outside the window, but managed to remain anchored to life.

I chose life...despite its sufferings- for its pain, sorrow, loneliness, fear, and all the other 'negative' emotions/sensations make life more meaningful.

So, when I do laugh, I do it with a sense of gratitude.

When I smile, it's not happiness but an appreciation for the good things in life.

I'm flying, not out of the window, but to the island of green fields- the patchwork of padi fields to be precise- JAVA.

I will be there for about 6 days- a day short of a week.

Yesterday, I was uncomfortable ( and fearful) to be in my own living room and this morning, I will be sitting in a flight to Java. Amazing but true!

Life has to go on... I've work to do and the trip cannot be postponed.

I will be flying.

Cracking Up II

2006-11-30T03:00:00.000+08:00

Picture from www.tylergore.com/words/epiphany.html

Almost could not make it.

Getting out of breadth. Feeling uncomfortable in my own living room. Feeling afraid to get out of the house. Feeling numb and not able to do much. Keeping still, afraid that any movement might cause a psychosomatic strain on my leg, back, neck, stomach...

I started to feel tingling in my thighs, cramp in my left feet, numbness in the last three fingers of my left hand, slight contractions in my neck, choking on my own saliva...

My wife brought me out.

We went to VivoCity... What a crowd... When I reached there and could not find her, I had my back to the wall, kept my eyes on the floor so that I don't see the crowd. She got lost. I had to find her. Natural instinct took over...

I had to 'save' my wife.

I was prepared. I had three layers of clothings. Of course, I had my 'safety' jacket on. I grab on to something in my hands. Clenched fist, ready to defend myself. I had to create the physical posture of being able to defend myself.

I was in a bubble. I seem to float as I make my way to where my wife said she was waiting. I found her, but she just too far. I have to make it to her. She saw me and I made my way down knowing that she would follow me. I need to be directed. She did. We went for dinner.

I had a comforting time. We talked, joked and I laughed. All the while looking around me. Scanning the crowd. Paranoia... I dont know. I felt slightly comforted.

We walked awhile. She suggested the bookstore. What a move... my comfort zone... books...

At the end of the evening, I felt much better. Confronted the crowd, but felt so tired... like always... the fight wears me out... a battle I fight everyday and I thought I had left the army!

Join the Army and you're made for life... I guess that's why I battled on... but I'm getting tired of fighting... too many open wounds...

And my wife's the medic for today! like always... she's my nightingale.

Cracking Up

2006-11-28T07:38:00.000+08:00

I am afraid... a sense of fear is engulfing me.

First it starts with a discomfort.
Among crowds. Under the microscope. Being looked at.
Then, comes the lost of breadth in these situations.

I've been yawning very hard again these few days.
Going out is making me tired. It's taking too much energy. It's wearing me out.

Keeping still at home makes me feel safe, but I've work to do. I've got to break this chain.
I'm 'cracking up'. What do I do? Deep breathing. Perhaps, go for a swim later.

It's been a while since I went swimming. Swimming keeps me maintain some form of stability. It's the combination of exercise and deep breathing that will be helpful. I should go for a swim today, but first I need to 'warm-up', so that I don't feel so afraid leaving home.

Stiff Neck... Again!

2006-11-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

What a setback!

Just when I was progressing well with my thesis and some work.... I got the stiff neck again!

This time, I became proactive and took precautions. I cancelled or postponed all my meetings... inform those concerned of my condition and took some medication to relax my muscles. It worked. No contractions, just muscle tiredness.

I guess I did not eat well enough when I took the jamu. I developed heartburn and hiccups... not to worry... I can handle that.

I became worried when I started to be uncomfortable in a crowd area. It's coming back to me again. In such a situation, my action would be- look down, don't look into the crowd; look at a familiar face- my wife. My hands are not tingling- i.e. no 'chills', so I'm safe. It's just minor 'cracks'. After a while, I'm back to 'normal'. To be safe, better get out of the place... so I told my wife about my discomfort and off we went--home!

It was actually a little bit too much today. Based on my assessment, I could not be out of the house to more than one place. I could only afford a place. But I can't let the condition control my life. So, I attempted to push it. Almost paid the price for it. Alhamdullillah, I managed not to 'crack'.

Learning As We Go Along

2006-11-24T17:28:00.000+08:00

I've just learnt how to upload pictures. Didn't realise there's a picture insert button on the control panel above the post editing page.

Most times, we tend to see only what we want to. I did not intend to upload pictures until recently, to add some 'colour' to my otherwise 'plain' text.

Billistone (1986) who wrote Power of Symbols contrasted the symbolic to the literal and the describing the latter as 'plain'. So , I thought that since I've used 'codes' in a manner similar to symbols, I could add on to my 'literal' texts and use photos.

These photos are of the museum's gallery before and after it was open for use. This gallery has been designated for temporary exhibitions. Anyway, the second photo shows my exhibition on the research I did for my thesis.

I managed to put up an exhibition based on an incomplete thesis. I tend to wonder what I'll be able to do with a complete one-- get it published perhaps!

Again, people only see what they are aware of seeing or know what to see. When I began working on my exhibition, skeptics abound... "How can you do it? You've not completed your thesis?...Are you sure?"

But I was sure; and sure enough I managed to put up the exhibition with "half a cup full". Others see my work as "half a cup empty". It also shows that despite my 'conditions', we can do things...

That's how I' ve been seeing my condition- as "half a cup full" and that I'm halfway there and have lots of potential to fill the cup. Sometimes, filling the cup halfway is tough enough when there's lost of panic to deal with, and the constant work to keep it that way... 'panic at bay'.

So, to the rest of the world out there, give us a break... every effort we make to fill the cup and do something beyond maintaining our stability is more work than a 'normal' person would need to do.

We are 'NORMAL' but in a different sort of way. What we need to do is to tap into what's left of our old self and build on what we've gained from the experience.

For me, it's the creative juices that flowed when I'm in a high state of anxiety; and the assurance that I still have my intellectual capacity and drive to do what I have done, again! What's yours?

Special Mention

2006-11-23T13:58:00.000+08:00

For today's post, I want to dedicate this space to my wife.

As of today, we have been married for 10 wonderful years and three beautiful daughters to show for it.

I've known her for thirteen years and she has been at my side all this while, even when I am at my worst state of alternating between cries and laughter at the same time. I can't imagine what it might have been for her to see her once assertive-confident-(probably arrogant) man become this whining-weak-useless man who cries and cries and laugh at the same time.

It was hard for her in the beginning and it took time for her to develop an understanding. But from then on, she has been very close by my side and I've never felt alone. (Sometimes I do, but its psychological. It's the disorder... blame the disorder...not me... it... it!)

She is my wings, my wind, the ground I walk on, and the anchors of my sanity... and there are several songs I could sing to her to express how I feel! But that's for her to listen to... (actually, I don't know how to insert music yet and in lazy mood to type in all the lyrics. easier to play the cd for her later...)

Anyway, I would like to share with you the importance of having someone close know what's going on with you. I took my wife to see the psychiatrist during one of my appointments and my condition and disorder was explained to her.

She gave me the space I needed... I really need more space as I gained 30kg (still not able to shed them) the year I had depression and anxiety disorder.

She learnt my body language... like when I begin to shake my feet furiously whenever an attack launches itself.... or when she wakes up to see me wrapped in my blanket...

She understands my codes... (see earlier posts)

To my sayang, I love you always...

Facing Fear

2006-11-22T10:04:00.000+08:00

After a meeting yesterday, I decided to take a walk along Orchard Road. There was quite a crowd walking from Ngee Ann City to Wheelock Place with a frequency of 2 to 3 people passing me every two steps I took.

It was a leisurely walk and nice weather- not too humid. Then, I felt the chills. I still feel them whenever I face an oncoming crowd. But its much better now.

When I was at the height (or doldrums) of my condition, I will immediately 'crack' and have a 'panic attack' the moment I see an oncoming crowd. I feel suffocated and will begin hyperventilating. In the worst moments, I do not need a crowd. The moment I set foot outside my house, I will get 'wacked'! (get the full complements of the panic attack)

It was fun actually... one foot out and my system goes haywire, put the foot back in and it begins to stabilise... one foot out- wacked!... put the foot back in- 'safe'... Try this and you will realise how personal conception of space affects your state of mind and body.

Anyway, while my MC says "stay at home", I had to break the rules. I attempt to leave the house and face 'fear'. Before I proceed, time for the screen shot ala-Rambo- I take my dose of Xanax, put on layers of clothings (the thicker the 'safer' I felt- like body armour), psyche myself and there I go...one foot out, then the next and off to the battlefield.

What I did to overcome my fear of crowds is this...

First, I identified areas which will have different levels of crowdedness- not only in terms of numbers but movement as well. In my 'experiments' then, I realised that I am more affected by a moving oncoming crowd than a static one.

Next, I begin the battle. I begin with places with less crowd and not so much movement. I timed how long I can last and progress from there. When I am comfortable with the first level, I moved on to the next and so on. I do this until I can be 'stable' in a crowd, static or mobile.

WARNING!: It's not safe to attempt these 'battles' alone. At least, inform someone or have someone on standby. Have your handphone ready! Have your Xanax and water ready!

I did it most times without my wife's knowledge and it was horrific (for her as well!) when I get a full-fledged panic attack outside, in some mall or crowded place. I don't think you want to be caught is such a state, unless you want attention from others who might think you are either 'drunk' or suffering a heart-attack. Either way, I tend to get stares rather than a helping hand. So, don't do it alone!

Over time, I managed not so much to overcome the fear, but how to manage fear.

Even today, I still get the chills and begin to yawn when I face an oncoming crowd. It's not that I'm sleepy but gasping for air! So my iPod shuffle with comforting songs+Quranic recitations downloaded become my virtual bubble in buffering against fear.

Everyone needs a personal space. Its part of human territoriality. Its dignity, sovereignty and personality. However, it's up to us how we define it- how big or small-, and whether we want to share it. And if sharing is 'safe' to us. The more you share your 'safe' space the more space you have to move in without fear.

Movies Do Talk

2006-11-21T03:58:00.000+08:00

Other than songs, watching movies provide some benefit. It forms part of my recovery process.

While movie therapy seems to be an emerging trend, (for me) its not the movie per se, but watching it in a cinema.

A cinema provides a 'safe' environment for me to re-habilitate my system to exist comfortably in a crowd of strangers. I don't have to look at people; I know that noone is looking at me; and even if they are looking at me (usually the delusion that I get), they can't really see me. So, in this 'environment', I'm 'safe'.

Some movies were meant for pure entertainment. Just to get myself out of the 'safe' zones and into a crowded place (read- 'unsafe' zone). These are usually action movies without any philosophical plot, that seem to attract the crowd. However, do not dismiss these movies as they may have some dialogue that talks to you.

Yes, movies talk to me. Just like songs, I seem to add meaning to dialogues in movies as some of them 'talk' to me. Hence, it's much better to watch movies that have enough dialogue to nag you into going beyond the boundaries and enter 'unsafe' zones. The best part about cinemas is that they are located at or near shopping malls- the arena to test "how long I can last in the open without hyperventilating and feeling light in the head; lose my senses in my hands, feet, head; and having my guts contract painfully?" (it comes in that sequence...)

You Give Me Wings, Raise Me Up...

2006-11-20T15:09:00.000+08:00

You give me wings when I'm falling
You lift me up when I'm down
Taking me high
Touching the sky
Yeah, You make me fly
-"You Give Me Wings"

You raise me up
So I can stand on mountains
You raise me up
To walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
- "You Raised Me Up"

Most times I would listen to songs and give my meaning to the words.

In my tutorial classes I would teach undergrads how to unpack songs and identify them in terms of the lyrics, composition, rhytmn, instruments and themes. So, I have unpack songs and add my meaning to them so that I can be self-motivated. This one is sung by Michael Bolton:

I'm gonna break these chains around me
I'm gonna learn to fly again
Maybe hard, maybe hard
But I'll do it
When I'm back on my feet again

Soon these tears will all be drying
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Might take time, might take time
But I'll see it
When I'm back on my feet again

Chorus:
When I'm back on my feet again
I will prowl down this street again
And they'll all look at me again
And they'll see that I'm strong

I'm gonna hear the children laughing
Gonna hear the voices sing
Won't be long, won't be long
Til I hear them
When I'm back on my feet again

I'm gonna feel the sweet light of heaven
That's shining down its light on me
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will feel it
When I'm back on my feet again

Chorus

And I'm not gonna crawl again
I will learn to stand tall again
I'm not gonna fall again
Cos I learnt to be strong

Soon these tears will all be drying
Soon these eyes will see the sun
Won't be long, won't be long
When I'm back on my feet again
When I'm back on my feet again

I'll be back on my feet again!

- "When I'm Back On My Feet Again"

However, the most emotive song for me will be Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's Maki Madni (The Last Prophet).

In subsequent blogs, I will share other songs that have helped me recover. Sing about song therapy...

What's in a Name? Plenty!

2006-11-19T22:27:00.000+08:00

Today I attended an extended family gathering.

In my memory this gathering is supposedly the second. There were 160 members present today, compared to about 230 in 2002.

I was not there in 2002. I was just discharged from hospital or perhaps still warded. I can't remember. Either way it was a Sunday, and I was in a 'cocoon'.

'cocoon'- the stage where I cover myself from head to toe in a blanket to keep the world away from me.

I have names for most things about my experience. Naming things help me make sense of my experiences.

So there's 'cracking up', 'the chills', 'cocoon', 'warming up', 'cold start', 'convergence'. The list will grow with every new experience, and thankfully I do not need to give a name to a new experience. It's also a code I use to indicate to those who are familiar with me that I need to get away from whatever situation.

'cracking up'- when I begin to sense that I am not able to control my anxiety or that I am losing control of my senses.

'the chills'- the tingling I feel, usually in my hands, which tells me that my system is not comfortable with the environment and that I may need to evacuate or risk 'cracking up'.

'warming up' (related to 'cold start')- it's usually the psychologically warm up that I need to do to prepare me for the day. This usually happens during the time I am 'cracking up'. Usually, when I succeed in maintaining a normal routine (at the cost of being late for a few days) I'll overcome a possible relapse.

'cold start'- waking up to a high state of anxiety. Not managed properly, I could go into 'cocoon' stage.

'convergence'- when three or more 'factors' that are likely to contribute to a high anxiety state converges. It helps to take notes and understand yourself so that you know your triggers.

Idenifying and isolating triggers are one way in which I move from being so fearful of leaving my bed to giving a speech to about 200 strangers.

Washing Your Hands

2006-11-18T08:55:00.000+08:00

Keeping busy and occupied keeps panic away...

I have been occupying myself with completing my thesis.

I have yet to swim and my body has indicated its need.

Another thing I've gained from the experience with A/PD (figure it out yourself) is "conversation" with my system (not body), and its not between my mind and system either!

The brain and body has become my buddy.

I 'talk' to it so that I know what it needs, what it doesn't want and what it's uncomfortable with.

If you are not comfortable with 'talking' to your body, try 'feeling' or 'sensing' or 'listening'.

Like I've said, senses get heightened and take advantage of it.

Wash your hands and feel the water engulf your hands. Feel the texture of your palms and skin as you wash them. Enjoy the slippery soap and feel each bubbles pop. For seconds, you can sense the world in your hands, know that you are alive and be grateful for it!

The experience will be much better if you follow the procedures recommended by hospitals. The procedure is usually pasted near wash basins (or sinks). Staying at a hospital for some time does make it a routine...Try it and make sense of it... You'll enjoy washing hands thereafter and you'll be surprised what can be learnt from a toilet!

Where Did Panic Go?

2006-11-08T13:42:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be panicking now, but I'm not...

So, something must be terribly wrong with me...

I'm supposed to be panicking as my thesis is due next week. I've about 10,000 words to go and several books to re-read. The references and citations are not fully included; and I'm writing in this blog.

At a time when I'm supposed to panic, I'm calm. And when I'm supposed to be calm, I'm panicking! Perhaps that explains why its a disorder...

Being Poetic While in Panic

2006-11-08T07:31:00.000+08:00

While the experience of a panic attack or the onset itself can be frightening and painful at times (when it becomes psychomatic with muscle contractions), there's a poetic side to it.

I'm not being philosophical, but literal.

I realised that the 'energy' generated from a state of high anxiety can be channeled to creative work. I realised that by 'accident' as I attempted to write and paint during such a state to 'distract' my system from a non-existent 'threat'.

However, when the 'anxiety' is consumed through the creative process, my 'works' tend to be unfinished... this was the most recent...

I SIT AND WAIT (16 October 2006)

I sit and wait
I feel the wind linger
I see a glow in the distance
I hear a rumble at my feet
I savour a whisk of fresh serenade

Oh what a whisper I envision
A scent of imagination
A shimmering ordination

From the horizon the glow beckons
The siren calls to my addiction
What of my affliction
Or is it a proposition

I sit and wait
I feel the wind flutter
I see a glow no more
I hear a grumble at my feet
I regurgitate a stale palisade

Oh what a scream I see
A pungent trepidation
A blinding supplication

From the horizon the glow sickens
The siren blows to my attention
What of my predilection
Or is it a delusion

I sit and wait
I feel the wind no more
I see a glow no more
I hear a trickle at my feet
I swill a drop of marmalade

Oh what deafening sight
A

Special Needs

2006-11-07T10:58:00.000+08:00

Recently, there was a media hype about the special needs of the diabled.

Somehow, "disability" has been closely related to "special needs".

I'm just wondering... don't every individual have their own special needs? We are afterall unique and to say that only the 'disabled' has 'special needs' seem to put them apart from everyone else again!

While the 'disabled' may want to integrate as much as they can into 'mainstream' society, they do have 'special needs' like facilities which allow them access and arrangements which can allow them to interact with others as much as everyone else.

This brings me to a point. Is someone like me 'disabled'? Some members of society do regard people with my conditions as not full functional, as much as typical 'disabled' would be.

Why are the 'disabled' given provisions for their 'special needs', when they should be 'enabled' instead?

Anyway, we have a long way to go in providing for people with 'disability'.

I recall that I wrote about the lack of access for those on wheelchairs in my GCE A Level General Paper examination in 1990. Then, there was an article in the Straits Times which inspired me about the topic. I scored a distinction for that GP paper!

More than a decade later, our island has not fully integrated facilities which allow greater access to the 'mobility-challenged'.

That's progress for this Island!

A Apart Makes Difference

2006-10-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

AWARD... A_WARD...

One exemplifies an achievement, the other implies an ailment.

I received an award last Friday night for my "outstanding accomplishments". If only I could get a job with that.

While it is yet to be proven that my chances becomes slimmer when I'm honest about my medical history, I have had several coincidences, all too familiar with discrimination.

I may have won an award last night, but having spent time in a ward for my condition may have make all that "outstanding accomplishments" seem like an anomaly...

Stiff Neck III

2006-10-25T22:18:00.000+08:00

Life is just like a "box of chocolate, you never know what you're gonna get."

Chocolates are unpredictable. Sometimes it needs refrigeration, sometimes it does not.
Some melts in your mouth, others melts in your hands, and there are those that just melts.

Some like their chocolates bitter, others milky and sweet. Some have fruits dipped in them, while others dip in them.

Just like chocolates, our daily experiences can be unpredictable and for me uncertainty is the way of life. I will never know what I'm gonna get. Today is just another day...

So, I went to see a doctor at a clinic. I decided against consulting my usual GP, just to know the nature of my stiff neck...

The session went as usual something like this (may deviate from original conversation, but main idea is there + some theatrics for effect)...

What's wrong? Stiff neck... Have you had this condition
before? Yes... But, this time there are muscle cramps, contractions and it
hurts... Did you injure your neck? No, I had stiff neck before, but
this time its different... the cramps are like those I experienced in my thigh,
and back muscles... ... Mmmm...

{I was anxious, so I flipped and let the cat out of the bag!}

I have a history of panic disorder... Mmmm... Are you feeling anxious
now? Maybe that's the cause, so tense muscles. I'll prescribe you
some relaxant... I have Xanax, but do you think it is ok to take
them. They were prescribed in 2003... They should be ok. Check the expiry
date. In that case, I'll give you a painkiller and see you again next week... Could it be psychosomatic? Like what my GP says about my leg?... Mmmm...

I took the prescription and swallowed two tablets as prescribed at 14:48. At 15:15, no effects felt yet. Now: no effects. Oops... I forgot to mention that I've taken most kinds of painkillers (including Vioxx) and it doesn't work! {The painkillers I took were for my feet and ankle problem...that's another story...}

I get to feel RAW pain! It makes me feel ALIVE!

Surprisingly, the jamu worked fine. I don't have spasms, cramps or contractions today, but pain prevail...

Doctor consultation + medicine: $15
Jamu: Rp 5,000 ($1)
PAIN: Priceless...

Stiff Neck II

2006-10-25T07:37:00.000+08:00

Everything went well yesterday...

Congregation prayers at mosque celebrating Eid and month of fasting ...
PASS
Having breakfast with in-laws and family ... PASS
Lasting beyond 4 hours in festive mood... Conditional PASS
A day without pain... FAIL
A day without any muscle cramps, contraction, spasm... FAIL
A day without anxiety/panic attacks... Conditional FAIL

If there is a report card for me everyday, yesterday's will look like that.

It's tough managing my condition, but life has to go on.

I'm now concerned that my stiff neck is psychosomatic. It seems so, as the panic attacks seem to manifest itself in its standard form once I am aware that the stiff neck is anxiety/panic related.

I did my own experiment... I went to have a massage for the stiff neck. If its muscles that is painful, the massage should help... it didn't. Then I went for a jamu concoction- "pegal linu"- which has the effect of relaxation, the jamu helps. I would have reached for my Xanax, the medication prescribed to me for anytime I feel that my anxiety or panic attacks are beyond my control, but I can't afford to see a psychiatrist for now...

The last time I met one was in 2004. That was a year after I left my last profession and went on to pursue my Masters by Research. I've been on medication until my prescription ran out. I keep some stock but I have to consider the validity dates... Hence, I resort to jamu- something I've been familiar with since young.

Familiarity provides a sense of calm, certainty and therefore less anxiety.

Stiff Neck...

2006-10-24T01:12:00.000+08:00

I'm having a stiff neck now. It's been like this since last Saturday.

Usually, I'll be very busy preparing for the coming festivity. Cleaning the house, decorating, putting up clean curtains, sprucing up the rooms, etc...

But not this time round. My neck is not only stiff, but the muscles at the back of my neck will contract and spasm whenever I have a sudden movement. it's as though my head will be popping out soon!

The contraction of muscles seem to be very and scarily familiar. It's the same kind of painful contractions that I've felt with my lower back and thigh muscles and the gut area some time back.

These contractions, I learnt, are psychosomatic... it is a physical manifestation of my panic attacks. I seem to have been able to deal with panic attacks, but when it comes to psychosomatic forms, it's hard to deal with. On top of anxiety and panic, there's PAIN!!!...

psy·cho·so·mat·ic
Pronunciation:
"sI-kO-sO-'mat-ik"
Function: adjective
1 : of, relating to, concerned with, or involving both mind and body
2 a : of, relating to, involving, or concerned with bodily symptoms caused by mental or emotional disturbance
2b : exhibiting psychosomatic symptoms —psy·cho·so·mat·i·cal·ly
/-i-k(&-)lE/ adverb

What it means is that it's all in the head! I wonder how it can be just in the head, when I'm feeling so much pain and have difficulty moving my head around!!

I wonder how I will be able to attend congregational prayers in the coming morning...
I'm feeling slight discomfort thinking about meeting too many people! At some extreme, its either social phobia or agoraphobia. I've had both...

My first step...

2006-10-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

This is not my usual space for expressing my thoughts...

Someone felt that sharing my daily challenges will inspire others to take that step forward.

Another glorious month has just passed and I celebrate the success of a month of selflessness. What better way to do so than being selfless and putting my thoughts in this blog for all to read...

Everyone who restrained themselves for the past month look forward to celenbrating Eid.

For me its a constant struggle to manage the impending anxiety that I have to face.
I used to look forward to festivities. I'm a social animal. I like to socialise and enjoy entertaining friends and relatives. Even my C-VAT profile shows that I have a high value for socialibility.

But all that changed several years ago... Since then, it has been a challenge.
What you see is not what you get. On the outside, I may seem calm, but I'm shattering inside. Its like the duck floating on a serene pond. You don't see how hard its kicking underneath.

I recall the Eid celebrations I had several years back... the year I spent some of my time in isolation... in a hospital ward (more about that later.)

I was not comfortable meeting people, not even my siblings and relatives. Without much notice, most of them decided to visit me the first night. It was terrifying!!
I put on a show... and stayed calm as long as I could. The moment the last of them left.. I shattered, I broke down and had to cocoon myself. It was one of numerous terrifying moments for me.

What happened? How did I end up that way? And what are the challenges that I face daily?

Keep in touch with my blog, and I'll share them with you...